english ranter

FLORIDA QUR'AN BURNING LATEST

2010-09-08T01:23:00.001+01:00

Allah gets last laugh as gasoline rather than the intended holy water is used to put out burning book

POLITICAL GENDER BOMBSHELL: LEAD SINGER OF BRONSKI BEAT SAYS HE'S MARRIED, STRAIGHT, RIGHT WING AND GRIEVING

2010-09-08T01:06:00.001+01:00

Not sure if I've got that exactly right.

I SMELL BULLSHIT

2010-09-08T00:56:00.000+01:00

A very few people you don't want to know burn a book. A lot of people you don't know at all get offended. To be honest, those most offended you don't want to know either. Just watch how this pointless play within a play is spewed out over newscasts, newspapers, TV and radio in the next few days. All about people you don't want to know. But you might have to fight for.

2011: JOEY BARTON REGRETS MAKING PROMISE HE'D KEEP HIS MOUSTACHE UNTIL NEWCASTLE'S NEXT WIN

2010-08-18T00:01:00.000+01:00

EXCLUSIVE: "GROUND ZERO MOSQUE" ARCHITECTS REVEAL FIRST SKETCHES

2010-08-14T12:22:00.000+01:00

Hmm, I can see why that might upset a few people.

CHERNOBYL - THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

2010-08-13T03:04:00.002+01:00

I suspect that this girl hasn't forgotten the word Chernobyl, so it was interesting to hear today that the nuclear leak from the Russian power station meltdown 24 years ago was back in the news. She was one of numerous deformed children born after the disaster, cared for at the Rechitsa orphanage in Belarus, the area worst hit by the radiation leak all those years ago.

But when it comes to nuclear leaks, the phrase "all those years ago" in a human context is so badly out of place, as the fires in Russia today reached areas still riddled with radiation - and throwing plumes of radioactive ash back into the air, spreading the poison hundreds of miles across Europe once again.

Just as I reported on this blog four years ago, cancers from the leak have killed 20,000 people in the UK alone. But alas, the war on terror is still in place, but the war on nuclear power disappears in the usual bluster of political careers and a race to get rich before we die.

Energy Secretary Chris Huhne, one of those power-hungry Liberals who would rather put his head between his legs and sniff his own arse crack than look at himself in the mirror, has in recent weeks told the press there are communities in this country hungry for a new nuclear power stations, and is about to embark on the biggest nuclear programme the UK has ever seen.

UP YOURS! CONFUSED 64-YEAR-OLD SAYS BECKHAM IS TOO OLD FOR ENGLAND

2010-08-13T01:54:00.003+01:00

If I'm not mistaken, retirement is a decision for the individual at 34, rather than the manager - especially for a job you don't get paid for.

Obviously being 30 years older than Beckham gives Capello the excuse of being so confused that he was allowed to pick a fucking useless squad for the World Cup. In two years time his retirement will be compulsory in the UK, but only an organisation as inept as the FA could know this and extend his contract by five years.

Not only did Capello decide it was his right to say that Beckham had retired from English football without consulting England's most-capped player, he also thought it was a good idea to tell 6 million TV viewers first.

Afterwards, his alzheimers obviously prevented him from picking up the phone and dialling Beckham's number to even explain his words, so he got Baldini to do it instead.

What the fuck are we messing about with this cunt for? I don't care if he's any good, he's a wanker.

I don't care about DB, he's had enough luck to see him through, but this man is clearly a shitball with all the people skills of Stalin with a headache. Mussolini with the shits. Hitler with herpes.

Worse than that, he's making fat Sam Allardyce seem like a cuddly uncle.

OFFICIAL: BLOOD DIAMOND PARTIES ARE RUBBISH

2010-08-11T00:30:00.002+01:00

Five ugly birds who never quite made it as models but are obviously packed with inner beauty, one bottle of booze, no one's got a fucking lighter even though they all smoke, the hostess is using Google to find out what happened 13 years ago because she was too pissed to remember, and I bet they are listening to Simply Red. That bloke in the shorts is telling the girls why a teepee is the must-have for their next Glamping trip. I've obviously got to be careful what I say because a court case is in process. Cunts.

PAY £40 TO BOO ENGLAND'S FOOTBALL TEAM AT WEMBLEY

2010-08-11T00:17:00.000+01:00

How ridiculous. Only a true England supporter would do that.

EXPECT TO SEE A LOT MORE OF THIS TOSSER BEFORE THE CUTS BITE

2010-08-08T22:31:00.004+01:00

The Junior Minister responsible for forwarding the idea of taking free nursery school milk away from UK under-5s has found himself at the centre of a classic government public relations sting, something that long-term political watchers will be familiar with.

While the Labour government infamously made a name for themselves by “burying” bad news behind major headlines, their “more, more, more” approach to public spending brought very little need for this kind of stunt, apart from when dealing with the Post Office unions (“Mandleson is going to privatise you! Agree to this shit pay rise and we’ll stop him!”).

There is of course the slim possibility that a Conservative minister, no matter how junior, in charge of education, had thought that the phrase “Thatcher, Thatcher, the milk snatcher” had lasted so long because this merited one of The Not Quite Walking Dead’s greatest achievements.

After all, their boss already claimed Jamie Oliver’s healthy school meals idea was a waste of time, something that anyone who has sent a child to state school in the last 15 years knows is an absolute and utter lie.

Meanwhile, He’s Just Like You Dave’s whole premise of the Big Society (aka B.S.), is that while he shares Thatcher’s crusade to destroy Big Government, the only reason that the country descended into a crime-ridden, ruthless dirty little shithole with pavements crowded with the homeless under her was that it didn’t have a thoroughly good bloke in charge telling everyone to calm down and be nice.

Thatcher at least knew that pretending to care about the people she destroyed would look like hypocrisy, and instead sent in the old bill to kick the shit out of them. HJLY Dave is banking on “the debt” to be a plausible argument for unravelling state provision while his seat-sniffing Liberal bed…, er, …wetters suck their thumbs and wait for the Alternative Vote.

Like a sleeping infant who’s drunk too much milk from the tit of mother Liberty, the Liberals believe that a better democracy will one day wipe these off-white sticky sick stains from the front of their parliamentary babygrows – just like that cuddly nanny they still remember fondly.

Which brings us neatly back to the question of scrapping milk for the under-5s. This was no more a plausible policy (if only in the name of political suicide) than this coalition agreeing to ban Page 3 girls.

Since the BBC journalist responsible for breaking this story received his copy from the Shadow Education Secretary, it is unlikely that it was ever intended that this proposal become part of Government policy.

Instead, like a mythical Superman saving us from a mythical asteroid that was never going to hit, up steps David Cameron to tell us that apparently this kind of thing just isn’t the sort of nasty shit that this Government has planned.

The message this stunt was quite obviously spelling out in capital letters was this:
WE ARE GOING TO DO LOADS OF CUNTY THINGS BUT WE ARE NOT THATCHER.

Of course, many of the cunty things they have planned are beyond Thatcher’s most nightmarish fantasy. But by this clever little press play, they have given the illusion that what is to come is bad, but not that bad.

Expect more unexpected scare stories near you – hospitals narrowly saved after U-turns, or the 66 broken schools who are now getting their buildings replaced after they were first told they wouldn’t.

Who knows, even the UK Film Council might get a reprisal. But let’s hope not.

UPDATE: TOP TEN BRITISH FUNERAL SONG CHART - NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THREE YEARS

2010-06-20T00:14:00.001+01:00

OK, so even though I once worked for ITV, I should admit that this poll is taken from Scottish funerals in 2009 - but I think that it counts as an update to this post in 2006. I've put the chart position changes on this one:

1 My Way - Frank Sinatra/Shirley Bassey <1> Stays at number one. (though Shirley Bassey wasn't mentioned last time, but it's still the tops)
2 Wind Beneath My Wings - <2> Stays at number two. Bette Midler/Celine Dion (again, Celine Dion is starting to eat Bette Midler's wake snacks. But we'll take it)
3 Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman/Andrea Bocelli ^6^ Up 6. A big climber for the world's most talented pug)
4 Angels - Robbie Williams v1v - Down one. I appreciate now I should have done this countdown from 10. Robbie's perfect death mask slips, just a little.
5 Over The Rainbow - Eva Cassidy ^3^ Up three. Eva Cassidy finally gets way up high in the charts.
6 You Raise Me Up - Westlife/Boyzone/Josh Grobin NEW ENTRY - Jesus Christ.
7 My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion v3v Down three. Looks like people have finally understood the irony of this funeral gaff.
8 I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston v2v Down two. Too many drug deaths for a junkie choral send off means Whitney's heading for a top ten exit.
9 You'll Never Walk Alone - Gerry and the Pacemakers v7v Liverpool isn't getting any bigger.
10 Unforgettable - Nat King Cole NEW ENTRY - A surprise new entry, but again proving that you're never to old to see yourself back in the top ten. Although you may be dead, and your fans certainly are.

shopaholic crushed under her own purchases

2009-01-12T13:24:00.002+01:00

Credit crunch takes latest victim?

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Shopaholic-Found-Dead-By-Police-Under-Mountain-Of-Purchases-At-Her-UK-Home/Article/200901215199886?f=rss

9/11 internet conspiracy theorists find new picture that proves "it never really happened".

2008-07-03T01:28:00.000+01:00

Maybe they should get out more. Looks real enough to me though, I'll give them that.

this is a bit late

2008-07-03T01:01:00.000+01:00

The latest victims of the war against terror

2007-04-22T12:52:00.000+01:00

In a week in which a military report told of US marines not giving a toss about the lives of Iraqi civillians in a raid on the town of Haditha, more news of the Bush government's disdain for the poor comes from somewhere a little closer to home.

As reported in this blog last year, America has a higher infant death mortality rate than Cuba. But while this number has been steadily dropping since figures began, for the first time, in some states, the number is on the rise.

The New York Times today reports that America's babies in the Southern states are now 50% more likely to die in their first year of life than they were three years ago. While predominantly white American states continue to see the figures get better, Alabama, North and South Carolina, Tennessee and Louisiana have all seen the numbers stagnate - and now get worse.

Nowhere is this shown more starkly than in Mississippi, where a baby is almost twice as likely to die in its first year than the national average for the rest of the country.

Perhaps more relevant than the geographical factor is the racial one. As the people of New Orleans are all too aware, Bush doesn't particularly give a shit. What happens in the black south, stays in the black south.

Across America, black voters are harder to find than a Medicaid-accepting hospital.

The cost of the war on Iraq is in part being funded by making it harder for America's poor to get access to healthcare. While America's child mortality rate is only 10th of the world's industrialised nations, if you are a black American baby then your rates of survival are comparable with newborns in Russia, Sri Lanka, Venezuala, and Libya.

In February this year, George W. Bush made this statement in celebration of African American History Month: "All Americans can be proud of the progress we have made, yet the work for a more perfect union is not done. As we celebrate National African American History Month, we reaffirm our commitment to build a society where every individual has the opportunity to achieve the promise of this great land."

Obviously he was only talking about the individuals that live past their first birthday.

Jim Fixes It On Louis Theroux - and I admit this blog is now shit

2007-04-02T00:56:00.000+01:00

No wonder the BBC gave him a show working with children. See April 16, 2006, in the archives - column on the right, down a bit, under "earlier on e.r" (April 2006 was probably the best month of this blog, so if you're new here, it's the way things used to be when I cared), if you're wondering what I think of the cunt. Whoops, I guess that's a clue...

NEW DAYTIME TV SHOW ANNOUNCED: THROUGH THE C-HOLE

2007-03-28T03:59:00.000+01:00

Q: Who would live in a house like this?

A: Who cares. They're bound to be a cunt. etc.

TONY BLAIR IN HILARIOUS COMIC RELIEF SKETCH

2007-03-28T03:46:00.000+01:00

I cant be arsed to post the video and it's two weeks old anyway. Just type in Tony Blair Comic Relief into you tube if you didn't see it.
Bovvered Tony? Bovvered? Bovvered about the war? Bovvered about the 500,000+ dead Iraqi civilians? Bovvered about the 2 million people who took the streets (unlike the one million that signed an online petition about road charges)? Bovvered about your move from negative liberty to positive liberty (ie the one that determines whether you decide to murder - bit like Stalin)? Bovvered about the targets you set hospitals that meant managers were able to call corridors wards, or take the wheels off trolleys and call them beds? Bovvered about the highest prison population Britain has ever seen (tackling the causes of crime?)? Bovvered about abandoning beliefs in politics and deciding it's up to God? Bovvered about setting targets for schools with classes containing kids speaking 16 different native languages (it's not the mix that's the problem - it's the default term of failure if mixing doesn't reach a target)? Bovvered about renewing Trident and breaking the nuclear proliferation laws you once signed up to? Bovvered about bombing one nation for being Muslim fundamentalists while licking Saudi Arabia's archaic monarchistic arse?
Bovvered about selling us out Tony?
Bovvered?
Do you look Bovvered?
No mate, you do not.

LANDED GENTRY IN POVERTY SCANDAL

2007-03-28T03:24:00.000+01:00

There's nothing like some cunt sitting at home eating bourgouis organic food in a central heated house with egyptian cotton sheets and fine wine from across the globe imported into their cupboard moaning about how fucking poor they are.

Well actually there is. There's the cunt that owns the house that the some cunt sits in, charging rent each month, creating not only a profit of 30% on their investment on the mortgage payments alone, not withstanding the increase in property prices running in London at approx 12% per year for the past 12 years, which means that every £100 rent they receive makes them roughly £142. So with a one-bedroom flat in town costing about £1000 a month, and the average property worth £250,000, that's £32k, tax free, per year.

So while that poor owning bastard happily see the profit on their investment double every six years, he also uses the profit in rent to fund another housing investment that they sit in, which of course has to be bigger than the rented place (after all who's the fucking boss here?) but also means that while none of the capital is realised or liquid - IT IS FUCKING CAPITAL.

So the next time the wanker with the over extended mortgage (paid for by your rent) and the two properties, and the car, and the family, and the shares in Nescafe and Esso, tells you how tough it is to be them. CHECK IF THEY HAVE BUILDING INSURANCE, AND IF THEY DON'T BURN THEIR FUCKING HOUSE DOWN. Then at least when they make you homeless, it will have been for a reason.

WHAT GOES "PECK PECK BANG?"

2007-02-05T15:14:00.000+01:00

A turkey in a minefield.
Still, it could be worse.
It could be in a Bernhard Matthews shed in Norfolk being gassed to death because it's got bird flu.

SADDAM IS HANGED BY AMERICAN DWARVES: EXCLUSIVE EXECUTION PIC

2006-12-30T01:12:00.000+01:00

MARX GOT IT WRONG

2006-11-30T01:10:00.000+01:00

Democracy is the opium of the people.
Religion is the crack of the stupid.

E.R. DEMANDS ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS OVER DEATH OF RUSSIAN SPY

2006-11-27T01:54:00.000+01:00

1. What the fuck is Polonium-210?
2. How do I get some?

BRAND SPECIAL: AL QUAEDA MISS A CHANCE TO IMPROVE THEIRS

2006-11-18T01:07:00.000+01:00

Where are those suicide bombers when you need one?
Imagine if the two of them had sex.
It'd be like some 1930s Polish horror movie about freaks set in a circus.

BRAND SPECIAL: KFC IMAGE IS FIRST BRAND VISIBLE FROM SPACE

2006-11-16T17:07:00.000+01:00

Obviously looking for a new alien market after earthlings discovered that KFC is inhumane, disgusting, unhealthy crap in a box.

BRAND SPECIAL: COKE ZERO A HUGE SUCCESS

2006-11-16T17:03:00.000+01:00

Named after the fucking losers that drink it.

BRAND SPECIAL: CADBURYS PULL OUT OF CORONATION STREET SPONSORSHIP

2006-11-16T16:58:00.000+01:00

Cadburys is now aiming for a more upmarket audience after poisoning hundreds of working class people by knowingly selling them chocolate containing faeces. (See post from July 4 for details).

oh cock

2006-11-07T22:34:00.000+01:00

When I've written about the bird flu virus H1N5 before on this blog, I've been confronted with a certain amount of cynicism that the virus holds any danger at all.
After all, it's killed only about 140 people in the past year or two.
So let's look at the virus that's the grandaddy of H1N5 - the H1N1.
The H1N1 first appeared during World War One, in 1916.
But despite a few deaths here and there, no one considered there was anything to worry about.
In 1917 only 114 people died of H1N1. In 1918 the virus killed, er, hang on let me check this. No, it's right.
The virus killed 50 million people.
In six months.
Most scientists agree that when (not if) H1N5 mutates, world travel (as was the case of the soldiers returning home in 1918) will ensure a greater spread of the diseases, faster.
The number of deaths worldwide will double, every three days.
For three months.
If you try doubling the number 1 thirty times on your fingers (for the 90-day duration of a pandemic), you end up, on your little finger of your right hand, by count thirty, something very roughly in the region of 1 billion people.
Funny how quickly those little numbers become big.
No one can prepare for the mutation, because, duh, it's a mutation.
What is interesting, as well, is that in 1918, the H1N1 didn't attack kids, the fragile, or the elderly.
Nine out of ten victims were aged 25 to 35.
The stronger your immune system is, the more it is likely to overreact to the attack of the virus. And it's the over-reaction that kills you. Eventually your lungs fill with blood and you cop it.
H1N5 acts in the same way.
And those of you grabbing a bottle of Tamiflu (the anti virul drug being stockpiled) may be disappointed to hear that unfortunately, unless the entire world takes Tamiflu for the rest of their lives, the virus will kill as many people as if we never took it at all.
And there isn't enough to take it forever, so, er, there's no point taking it at all.
Anyone feel like chicken tonight?

WORLD OUTRAGE AS SHORT, STUPID AND DANGEROUS DESPOT GETS HANDS ON WMDs

2006-10-11T02:22:00.000+01:00

Hang on a minute...

AMERICA OUTRAGE AT NUCLEAR WEAPON DEVELOPED TO STOP JAPANESE IMPERIALISM

2006-10-11T02:17:00.000+01:00

Hang on a minute...

CHRIS DE BURGH: "I HAVE HEALING HANDS LIKE CHRIST"

2006-10-09T22:20:00.000+01:00

Let's hope someone nails the fucker to a cross then.

NEW GOVERNMENT INITIATIVE TO TACKLE UNWANTED PREGNANCIES

2006-10-01T17:33:00.000+01:00

Seems straightforward enough.
Thanks to wanksy for the pic.

SCIENTISTS INVENT PILL TO CURE PREMATURE EJACULATION

2006-09-08T01:28:00.000+01:00

Sufferers say it hasn't come a moment too soon. For once.

WELCOME

2006-08-29T01:40:00.000+01:00

TO

2006-08-29T01:39:00.000+01:00

GUANTANAMO

2006-08-29T01:38:00.000+01:00

BAY

2006-08-29T01:36:00.000+01:00

It's 60 days since the United Nations released a damning report containing 94 complaints against the rights and conditions for over 400 inmates at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.
It made seven recommedations to the United States, the first of which was that it should be closed immediately. Most inmates have been held without charge for three and a half years, some have been force fed, some tortured, and all have had either their human rights withdrawn, or have been kept under conditions which break the Geneva Convention.
Remixing of flea market pictures by Banksy.
See www.banksy.co.uk

POLICE USE PARTY AS EXCUSE TO EARN TRIPLE TIME AT BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND WATCHING PEOPLE DANCE

2006-08-28T01:29:00.000+01:00

Police and army have surrounded more than 500 people that are right now (it's 1am) having an "illegal rave" on army land in Epynt in Wales (pictured). I'm so fucking annoyed. I used to go to these things, now I only read about them on the news. Still, they were mostly rubbish.

POPE TELLS AMERICANS: "TOO MUCH WORK MAKES YOU STUPID"

2006-08-27T20:03:00.000+01:00

Admittedly a bit rich coming from a man that gets carried around in a chair, but nonetheless advice that the yanks continue to ignore. Pope Benedict told tourists in Rome last week that working too hard leads to a "hardening of the heart" and "suffering of the spirit" as well as a "loss of intelligence".
Meanwhile a survey shows that a record 40% of American workers have no plans to take any holiday in the next six months - more than any time since the 1970s. Unlike almost all other industrialised nations, American employers do not have to give paid holidays.
The average American, including public holidays (which they have plenty) takes less than 4 weeks holiday a year, compared with 6.6 in the UK and 7.9 in Italy. Plus more Americans than ever dont even take their holidays when they are given them, with a total of 574 million holiday days (about 4 each) going unclaimed.
Now that is stupid.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

2006-08-27T19:58:00.000+01:00

"Overall the army was good for Jason" - the mother of 19-year-old Jason Chelsea from Manchester, who, prior to his first tour of duty of Iraq, committed suicide by taking an overdose. His suicide note said he did not want to shoot children, after he was told in training he might have to kill children as young as two in battle.

MEL GIBSON ORDERED TO ATTEND AA MEETINGS

2006-08-18T01:38:00.000+01:00

Quite right too. His acting's been anonymous since Gallipoli.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS - IN 15 YEARS YOU'LL PROBABLY BE GOING TO WAR OVER IT

2006-08-17T00:25:00.000+01:00

No, it's not a new chair from Ikea. In 15 years time, when wars over oil will either be old hat (because there wont be any oil left) or pointless anyway (because we'll already be dead), then it may be time to start fighting about something else. Except unlike oil, which, to be honest, the human race did ok without for quite a while, this is something much more important that none of us can live without. This is a water molecule.
It's not just tossers like me that are recognizing the new "value" of water. That Bono-owned bible of capitalism, Forbes, has already recommended to its readers: "Water is one of the world's great business opportunities. It promises to be to the 21st century what oil was to the 20th."
How nice for this essential element to already be on their shopping list. The shanty town population of Bolivia, who cant afford the cost of three months pay for a private company to give them even a single pipe to drink clean water from, already know that what comes out of the sky isn't necessarily free.
A report by CBC Canada (who, incidentally, lucked out on the water stakes, along with water-rich Russia, Brazil and China - three energy rich countries too) shows that private businesses already own the water supply to several hundred million people on every continent in the world.
This map shows how the world will be doing for water in less than 20 years time.

If you live in a red bit, you're fucked, no matter how much money you have. If you live in the orange bit, you'll be OK as long as you can afford it, and if you live in a blue bit, you'll be OK. Except you won't be OK. A shortage of something like water will cause an attempted mass migration by those who don't have it to somewhere that does. Except things like borders and cultural differences usually mean that this won't be possible, and the resolution will be war.
There are some commentators who already believe that the driver behind the Rwandan massacres was a shortage of water, and in the middle east, where 5% of the world's population tries to live on 1% of the world's water, conflicts over clean water add to an already dire relationship between Jews and Arabs. Jews are commonly called Well Poisoners, a name dating back hundreds of years, and as recently as last year stories of Jewish settlers poisoning Arab wells appeared on Al Jazeera news.
Meanwhile, as consumption fuels global warming, evaporation is becoming worse, and aggravating the issue even further.
Eventually the earth's population is going to exceed the available supply. And unlike oil, there just isn't another option. It will be fight for your water - or die anyway.
So relax about oil running out.
Energy wars are old hat.
Water is running out. And unlike oil, there isn't an alternative, no hippy commune to hide inside, no wind farm to blow away your worries. With 8 billion people wanting water, and only enough to go round, even with no borders, prejudice or private companies, for 6 billion, then somehow, somewhere, 2 billion people have just got to go.
(By the way, if you live in the white bit of that map, then you're either in an igloo or up Mount Everest.)

IF YOU DON'T NAIL IT DOWN...

2006-08-14T20:55:00.000+01:00

...some cunt will nick it, that's what my old dad used to say. Trouble is these days, the price of nickel what it is, someone will steal the nails too.
As the price of raw materials continues to rise (what with them running out forever) it's become profitable for thieves to steal manhole covers in East London and sell them off for scrap. Fetching between £5 - £10 a time (US $9 - $18), the missing covers have been causing havoc, not least because of the hole they leave behind. Police have upgraded the crime to "stealing a safety device" which carries a jail sentence, following thefts in Stratford, West Ham, Forest Gate and Canning Town.
Deputy Mayor of Newham Christine Bowen told the BBC: "They are leaving dangerous holes in the ground that put pedestrians, especially the most vulnerable, at risk of falling into them. They could also cause great damage to vehicles." Thanks for that, Christine. Very insightful.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #1

2006-08-14T20:50:00.000+01:00

Apparently with HDTV at home you could see the strings, and it looked a bit like Thunderbirds without all the fuzz.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #3

2006-08-14T20:49:00.001+01:00

Those black holes get everywhere.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #2

2006-08-14T20:49:00.000+01:00

They probably filed it under "S" for "Space" stuff.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #4

2006-08-14T20:47:00.000+01:00

One small step for man, one giant balls up for the archive department.

TOTALLY SHIT KING KONG MADE OF SAND

2006-08-13T00:28:00.000+01:00

This has got to be the worst fucking thing anyone ever did. Looks more like the ginger old fella from planet of the apes than king kong. Still, the UK seaside town of Weston-Super-Mare were very proud of it.

TOTALLY SHIT KING KONG DESTROYED BY VANDALS

2006-08-13T00:25:00.000+01:00

Yeah, magnificent it was.

EUROPE'S ANIMALS ARE FUCKED SAY WORLD WILDLIFE FUND (ESPECIALLY IN POLAND)

2006-08-12T23:25:00.000+01:00

Actually, they didn't use that language precisely. But still, the WWF and indeed the European Union have come down hard on Poland after the country has pissed in the wind at efforts to preserve Europe's endangered species.
But what's even more disturbing than Poland's couldn't-give-a-toss attitude are the WWF figures on Europe's wildlife. When I was a kid, which despite now being 40 wasn't that long ago, it was the tiger, whale and possibly elephant that you had do worry about. Not any more according to the WWF.
They estimate that 50% of all of Europe's mammals face extinction and are now endangered, while the figure is 33% for fish, reptiles, amphibian and plants.
When 15 new countries including Poland joined the EU, a project called Natura 2000 was set up to preserve 18% of the land in them so that economic expansion didn't destroy wildlife.
While less than a fifth of land doesn't sound like a lot, the Polish prime minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski moaned this week: "it is practically impossible to build anything because of Natura 2000". Which sounds unlikely. Poland have set up just 70 of the 142 protected sites that was asked of it, and has failed to protect 85% of the ones it has set up.

ONE IN THREE HEATHROW FLIGHTS CANCELLED DUE TO BOMB PLOT

2006-08-12T21:56:00.000+01:00

At least someone's doing something about global warming.

MEL GIBSON ADMITS HE ACTED LIKE A CUNT

2006-08-11T02:07:00.000+01:00

Ok mate, enough about your career. Now what about this Driving Under the Influence charge and your drunken nazi beliefs?

WHILE I WAS AWAY THIS PICTURE I SENT IN TWO MONTHS AGO APPEARED ON 25PEEPS.COM

2006-08-11T01:24:00.000+01:00

Can't understand why I only lasted three hours.

K DOESNT WOR ON MY EYBOARD

2006-08-11T01:11:00.000+01:00

And they said I'd run out of ideas.

MID LIFE CRISIS ENDS IN MONTH LONG PARTY

2006-08-11T01:09:00.000+01:00

Thank god they're both over. Sorry I've been a while. And now I'm 40.

MAN'S HEAD FALLS OFF INTO HIS HANDS

2006-07-06T00:23:00.000+01:00

I guess it's a short back and sides for him at the hairdressers from now on.
Sambhu Roy was electricuted a few months ago and the area affected on his head recently fell off. He has now become an attraction in Calcutta, where hundreds of people have visited to see "the man with his head in his hands".

TOP SIX THINGS TO MAKE YOUR ARSE ITCH - AND BRIAN MAY

2006-07-05T01:38:00.000+01:00

.
1. Coffee
2. Tea
3. Cola
4. Beer
5. Chocolate (with or without added shit - see below)
6. Tomatoes
Apparently a team of Israeli scientists have found that the best cure to persistent butt itch (for those that don't get cured by giving up the six items above) is sticking a chilli pepper up your arse.
Or at least the stuff in a chilli that makes it hot - capsaicin.
This and other interesting stuff can be found at the wonderful www.improbable.com which is ace. Though I am upset that they have included Queen guitarist Brian May in their Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club for Scientists

Brian has only three suspect astronomy papers to his name and his admirable support of astronomy being taught in schools.
Now I'm all for astronomy, but I don't think that means he counts as a scientist.
He barely fucking counts as a musician.

HAMAS FINALLY RECOGNIZES ISRAEL

2006-07-05T01:34:00.000+01:00

It's that place the other side of the big wall where the tanks, aircraft and bombs come from.

LITTLE KITLERS

2006-07-04T23:24:00.000+01:00

The debate about whether cats are good or evil has been fuelled by the recently-discovered-by-me but probably-been-around-for-ages www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com which is, frankly, brilliant. Even better than www.catsinsinks.com

SHITTING IN OUR CHOCOLATE AND TELLING US IT'S PAINLESS

2006-07-04T19:33:00.000+01:00

The chairman of Cadburys-Schweppes must be pissing himself laughing after being given a knighthood by the Queen two weeks ago - and at the time knowing that he'd sold half a million chocolate bars to British consumers with SHIT in them.
I don't mean, by shit, sugar, e-numbers, syrup and the usual nonsense that goes into chocolate bars, I MEAN SHIT.
POO.
DOO-DOO.
BUM-CRAP.
ARSE-MATTER.
ANUS-DEBRIS.
BOTTY-SNOT.
The recently knighted SIR John Sutherland was hysterically given a knighthood by our insane, inbred of a monarch for his work for corporate governance. Corporate governance is of course making business transparent and accountable to their customers and shareholders.
Meanwhile, one assumes that since he owns the company, he knew that a WASTE PIPE was overflowing into the deliciously named "chocolate crumb" that the company puts into SEVEN of its most popular chocolate bars sold to kids, old people, and the rest of us.
Even more astonishingly, Cadburys knew that the SHIT containing SALMONELLA was dripping into its chocolate BACK IN JANUARY, but didn't tell anyone!
Presumably if it had been in their white chocolate we might have spotted it. But since it was BROWN SHIT going into BROWN SHITTY CHOCOLATE it didn't make any difference, and Cadburys decided to keep quiet. After all, if you don't wash your hands after having a POO you can have SHIT in your mouth when you eat, so who's to know it's CADBURYS SHIT IN YOUR STOMACH MAKING YOU ILL?
It was only after people all over the country started getting salmonella poisoning of the same strain OF SHIT that Cadburys let on it might be THEIR SHIT, in THEIR SHITTY CHOCOLATE BARS, making babies, pregnant women, children, and old people ill.
Finally last week they recalled one million chocolate bars suspected of HAVING SHIT IN THEM from the shelves.
Cadbury has recalled 250g Dairy Milk Turkish, Dairy Milk Caramel and Dairy Milk Mint bars, eight-chunk Dairy Milk bars, 1kg Dairy Milk bars, 10p Freddo bars and 105g Dairy Milk Buttons Easter Eggs.
BIT FUCKING LATE FOR EASTER EGGS, ISN'T IT?
Food agency experts are now checking 30 other Cadburys bars in case they have SHIT in them too.
Half the victims in this scare are UNDER TWO YEARS OLD.
Then today, two more things about the SHIT in Cadburys chocolate has been uncovered. Firstly, that Cadburys' own tests for salmonella are out of date, and couldn't be sensitive enough to tell for sure if their new bars still have SHIT in them.
Secondly, as UK news programme ITN discovered today, their "HELPLINE" is telling LIES to customers worried about eating the bars about the amount of SHIT in a bar that will make you ill.
"You have to eat 60 bars at a time," the lady on the end of the helpline told several different callers who rang up, recorded by the news station.
But, reassuringly, plenty of scientists then came on the telly and said that's not quite right actually, but that you should have NO SHIT in a chocolate bar, and any amount of SHIT was not really very good for you, what with SHIT being something that should be outside the body and NOT IN YOUR FUCKING STOMACH.
It must be proud to run a company that can shit in its food and sell it to kids and not tell anyone. If you fancy boycotting Cadburys, not only because their chocolate may contain SHIT, not only because they have poisoned a bunch of kids, but primarily they have acted like complete and utter cunts, you don't have to live in the UK.
If you don't want to buy goods from a company that shits in its products and then keeps it secret, have a think about making these consumer choices worldwide. Cadburys-Schweppes make drinks and sweets worldwide.
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT THERE IS SHIT IN THESE PRODUCTS. BUT THEN AGAIN, EVEN IF CADBURYS KNEW THERE WAS, THEY'D TAKE A VIEW BEFORE THEY'D TELL YOU. NICE TO KNOW, HUH?
PS, they also make RC Cola in the states. Presumably pronounced "Arsey Cola".

Brands made by Cadburys Schweppes in the United States that are owned by the same company that put shit in chocolate bars and didn't tell anyone...

7-up
A & W root beer
A W Cream Soda
Bubblicious
Trident gum
Dentyne
Halls fruit breezers
Sour Patch sweets
Halls cold pastilles
Stride gum
Swedish Fish
Bubbaloo
Chiclets
Clamato
Canada Dry
RC Cola
Sunkist
Motts

Enjoy!

UN FEARS AS COCAINE USERS IN EUROPE RISE TO 3.5 MILLION

2006-06-26T23:00:00.000+01:00

Hang on, this might not be the right picture. That's David Cameron, the Conservative Party leader, who has clearly stated on record that he hasn't taken cocaine "since I became an MP". Very clear, Dave.

UN FEARS AS COCAINE USERS IN EUROPE RISE TO 3.5 MILLION

2006-06-26T22:54:00.000+01:00

Hang on, that's the wrong picture too. That's Kate Moss "cutting" and about to "snort" a substance which there is no evidence is cocaine. Despite her checking into a substance abuse clinic after it was published, and her relationship with a self-confessed drug addict. No evidence at all.

UN FEARS AS COCAINE USERS IN EUROPE RISE TO 3.5 MILLION

2006-06-26T22:48:00.000+01:00

Hang on, that's the wrong picture. That's protesters in East Timor's capital Dili, painted in white to represent the ghosts of those killed in recent unrest.
They're celebrating the resignation of Prime Minister Mari Alkatiri. Does remind me of a media party or two that I went to. Those were the days...

BIG BENT?

2006-06-23T00:37:00.000+01:00

Is it me or is Big Ben starting to topple over? Judging by the cunts in the building it's attached to, maybe it's suffering from being the leaning-tower-of-piss-take.
I took this picture taking a friend from the USA around London this week.
Which was very nice.
Only one complaint.
Many of Britain's art galleries and museums manage to offer free entry, or entry with a non-compulsory suggested donation.
However, as soon as God got involved we were asked to dig deep. A visit to St Pauls cost us £9 each (that's about $17 each) and we decided against parting with even more (£10 each) to look inside Westminster Abbey.
No wonder church attendances are so low...

June 20th: Conservative Leader David Cameron tells the world to "big-up Asda" because of flexible working and great staff relations

2006-06-23T00:04:00.001+01:00

June 22nd: Asda workers vote for strike action over pay and conditions at the stores (owned by Walmart) by almost 4 to 1.

ENGLAND SOCCER SUPPORTERS ARE BABOONS

2006-06-22T23:53:00.000+01:00

Baboons at Knowsley safari park on Merseyside have built up a huge collection of England flags nicked from visitors' cars flying the flag in support of the team trying to win the World Cup in Germany.

AFTER "BLAIR FORCE ONE" EXPECT AIR FARCE TWO

2006-06-22T02:21:00.000+01:00

News that Tony Blair has ordered a Boeing 737 and executive jet to fly around the world is likely to receive criticism from opposition leader David Cameron.
Blair is unlikely to use the new jets much since they will not enter service until 2008 - and he's off before the next election due around 2009/2010.
However, Cameron, who likes to be portrayed as some kind of executive green warrior, is likely to attack the move which could add to damage to the ozone layer.
Judging by Cameron's bike-riding enviromental effort (where he has a people-carrier driven behind him every day by an aide to carry his shoes and papers) expect him to demand a glider as the premiere's airbourne vehicle-of-choice.
Followed, of course, by six jumbo jets and a squadron of Harrier fighters to carry his ego.

Advertisement: VACANCY

2006-06-22T00:11:00.000+01:00

A rare opportunity to work in unusual surroundings for a top-notch legal expert. In fact, even if you're a bit average, why don't you try and blag it.
The successful candidate for this high profile role will have the following qualities:
* The ability to dodge bullets
* A mistrust of anyone in uniform
* Look good on camera
* A love of dictators
* A short memory
* A death wish
* The ability to cope with clients losing weight
* A desire to never work in the U.S.A.
Previous applicants should apply, as we're running a bit short of candidates.
Applications by email to:
saddamhussein-defenceteam@sunni-lawyers.com

English Ranter makes a few lines in The Observer newspaper (after Kate makes a few lines in a club)

2006-06-19T14:22:00.000+01:00

English Ranter made this weekend's Review section of The Observer newspaper... thank you for letting me know Arty Smokes, as I'd not even looked!

BAD NEWS - HAWKING IS RIGHT

2006-06-16T12:10:00.000+01:00

Stephen Hawking has caused a bit of a stir by telling mankind to inhabit the moon, Mars, and to start finding another place to live - and be quick about it.
The message from one of the world's brainiest men is simple - that one way or another technology, science, development, pollution, disease, overcrowding, religion or nature will destroy the earth.
The latter part of this theory is one supported in part by John Gray, in his insightful book Al Qaeda And What It Means To Be Modern. Gray isn't a scientist like Hawking, he's the Professor of European Thought at the London School of Economics. But don't let that put you off. While the book is already a year or two old, the predictions it makes are as up to date and as stark as ever.
With the population of the world not set to level off until it reaches the 10 billion mark, Gray argues that a scarcity of resources, combined with the clash between liberal evangelists and islamic fundamentalists will result in the huge devastation of societies and possibly the planet itself.
Drawing on conclusions such as that the Rwanda genocide was primarily fuelled by lack of water, that Gulf States have populations that double roughly every 20 years, that poverty, instability and faith create wars, and that no economic system recognizes a solution to finite resources and global warming, Gray argues that the modern world will be one of violence, corruption, and destruction.
The concept of a modern world as a better one is a relatively new one.
Gray proves that Al Qaeda and other violent factions are modern - funded by drugs, aided by the internet, and with access to weapons of mass destruction. The belief that this is a clash of civilisations is wrong. Al Qaeda are using the "modernity" of the West to try and destroy it.
That is not a clash, that is war, and war of the most modern kind.
One thing that Hawking doesn't explain in his statement, however, is how the conflicts of human nature on the earth will be eradicated in space.
For surely the voyagers upon his spacecraft to new worlds would be no more than supersonic versions of the pilgrims (and later, immigrants) that travelled to America and Australia to find a new beginning hundreds of years ago.
A new beginning which many Americans feel is superior to the established cultures of the past.
In Tasmania, Europeans slaughtered the aboriginies they found who had established a relationship with the earth that had maintained their existence, and the environment on which they survived, for thousands of years.
In America, the war with native American Indians again at best has brought European diseases of alcoholism, gambling, greed and war to peoples who had lived in relative harmony with their surroundings (though not necessarily with each other) for thousands of years.
And finally the violent society of America, the drug and gun culture of America, the paranoid foreign policies of American politicians, and the destruction of the planet through ever increasing consumption, IS America's brave new world.
And it will destroy it.
It seems ironic then, that the only country able to economically achieve Hawking's dream of inhabiting other worlds will be Americans.
Given their track record, maybe it's best that we all stay put.
What might be the best thing to hope for is that one of Hawking's apocolyptic predictions comes true - and fast.
Maybe that a meteor wipes us all out before we can set about fucking up another eden, another new world, or another bright new beginning.
Still, let's hope it waits til after the end of the footy. Sod's law is sure to mean that England will be 2-0 up against Brazil with ten minutes to go when the fucking thing hits.

KATE MOSS WILL NOT FACE COCAINE CHARGES DUE TO LACK OF EVIDENCE

2006-06-15T13:41:00.000+01:00

Presumably she's snorted the whole lot by now.

EXHIBIT A

2006-06-15T13:39:00.000+01:00

Kate Moss snorts cocaine.

EXHIBIT B

2006-06-15T13:37:00.000+01:00

Kate Moss cuts cocaine.

HERO OR VILLAIN?

2006-06-14T00:35:00.000+01:00

Until the age of 30 I hated cats. As a child our family had a cat, Jerry, but my dad ran him over pulling the car into the drive one day and grandad had to bury him in the garden.
After a spell of no cats, I always found it difficult to get attached to the buggers, moody, self-pleasing, and nowhere near as much fun as a dog.
But the cats I didn't like were cats I didn't really know.
Over the past ten years I have shared houses with two people that own cats, and both of the felines help me understand that cats don't love you, you have to love them. I like them now.
Anyway, I'm off subject.
This cat is Tee Cee. Interesting not only because he shares my initials, but because he is one of four cats nominated for "Hero Cat of the Year".
Apparently, Tee Cee can predict the complex epileptic fits of owner Michael Edmonds. When Tee Cee gets close and stares at Michael, a fit is on its way:
"We noticed that Tee Cee began staring at my step-father prior to a seizure and then ran to my mother to let her know all is not well, acting as an early warning system," says Michael's step-daughter Samantha Laidler, who nominated the cat for the award.
"Once assistance arrives," she added, "Tee Cee doesn't leave Michael's side until he regains consciousness and his warnings have proved invaluable to the family."
Now this is all very well, and obviously Tee Cee, who was dumped in a river as a kitten and then rescued, is seen as a real hero in Sheffield where he lives.
But let's just ponder this.
What if Michael is actually cured somehow of his terrible fits, and it's Tee Cee's evil stare that sets them off?

E.R. ON TOUR: NOW IT'S FRANCE

2006-06-13T16:55:00.000+01:00

Bonjour from sunny south west France. I've got to stay here a whole week. Sigh. Just off to watch France vs Switzerland in a bar.
Allez Les Bleus, or something...

ALZHEIMERS VACCINE "SUCCESSFULLY TESTED ON MICE"

2006-06-13T12:26:00.000+01:00

Apparently after using the treatment they could remember their name and date of birth again, but still occasionally lost their car keys down the back of the sofa.

HEATHER MILLS "MCCARTNEY" TO SUE OVER CLAIMS SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE IN HER 20s

2006-06-13T12:11:00.000+01:00

Earning money by fucking rich men? As if Heather would do such a thing in her 20s. In her 30s, maybe...

THREE GUANTANAMO SUICIDES "A PR STUNT" TO GET ATTENTION SAYS US ASST SECRETARY OF STATE COLLEEN GRAFFY

2006-06-12T23:22:00.000+01:00

Yeah, great stunt.
It obviously worked, as "apparently" they've been let out now - without charge.

US BULLSHIT GOES ON - EVEN OVER THE DEATH OF THIS EVIL FUCK

2006-06-12T23:10:00.000+01:00

You would think that the one story in Iraq that America would get straight would be the death of their number one target - Iraqi al-qaeda leader Abu Masabal Zarqawi.
Yet even about this evil fuck the USA can't help telling a pack of lies.
Firstly it was reported that he died in the aerial attack on a house by an American chopper.
Fair enough, all sounds fine.
Yet next, Major General William Caldwell tells Fox News that Zarqawi was still alive after the attack and was put on a stretcher by Iraqi police "who were the first to arrive at the scene".
Slightly odd that Iraqi police were first to arrive on the scene of a highly targeted and secret operation by the US military.
Especially when, as Donald Rumsfeld later confusingly announced "special US forces had taken up positions in a palm grove around the house after the decision was taken to bomb it and were first on the scene."
So a US chopper drops a bomb on its most wanted terrorist in Iraq, with special forces hiding in a palm grove around it, yet, with civil war going on around them, an understaffed Iraqi police force is not only the first to arrive, but has the time to put Zarqawi, still alive, onto a stretcher?
With all this bullshit surrounding one of America's few successful operations in Iraq, what fucking chance have we got about getting the truth about murdered Iraqi civillians?
Even in the face of a tiny non-significant but publicly reassuring victory such as this, the spin doctors of the US military manage to fuck up the story so many times it already looks like a sham.
One wonders whether Zarqawi blew himself up with one of his bomb-making chums by mistake, and was found by police, and then eventually tracked down by the US military who didn't even have a fucking clue he was there.
Right now, that seems more believable than anything coming out of Rumsfeld's murderous shite-filled lying gob.

CHINA BANS ENGLISH RANTER (Oh yeah, and something called Google too)

2006-06-08T14:08:00.000+01:00

Just heard from a friend who has moved to China for six months that he can't access English Ranter over there. Apparently Google China isn't much cop either, with a load of "politically sensitive" content banned. Google's founder Sergey Brin admitted this week the company had compromised its principles by allowing the development of a censored Google.
I wouldn't mind, but usually I'm quite nice about China.
Commie-web-censoring wankers.

BLAIR MEETS FORMER NAZI FOR TIPS ON CHANGING HIS IMAGE

2006-06-06T22:32:00.000+01:00

Blair: "Is the Pope a Catholic?"
Pope: "Do Blairs shit in the woods?"

SUPPORT THE WRONG GUY

2006-06-06T22:01:00.000+01:00

English Ranter was sad to hear that Guy Goma, the man who went for a cleaning manager job at the BBC and ended up being interviewed by mistake live about the Apple Computers vs Apple Corp copyright case DID NOT get the job he went for.
A petition has been started up to get Guy a job, since he was more fun than most of the output on BBC News 24.
Unlike most of the so-called "state" broadcaster's presenting staff, Guy is black, weighs more than six stone, probably didn't go to public school, and obviously has some balls.
You can support Guy's bid for employment, and watch his appearance on the live news channel, by signing a petition at the recently started fan site, www.guygoma.com

BRITAIN'S OLDEST WAR VETERAN PUTS DOWN LONG LIFE TO BIRDS, BOOZE AND FAGS

2006-06-06T21:15:00.000+01:00

We won't be seeing 110-year-old Henry Allingham in a stop smoking advert.
Born in 1896, H says that his long life has been achieved by "cigarettes, whisky, and wild, wild women."
Happy Birthday Henry.
Henry took part in the Battle of Jutland in World War I, 90 years ago.
Without the victory against the German sea assault, Europe's waters would have been surrended to facism*.
(*actually prussianism I am informed, see comments)

UK SPORTS MINISTER TESSA JOWELL BACKS ENGLAND FOR WORLD CUP VICTORY

2006-06-06T21:05:00.000+01:00

Surprised she isn't supporting the Italians.
After all, they paid for her fucking house.
In February this year it was revealed that Tessa Jowell's lawyer husband David Mills accepted a gift of £400,000 which it has been alleged by Italian prosecutors was paid by the country's former Prime Minister.
The money was used as a downpayment on her £700,000 Kentish Town home.
Yesterday Mills faced further charges that he has brought the position of Italian Prime Minister into disrepute.

English Ranter Returns After Sloppy Posting Spell

2006-06-06T13:01:00.000+01:00

Apologies to regular readers who have been let down by the lack of E.R. updates over the past two weeks.
This has been due to another unexpected trip to the Portuguese capital in a bid to earn some "wonga".
This has now been earnt, and subsequently normal-ish service will be resumed.
Thanks for your patience.
E.R.

"MIRACLE" AS RAINBOW APPEARS WHILE POPE PRAYS AT AUSCHWITZ

2006-05-29T23:31:00.000+01:00

Strangely, the pot of gold at the end of it was locked inside a Catholic church.

POSH KNOB SHOWS TORIES NEW COLOURS

2006-05-26T11:56:00.000+01:00

"Jessie" Norman, Director of the think tank Policy Exchange, who support David Cameron's Compassionate Conservatism, on Sky News:
"We need to look at the relationships that are important in people's lives, whether it's Newcastle Football Club," - that was his "ordinary people" pitch, then he stumbled a bit, and said, "um, or, their local, um, church, or bridge club, or golf club".
Hmm, so after football the only things that really matter in peoples lives are the church, playing bridge, or golf.
Good to see the Tories are getting real.
Even if you are a Tory, there's some breaking news about Wayne Rooney you may just be interested in on www.worldcupranter.blogspot.com
Right, I'm off to watch some dodgy music in Lisbon.
Stheeya.

Just because I'm in Portugal...

2006-05-26T01:15:00.000+01:00

...doesn't mean I didn't piss myself laughing when I saw those Enron tossers could spend the rest of their life in jail.
Greedy fuckers.

E.R. ON TOUR MAY 25 - MAY 29

2006-05-24T23:52:00.000+01:00

Some people would call it work.
Anyway, E.R. hopes to still be blogging from the Portuguese capital, and a laptop is coming with me, but if you don't hear from me, you know that I've ballsed-up getting online in the land of the sardine. Or sea of the sardine.
There's definitely a sardine involved at any rate.
Anyone know any handy Portuguese phrases? (Remember, it's not Spanish).
Like "where's the computer shop?" or "How much exactly is considered personal use?"
At least I should get a tan...

AUDITIONS FOR "CHINESE IDOL" BEGIN

2006-05-24T02:50:00.000+01:00

Not sure that's quite what Simon Cowell had in mind....

PERSONAL DETAILS OF 26.5 MILLION US ARMY VETS "GO MISSING" ON SINGLE DISK

2006-05-24T02:18:00.000+01:00

Bureaucratic bungling and digital armageddon took a step closer to meeting each other today as 10% of the US population had its personal details "lost" by the Veteran Affairs department and could now be victims of financial fraud.
26.5 million US veterans and their families have been sent letters telling them to watch out for financial irregularities in their bank accounts after information went missing. The VA Department is allegedly responsible for the welfare of veterans and their relatives - but let one of its employees take home records containing the names, addresses, and social security numbers of 26.5 million people even though he was not authorized to do so.
The house of the employee was then the subject of a burglary, and all details were stolen, including disability ratings.
What an almighty fuck-up.

UK HOME OFFICE CHIEFS MEET FOR CRISIS "TALKS" (ID CARDS WILL BE BROUGHT IN BY THE ONE ON THE RIGHT)

2006-05-24T02:13:00.000+01:00

That's the head of immigration on the left, the bloke in charge of prison security is in the middle, and the one on the right is dying to tell someone not to put him in charge of the introduction of ID cards and the digital data collection of 56 million British citizens, but just can't quite get the words out.

INTRODUCING A MAGICAL NEW PAIN KILLER FREE TO EVERYONE ON EARTH: THE BRAIN

2006-05-23T12:41:00.000+01:00

A petition from senior British doctors and scientists to stop funding alternative medicines with NHS money is in part a good one. Anyone who has followed the studies of the effect of placebos in recent years will see there is a gaping hole in the proof of alternative medicine's success stories.
The placebo effect isn't a popular cure because, well, despite making us feel a bit better, it makes us feel a bit stupid.
As though there was nothing wrong with us in the first place.
But this isn't true.
Remember when you were a kid and you fell over and your parents told you to "rub it better"? It wasn't the rubbing that worked - it was the attention from your parents that helped with the pain.
Recent studies have shown that the placebo effect not only makes people feel better - it can actually make the brain respond to the body's illness, and produce chemicals that ease the symptons.
Mental, but true.
Last year, doctors in Italy found that the placebo effect stopped sufferers of Parkinsons diseases from shaking and feeling so much pain. It didn't cure them, but it helped the symptoms, despite the fact they were given tiny pills with no more medical power than a polo mint.
In America a placebo cream helped the brain produce actions that reduced pain in patients given an electric shock, and at the University of Michigan doctors estimated that 80 - 90% of pills prescribed could be replaced with placebos and still help with pain.
And here's the rub.
While alternative medicines, whether they work or not, indulge and involve the brain in the cure, as, no doubt, do most of the placebo experiments linked to above, the experience of seeing most doctors do nothing of the sort.
Most traditional doctors have the personal skills of a camel.
Patients feel like they are on a conveyor belt, rushed in, rushed out, given a prescription they can't read, told a load of gobbledegook they don't understand, made to feel guilty they might be taking up time that could be used on someone else.
If there's something that's going to make you feel worse if you're feeling unwell, it's a visit to an NHS hospital.
Most private doctors are NHS doctors too, so this isn't a rant at the NHS.
It's just part of the conventional treatment.
Compare this to the hour-long consultation at the start of any homeopathic treatment, something to be supported by Prince Charles in a speech this afternoon. It's no surprise Charlie loves it - alternative medicine is loved by the middle and upper classes with time on their hands to feel unwell.
Doctors sit there and listen, ask about your lifestyle, your emotions, your fears. Many give you lifestyle choices, therapeutic complimentary solutions, all massaging your sick little self.
Then they talk about how a tiny microscopic amount of a magical plant, one millionth of a millionth of a gram of which will be put in water by you and taken three times a day.
Constantly reminding you you'll be cured each time you drink your water.
You get a follow up meeting, usually once a week, whether you feel better or not.
And surprise surprise, after a chat, a little care, some sympathy, some pills, some explanation of why you will feel better, many times, patients do feel better.
Unfortunately though, the traditional NHS doctors involved in today's petition aren't asking for more time to spend with patients, or training to make them better carers rather than, on the whole, pig-faced stuck-up arrogant know-it-alls that enjoy making you feel small every time you step into their office.
They want the cash to prescribe more drugs.
Which of course have a placebo effect themselves, but with none of the care and sympathy handed out with alternative medicine.
Maybe if they took the time to learn why alternative therapies work for some people - without having to believe that it's anything to do with the "treatment" itself - they might themselves have to prescribe less drugs, rather than more, and there would be more cash to go around for everyone who needs treatment.
Picture shows my brain, yesterday.

JESUS DUG UP IN SOUTH EAST LONDON GARDEN

2006-05-23T01:58:00.000+01:00

Holy asparagus!
Gardener Martin Gregory saw this face looking back at him when he took an asparagus plant out of its pot in his garden in Abbey Wood, South-East London.
"It hasn't made me religious," added 52-year-old Martin, though his local vicar told him maybe someone was trying to send him a message.
Maybe the message was he'd look good in a beard.
For all Jesus look-a-likes (and some that look like celebrities), see the Easter special in the archives under the "April" link on the right, post date: Friday April 14.
Many thanks to the lovely Louis - a fine connoisseur of London trivia, among other things - for the tip.

393 INMATES "WALK OUT" OF ONE OPEN PRISON IN 7 YEARS

2006-05-23T00:38:00.000+01:00

Leyhill prison in the UK must be on every convicted criminal's "Preferred Prison" list.
Since 1999, about one inmate a week has walked out of the open prison, that has no perimeter walls.
This might not be so bad if they were among the 30,000 inmates in our prisons serving sentences of under 12 months, presumably for lesser crimes than rape or murder.
But 22 murderers and seven rapists have left Leyhill without a guard dog barking or an alarm being raised.
300 of the 393 have left in the past three years.
While the Home Office claimed 75% of them had been subsequently caught, they did not say which 75%.

NEW IDEAS ON THIS BLOG: LATEST STATS

2006-05-23T00:18:00.000+01:00

Ok I'll stop with the graph now.

BUSH APPROVAL POLL: LATEST FIGURES

2006-05-23T00:08:00.000+01:00

The American people have this month given President Bush their lowest approval rating since the war-mongering fuckwit came to office.
His lowest ever approval rating - 31%, and his highest ever disapproval rating - 63%, came despite attempts to massage down American casualties in Iraq by cutting US tours of duty in the embattled country by two-thirds, despite escalating violence.
Which is why the % of British soldiers injured in recent attacks has risen.
Figures available at www.cbsnews.com, but the above graph is pretty accurate.

SHARE PRICES LATEST...

2006-05-22T23:58:00.000+01:00

Stock exchanges across the world continued their slide today.
The Hong Kong index had its biggest fall for five years, while in India the stock exchange was suspended after a massive 10% one day fall. Indian police officers were put on watch over nearby rivers and canals for fear of trader suicides (seriously).
The FTSE and Wall Street continued to fall further after last week's drop.
To understand why, see this blog for last Thursday, May 18, "Bush Runs Out of Funny Money (so now it's time for us all to pay up)".

HALF-PRICE MICRO-SOUND TOOTHBRUSH MADE IN CHINA AND BUZZES LIKE FUCK

2006-05-22T22:32:00.000+01:00

Bought this at the supermarket today.
The little bugger wouldn't sit still for the photo.
Nice to think it was probably made in the Chinese vibrator and dildo factory.

FIVE FACTS ABOUT BRITISH ASYLUM SEEKERS

2006-05-22T12:57:00.000+01:00

Since they are getting a bit of a hard time, I thought I'd mention these...

* Asylum seekers are NOT ALLOWED to work in the first 12 months after they arrive in the UK.
* Benefits for asylum seekers are 30% below those of unemployed Brits.
* Asylum seekers are not given preference in finding council accommodation but mostly put in properties deemed unfit for people born in Britain.
* Asylum seekers are twice as likely to be the victims of crime but no more likely to commit crime
* 83% of female asylum seekers do not go out at night in the UK for fear of attack

Welcome to the UK, where in a recent survey of what being "British" meant, one of the most popular responses was "welcoming and understanding of other cultures".
Indeed.