SHITTING IN OUR CHOCOLATE AND TELLING US IT'S PAINLESS
I don't mean, by shit, sugar, e-numbers, syrup and the usual nonsense that goes into chocolate bars, I MEAN SHIT.
The recently knighted SIR John Sutherland was hysterically given a knighthood by our insane, inbred of a monarch for his work for corporate governance. Corporate governance is of course making business transparent and accountable to their customers and shareholders.
Meanwhile, one assumes that since he owns the company, he knew that a WASTE PIPE was overflowing into the deliciously named "chocolate crumb" that the company puts into SEVEN of its most popular chocolate bars sold to kids, old people, and the rest of us.
Even more astonishingly, Cadburys knew that the SHIT containing SALMONELLA was dripping into its chocolate BACK IN JANUARY, but didn't tell anyone!
Presumably if it had been in their white chocolate we might have spotted it. But since it was BROWN SHIT going into BROWN SHITTY CHOCOLATE it didn't make any difference, and Cadburys decided to keep quiet. After all, if you don't wash your hands after having a POO you can have SHIT in your mouth when you eat, so who's to know it's CADBURYS SHIT IN YOUR STOMACH MAKING YOU ILL?
It was only after people all over the country started getting salmonella poisoning of the same strain OF SHIT that Cadburys let on it might be THEIR SHIT, in THEIR SHITTY CHOCOLATE BARS, making babies, pregnant women, children, and old people ill.
Finally last week they recalled one million chocolate bars suspected of HAVING SHIT IN THEM from the shelves.
Cadbury has recalled 250g Dairy Milk Turkish, Dairy Milk Caramel and Dairy Milk Mint bars, eight-chunk Dairy Milk bars, 1kg Dairy Milk bars, 10p Freddo bars and 105g Dairy Milk Buttons Easter Eggs.
BIT FUCKING LATE FOR EASTER EGGS, ISN'T IT?
Food agency experts are now checking 30 other Cadburys bars in case they have SHIT in them too.
Half the victims in this scare are UNDER TWO YEARS OLD.
Then today, two more things about the SHIT in Cadburys chocolate has been uncovered. Firstly, that Cadburys' own tests for salmonella are out of date, and couldn't be sensitive enough to tell for sure if their new bars still have SHIT in them.
Secondly, as UK news programme ITN discovered today, their "HELPLINE" is telling LIES to customers worried about eating the bars about the amount of SHIT in a bar that will make you ill.
"You have to eat 60 bars at a time," the lady on the end of the helpline told several different callers who rang up, recorded by the news station.
But, reassuringly, plenty of scientists then came on the telly and said that's not quite right actually, but that you should have NO SHIT in a chocolate bar, and any amount of SHIT was not really very good for you, what with SHIT being something that should be outside the body and NOT IN YOUR FUCKING STOMACH.
It must be proud to run a company that can shit in its food and sell it to kids and not tell anyone. If you fancy boycotting Cadburys, not only because their chocolate may contain SHIT, not only because they have poisoned a bunch of kids, but primarily they have acted like complete and utter cunts, you don't have to live in the UK.
If you don't want to buy goods from a company that shits in its products and then keeps it secret, have a think about making these consumer choices worldwide. Cadburys-Schweppes make drinks and sweets worldwide.
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT THERE IS SHIT IN THESE PRODUCTS. BUT THEN AGAIN, EVEN IF CADBURYS KNEW THERE WAS, THEY'D TAKE A VIEW BEFORE THEY'D TELL YOU. NICE TO KNOW, HUH?
PS, they also make RC Cola in the states. Presumably pronounced "Arsey Cola".
Brands made by Cadburys Schweppes in the United States that are owned by the same company that put shit in chocolate bars and didn't tell anyone...
A & W root beer
A W Cream Soda
Halls fruit breezers
Sour Patch sweets
Halls cold pastilles