QUESTION: HAS DUFFY SOLD OUT?

Don't worry if Duffy starring in this advert for Diet Coke is confusing you before you answer.

To be sure, watch the video and pause it at 47 seconds. On the sign you'll see DUFFY and beneath it you'll find the answer to the question, while Duffy saunters by on her jaunty bike powered by the devil's spawn.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Probably because it was trying to escape the bird flu epidemic which, while people worry about share prices and falling returns on interest, is back back and indeed back.
The world's economic "turmoil" and a bit of snow over England has made the subject of bird flu barely newsworthy.
The irony being that Bird Flu could actually solve many of the world's problems, rather like that meteor that hit earth and killed the dinosaurs so that the mammals could get a piece of the action.
But it won't be pretty. Predictions are that the young and old will die, leaving a marginally middle aged earth population cut by a third with more than enough jobs, resources and money to go around.
Just in case you haven't heard, there is currently a bad case of bird flu in canada, china, hong kong, and egypt. People have started dying.
When a few of them get on planes before they die, then someone near you will die too.

shopaholic crushed under her own purchases

Credit crunch takes latest victim?

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Shopaholic-Found-Dead-By-Police-Under-Mountain-Of-Purchases-At-Her-UK-Home/Article/200901215199886?f=rss

9/11 internet conspiracy theorists find new picture that proves "it never really happened".

Maybe they should get out more. Looks real enough to me though, I'll give them that.

this is a bit late

Olympic flame guarded by "Chinese smurfs"

News today from France that as the Olympic flame passes through Paris, unlit on a bus, there might be a French connection to the mysterious short blue security guards who are accompanying the symbolic torch on its worldwide tour.

As seen from the picture above, as the flame is carried through the streets of London by Britain's former "best looking athlete", the little fellows blue are even ahead of the police when it comes to keeping their wick warm.

But the decision to move next to France may have backfired, as "les petit bleus", who have fought Tibet sympathisers worldwide without being identified, may have been uncovered as a Far East relation to the French ethinic group "Les Schtroumpfs ".

Many have long argued that the Smurf society resembles communism, with its philosophy that if every Smurf applies themself to what they are good at, in return they will be fed and housed.

Since the recent swing of France to the right, and its recent poor publicity around the class-and-race-driven Parisian riots, it seems likely that Smurfs have long since left their homeland and taken up residency in the People's Republic of China.

The true identity of the "guardians of the flame" is still unknown, even by the governments that let them guard the flame on their streets. If they have guns, or are pretty shit hot at kung fu is also unknown.

French police commented: "Merde".

Still, they would do, it's the only French word I know...

The latest victims of the war against terror

In a week in which a military report told of US marines not giving a toss about the lives of Iraqi civillians in a raid on the town of Haditha, more news of the Bush government's disdain for the poor comes from somewhere a little closer to home.

As reported in this blog last year, America has a higher infant death mortality rate than Cuba. But while this number has been steadily dropping since figures began, for the first time, in some states, the number is on the rise.

The New York Times today reports that America's babies in the Southern states are now 50% more likely to die in their first year of life than they were three years ago. While predominantly white American states continue to see the figures get better, Alabama, North and South Carolina, Tennessee and Louisiana have all seen the numbers stagnate - and now get worse.

Nowhere is this shown more starkly than in Mississippi, where a baby is almost twice as likely to die in its first year than the national average for the rest of the country.

Perhaps more relevant than the geographical factor is the racial one. As the people of New Orleans are all too aware, Bush doesn't particularly give a shit. What happens in the black south, stays in the black south.

Across America, black voters are harder to find than a Medicaid-accepting hospital.

The cost of the war on Iraq is in part being funded by making it harder for America's poor to get access to healthcare. While America's child mortality rate is only 10th of the world's industrialised nations, if you are a black American baby then your rates of survival are comparable with newborns in Russia, Sri Lanka, Venezuala, and Libya.

In February this year, George W. Bush made this statement in celebration of African American History Month: "All Americans can be proud of the progress we have made, yet the work for a more perfect union is not done. As we celebrate National African American History Month, we reaffirm our commitment to build a society where every individual has the opportunity to achieve the promise of this great land."

Obviously he was only talking about the individuals that live past their first birthday.

Jim Fixes It On Louis Theroux - and I admit this blog is now shit

No wonder the BBC gave him a show working with children. See April 16, 2006, in the archives - column on the right, down a bit, under "earlier on e.r" (April 2006 was probably the best month of this blog, so if you're new here, it's the way things used to be when I cared), if you're wondering what I think of the cunt. Whoops, I guess that's a clue...

NEW DAYTIME TV SHOW ANNOUNCED: THROUGH THE C-HOLE

Q: Who would live in a house like this?

A: Who cares. They're bound to be a cunt. etc.

TONY BLAIR IN HILARIOUS COMIC RELIEF SKETCH

I cant be arsed to post the video and it's two weeks old anyway. Just type in Tony Blair Comic Relief into you tube if you didn't see it.
Bovvered Tony? Bovvered? Bovvered about the war? Bovvered about the 500,000+ dead Iraqi civilians? Bovvered about the 2 million people who took the streets (unlike the one million that signed an online petition about road charges)? Bovvered about your move from negative liberty to positive liberty (ie the one that determines whether you decide to murder - bit like Stalin)? Bovvered about the targets you set hospitals that meant managers were able to call corridors wards, or take the wheels off trolleys and call them beds? Bovvered about the highest prison population Britain has ever seen (tackling the causes of crime?)? Bovvered about abandoning beliefs in politics and deciding it's up to God? Bovvered about setting targets for schools with classes containing kids speaking 16 different native languages (it's not the mix that's the problem - it's the default term of failure if mixing doesn't reach a target)? Bovvered about renewing Trident and breaking the nuclear proliferation laws you once signed up to? Bovvered about bombing one nation for being Muslim fundamentalists while licking Saudi Arabia's archaic monarchistic arse?
Bovvered about selling us out Tony?
Bovvered?
Do you look Bovvered?
No mate, you do not.

LANDED GENTRY IN POVERTY SCANDAL

There's nothing like some cunt sitting at home eating bourgouis organic food in a central heated house with egyptian cotton sheets and fine wine from across the globe imported into their cupboard moaning about how fucking poor they are.

Well actually there is. There's the cunt that owns the house that the some cunt sits in, charging rent each month, creating not only a profit of 30% on their investment on the mortgage payments alone, not withstanding the increase in property prices running in London at approx 12% per year for the past 12 years, which means that every £100 rent they receive makes them roughly £142. So with a one-bedroom flat in town costing about £1000 a month, and the average property worth £250,000, that's £32k, tax free, per year.

So while that poor owning bastard happily see the profit on their investment double every six years, he also uses the profit in rent to fund another housing investment that they sit in, which of course has to be bigger than the rented place (after all who's the fucking boss here?) but also means that while none of the capital is realised or liquid - IT IS FUCKING CAPITAL.

So the next time the wanker with the over extended mortgage (paid for by your rent) and the two properties, and the car, and the family, and the shares in Nescafe and Esso, tells you how tough it is to be them. CHECK IF THEY HAVE BUILDING INSURANCE, AND IF THEY DON'T BURN THEIR FUCKING HOUSE DOWN. Then at least when they make you homeless, it will have been for a reason.

WHAT GOES "PECK PECK BANG?"

A turkey in a minefield.
Still, it could be worse.
It could be in a Bernhard Matthews shed in Norfolk being gassed to death because it's got bird flu.

SADDAM IS HANGED BY AMERICAN DWARVES: EXCLUSIVE EXECUTION PIC

MARX GOT IT WRONG

Democracy is the opium of the people.
Religion is the crack of the stupid.

E.R. DEMANDS ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS OVER DEATH OF RUSSIAN SPY

1. What the fuck is Polonium-210?
2. How do I get some?

BRAND SPECIAL: AL QUAEDA MISS A CHANCE TO IMPROVE THEIRS

Where are those suicide bombers when you need one?
Imagine if the two of them had sex.
It'd be like some 1930s Polish horror movie about freaks set in a circus.

BRAND SPECIAL: KFC IMAGE IS FIRST BRAND VISIBLE FROM SPACE

Obviously looking for a new alien market after earthlings discovered that KFC is inhumane, disgusting, unhealthy crap in a box.

BRAND SPECIAL: COKE ZERO A HUGE SUCCESS

Named after the fucking losers that drink it.

BRAND SPECIAL: CADBURYS PULL OUT OF CORONATION STREET SPONSORSHIP

Cadburys is now aiming for a more upmarket audience after poisoning hundreds of working class people by knowingly selling them chocolate containing faeces. (See post from July 4 for details).

oh cock

When I've written about the bird flu virus H1N5 before on this blog, I've been confronted with a certain amount of cynicism that the virus holds any danger at all.
After all, it's killed only about 140 people in the past year or two.
So let's look at the virus that's the grandaddy of H1N5 - the H1N1.
The H1N1 first appeared during World War One, in 1916.
But despite a few deaths here and there, no one considered there was anything to worry about.
In 1917 only 114 people died of H1N1. In 1918 the virus killed, er, hang on let me check this. No, it's right.
The virus killed 50 million people.
In six months.
Most scientists agree that when (not if) H1N5 mutates, world travel (as was the case of the soldiers returning home in 1918) will ensure a greater spread of the diseases, faster.
The number of deaths worldwide will double, every three days.
For three months.
If you try doubling the number 1 thirty times on your fingers (for the 90-day duration of a pandemic), you end up, on your little finger of your right hand, by count thirty, something very roughly in the region of 1 billion people.
Funny how quickly those little numbers become big.
No one can prepare for the mutation, because, duh, it's a mutation.
What is interesting, as well, is that in 1918, the H1N1 didn't attack kids, the fragile, or the elderly.
Nine out of ten victims were aged 25 to 35.
The stronger your immune system is, the more it is likely to overreact to the attack of the virus. And it's the over-reaction that kills you. Eventually your lungs fill with blood and you cop it.
H1N5 acts in the same way.
And those of you grabbing a bottle of Tamiflu (the anti virul drug being stockpiled) may be disappointed to hear that unfortunately, unless the entire world takes Tamiflu for the rest of their lives, the virus will kill as many people as if we never took it at all.
And there isn't enough to take it forever, so, er, there's no point taking it at all.
Anyone feel like chicken tonight? 

WORLD OUTRAGE AS SHORT, STUPID AND DANGEROUS DESPOT GETS HANDS ON WMDs

Hang on a minute...

AMERICA OUTRAGE AT NUCLEAR WEAPON DEVELOPED TO STOP JAPANESE IMPERIALISM

Hang on a minute...

CHRIS DE BURGH: "I HAVE HEALING HANDS LIKE CHRIST"

Let's hope someone nails the fucker to a cross then.

NEW GOVERNMENT INITIATIVE TO TACKLE UNWANTED PREGNANCIES

Seems straightforward enough.
Thanks to wanksy for the pic.

SCIENTISTS INVENT PILL TO CURE PREMATURE EJACULATION

Sufferers say it hasn't come a moment too soon. For once.

WELCOME

TO

GUANTANAMO

BAY

It's 60 days since the United Nations released a damning report containing 94 complaints against the rights and conditions for over 400 inmates at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.
It made seven recommedations to the United States, the first of which was that it should be closed immediately. Most inmates have been held without charge for three and a half years, some have been force fed, some tortured, and all have had either their human rights withdrawn, or have been kept under conditions which break the Geneva Convention.
Remixing of flea market pictures by Banksy.
See www.banksy.co.uk

POLICE USE PARTY AS EXCUSE TO EARN TRIPLE TIME AT BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND WATCHING PEOPLE DANCE

Police and army have surrounded more than 500 people that are right now (it's 1am) having an "illegal rave" on army land in Epynt in Wales (pictured). I'm so fucking annoyed. I used to go to these things, now I only read about them on the news. Still, they were mostly rubbish.

POPE TELLS AMERICANS: "TOO MUCH WORK MAKES YOU STUPID"

Admittedly a bit rich coming from a man that gets carried around in a chair, but nonetheless advice that the yanks continue to ignore. Pope Benedict told tourists in Rome last week that working too hard leads to a "hardening of the heart" and "suffering of the spirit" as well as a "loss of intelligence".
Meanwhile a survey shows that a record 40% of American workers have no plans to take any holiday in the next six months - more than any time since the 1970s. Unlike almost all other industrialised nations, American employers do not have to give paid holidays.
The average American, including public holidays (which they have plenty) takes less than 4 weeks holiday a year, compared with 6.6 in the UK and 7.9 in Italy. Plus more Americans than ever dont even take their holidays when they are given them, with a total of 574 million holiday days (about 4 each) going unclaimed.
Now that is stupid.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Overall the army was good for Jason" - the mother of 19-year-old Jason Chelsea from Manchester, who, prior to his first tour of duty of Iraq, committed suicide by taking an overdose. His suicide note said he did not want to shoot children, after he was told in training he might have to kill children as young as two in battle.

MEL GIBSON ORDERED TO ATTEND AA MEETINGS

Quite right too. His acting's been anonymous since Gallipoli.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS - IN 15 YEARS YOU'LL PROBABLY BE GOING TO WAR OVER IT

No, it's not a new chair from Ikea. In 15 years time, when wars over oil will either be old hat (because there wont be any oil left) or pointless anyway (because we'll already be dead), then it may be time to start fighting about something else. Except unlike oil, which, to be honest, the human race did ok without for quite a while, this is something much more important that none of us can live without. This is a water molecule.
It's not just tossers like me that are recognizing the new "value" of water. That Bono-owned bible of capitalism, Forbes, has already recommended to its readers: "Water is one of the world's great business opportunities. It promises to be to the 21st century what oil was to the 20th."
How nice for this essential element to already be on their shopping list. The shanty town population of Bolivia, who cant afford the cost of three months pay for a private company to give them even a single pipe to drink clean water from, already know that what comes out of the sky isn't necessarily free.
A report by CBC Canada (who, incidentally, lucked out on the water stakes, along with water-rich Russia, Brazil and China - three energy rich countries too) shows that private businesses already own the water supply to several hundred million people on every continent in the world.
This map shows how the world will be doing for water in less than 20 years time.


If you live in a red bit, you're fucked, no matter how much money you have. If you live in the orange bit, you'll be OK as long as you can afford it, and if you live in a blue bit, you'll be OK. Except you won't be OK. A shortage of something like water will cause an attempted mass migration by those who don't have it to somewhere that does. Except things like borders and cultural differences usually mean that this won't be possible, and the resolution will be war.
There are some commentators who already believe that the driver behind the Rwandan massacres was a shortage of water, and in the middle east, where 5% of the world's population tries to live on 1% of the world's water, conflicts over clean water add to an already dire relationship between Jews and Arabs. Jews are commonly called Well Poisoners, a name dating back hundreds of years, and as recently as last year stories of Jewish settlers poisoning Arab wells appeared on Al Jazeera news.
Meanwhile, as consumption fuels global warming, evaporation is becoming worse, and aggravating the issue even further.
Eventually the earth's population is going to exceed the available supply. And unlike oil, there just isn't another option. It will be fight for your water - or die anyway.
So relax about oil running out.
Energy wars are old hat.
Water is running out. And unlike oil, there isn't an alternative, no hippy commune to hide inside, no wind farm to blow away your worries. With 8 billion people wanting water, and only enough to go round, even with no borders, prejudice or private companies, for 6 billion, then somehow, somewhere, 2 billion people have just got to go.
(By the way, if you live in the white bit of that map, then you're either in an igloo or up Mount Everest.)

IF YOU DON'T NAIL IT DOWN...

...some cunt will nick it, that's what my old dad used to say. Trouble is these days, the price of nickel what it is, someone will steal the nails too.
As the price of raw materials continues to rise (what with them running out forever) it's become profitable for thieves to steal manhole covers in East London and sell them off for scrap. Fetching between £5 - £10 a time (US $9 - $18), the missing covers have been causing havoc, not least because of the hole they leave behind. Police have upgraded the crime to "stealing a safety device" which carries a jail sentence, following thefts in Stratford, West Ham, Forest Gate and Canning Town.
Deputy Mayor of Newham Christine Bowen told the BBC: "They are leaving dangerous holes in the ground that put pedestrians, especially the most vulnerable, at risk of falling into them. They could also cause great damage to vehicles." Thanks for that, Christine. Very insightful.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #1

Apparently with HDTV at home you could see the strings, and it looked a bit like Thunderbirds without all the fuzz.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #3

Those black holes get everywhere.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #2

They probably filed it under "S" for "Space" stuff.

NASA "LOSE" HDTV FOOTAGE OF MOON LANDING #4

One small step for man, one giant balls up for the archive department.

TOTALLY SHIT KING KONG MADE OF SAND

This has got to be the worst fucking thing anyone ever did. Looks more like the ginger old fella from planet of the apes than king kong. Still, the UK seaside town of Weston-Super-Mare were very proud of it.

TOTALLY SHIT KING KONG DESTROYED BY VANDALS

Yeah, magnificent it was.

EUROPE'S ANIMALS ARE FUCKED SAY WORLD WILDLIFE FUND (ESPECIALLY IN POLAND)

Actually, they didn't use that language precisely. But still, the WWF and indeed the European Union have come down hard on Poland after the country has pissed in the wind at efforts to preserve Europe's endangered species.
But what's even more disturbing than Poland's couldn't-give-a-toss attitude are the WWF figures on Europe's wildlife. When I was a kid, which despite now being 40 wasn't that long ago, it was the tiger, whale and possibly elephant that you had do worry about. Not any more according to the WWF.
They estimate that 50% of all of Europe's mammals face extinction and are now endangered, while the figure is 33% for fish, reptiles, amphibian and plants.
When 15 new countries including Poland joined the EU, a project called Natura 2000 was set up to preserve 18% of the land in them so that economic expansion didn't destroy wildlife.
While less than a fifth of land doesn't sound like a lot, the Polish prime minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski moaned this week: "it is practically impossible to build anything because of Natura 2000". Which sounds unlikely. Poland have set up just 70 of the 142 protected sites that was asked of it, and has failed to protect 85% of the ones it has set up.

ONE IN THREE HEATHROW FLIGHTS CANCELLED DUE TO BOMB PLOT

At least someone's doing something about global warming.

MEL GIBSON ADMITS HE ACTED LIKE A CUNT

Ok mate, enough about your career. Now what about this Driving Under the Influence charge and your drunken nazi beliefs?

WHILE I WAS AWAY THIS PICTURE I SENT IN TWO MONTHS AGO APPEARED ON 25PEEPS.COM

Can't understand why I only lasted three hours.

K DOESNT WOR ON MY EYBOARD

And they said I'd run out of ideas.

MID LIFE CRISIS ENDS IN MONTH LONG PARTY

Thank god they're both over. Sorry I've been a while. And now I'm 40.

MAN'S HEAD FALLS OFF INTO HIS HANDS

I guess it's a short back and sides for him at the hairdressers from now on.
Sambhu Roy was electricuted a few months ago and the area affected on his head recently fell off. He has now become an attraction in Calcutta, where hundreds of people have visited to see "the man with his head in his hands".

TOP SIX THINGS TO MAKE YOUR ARSE ITCH - AND BRIAN MAY

.
1. Coffee
2. Tea
3. Cola
4. Beer
5. Chocolate (with or without added shit - see below)
6. Tomatoes
Apparently a team of Israeli scientists have found that the best cure to persistent butt itch (for those that don't get cured by giving up the six items above) is sticking a chilli pepper up your arse.
Or at least the stuff in a chilli that makes it hot - capsaicin.
This and other interesting stuff can be found at the wonderful www.improbable.com which is ace. Though I am upset that they have included Queen guitarist Brian May in their Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club for Scientists

Brian has only three suspect astronomy papers to his name and his admirable support of astronomy being taught in schools.
Now I'm all for astronomy, but I don't think that means he counts as a scientist.
He barely fucking counts as a musician.

HAMAS FINALLY RECOGNIZES ISRAEL

It's that place the other side of the big wall where the tanks, aircraft and bombs come from.

LITTLE KITLERS

The debate about whether cats are good or evil has been fuelled by the recently-discovered-by-me but probably-been-around-for-ages www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com which is, frankly, brilliant. Even better than www.catsinsinks.com

SHITTING IN OUR CHOCOLATE AND TELLING US IT'S PAINLESS

The chairman of Cadburys-Schweppes must be pissing himself laughing after being given a knighthood by the Queen two weeks ago - and at the time knowing that he'd sold half a million chocolate bars to British consumers with SHIT in them.
I don't mean, by shit, sugar, e-numbers, syrup and the usual nonsense that goes into chocolate bars, I MEAN SHIT.
POO.
DOO-DOO.
BUM-CRAP.
ARSE-MATTER.
ANUS-DEBRIS.
BOTTY-SNOT.
The recently knighted SIR John Sutherland was hysterically given a knighthood by our insane, inbred of a monarch for his work for corporate governance. Corporate governance is of course making business transparent and accountable to their customers and shareholders.
Meanwhile, one assumes that since he owns the company, he knew that a WASTE PIPE was overflowing into the deliciously named "chocolate crumb" that the company puts into SEVEN of its most popular chocolate bars sold to kids, old people, and the rest of us.
Even more astonishingly, Cadburys knew that the SHIT containing SALMONELLA was dripping into its chocolate BACK IN JANUARY, but didn't tell anyone!
Presumably if it had been in their white chocolate we might have spotted it. But since it was BROWN SHIT going into BROWN SHITTY CHOCOLATE it didn't make any difference, and Cadburys decided to keep quiet. After all, if you don't wash your hands after having a POO you can have SHIT in your mouth when you eat, so who's to know it's CADBURYS SHIT IN YOUR STOMACH MAKING YOU ILL?
It was only after people all over the country started getting salmonella poisoning of the same strain OF SHIT that Cadburys let on it might be THEIR SHIT, in THEIR SHITTY CHOCOLATE BARS, making babies, pregnant women, children, and old people ill.
Finally last week they recalled one million chocolate bars suspected of HAVING SHIT IN THEM from the shelves.
Cadbury has recalled 250g Dairy Milk Turkish, Dairy Milk Caramel and Dairy Milk Mint bars, eight-chunk Dairy Milk bars, 1kg Dairy Milk bars, 10p Freddo bars and 105g Dairy Milk Buttons Easter Eggs.
BIT FUCKING LATE FOR EASTER EGGS, ISN'T IT?
Food agency experts are now checking 30 other Cadburys bars in case they have SHIT in them too.
Half the victims in this scare are UNDER TWO YEARS OLD.
Then today, two more things about the SHIT in Cadburys chocolate has been uncovered. Firstly, that Cadburys' own tests for salmonella are out of date, and couldn't be sensitive enough to tell for sure if their new bars still have SHIT in them.
Secondly, as UK news programme ITN discovered today, their "HELPLINE" is telling LIES to customers worried about eating the bars about the amount of SHIT in a bar that will make you ill.
"You have to eat 60 bars at a time," the lady on the end of the helpline told several different callers who rang up, recorded by the news station.
But, reassuringly, plenty of scientists then came on the telly and said that's not quite right actually, but that you should have NO SHIT in a chocolate bar, and any amount of SHIT was not really very good for you, what with SHIT being something that should be outside the body and NOT IN YOUR FUCKING STOMACH.
It must be proud to run a company that can shit in its food and sell it to kids and not tell anyone. If you fancy boycotting Cadburys, not only because their chocolate may contain SHIT, not only because they have poisoned a bunch of kids, but primarily they have acted like complete and utter cunts, you don't have to live in the UK.
If you don't want to buy goods from a company that shits in its products and then keeps it secret, have a think about making these consumer choices worldwide. Cadburys-Schweppes make drinks and sweets worldwide.
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT THERE IS SHIT IN THESE PRODUCTS. BUT THEN AGAIN, EVEN IF CADBURYS KNEW THERE WAS, THEY'D TAKE A VIEW BEFORE THEY'D TELL YOU. NICE TO KNOW, HUH?
PS, they also make RC Cola in the states. Presumably pronounced "Arsey Cola".

Brands made by Cadburys Schweppes in the United States that are owned by the same company that put shit in chocolate bars and didn't tell anyone...

7-up
A & W root beer
A W Cream Soda
Bubblicious
Trident gum
Dentyne
Halls fruit breezers
Sour Patch sweets
Halls cold pastilles
Stride gum
Swedish Fish
Bubbaloo
Chiclets
Clamato
Canada Dry
RC Cola
Sunkist
Motts

Enjoy!

UN FEARS AS COCAINE USERS IN EUROPE RISE TO 3.5 MILLION

Hang on, this might not be the right picture. That's David Cameron, the Conservative Party leader, who has clearly stated on record that he hasn't taken cocaine "since I became an MP". Very clear, Dave.

UN FEARS AS COCAINE USERS IN EUROPE RISE TO 3.5 MILLION

Hang on, that's the wrong picture too. That's Kate Moss "cutting" and about to "snort" a substance which there is no evidence is cocaine. Despite her checking into a substance abuse clinic after it was published, and her relationship with a self-confessed drug addict. No evidence at all.

UN FEARS AS COCAINE USERS IN EUROPE RISE TO 3.5 MILLION

Hang on, that's the wrong picture. That's protesters in East Timor's capital Dili, painted in white to represent the ghosts of those killed in recent unrest.
They're celebrating the resignation of Prime Minister Mari Alkatiri. Does remind me of a media party or two that I went to. Those were the days...

BIG BENT?

Is it me or is Big Ben starting to topple over? Judging by the cunts in the building it's attached to, maybe it's suffering from being the leaning-tower-of-piss-take.
I took this picture taking a friend from the USA around London this week.
Which was very nice.
Only one complaint.
Many of Britain's art galleries and museums manage to offer free entry, or entry with a non-compulsory suggested donation.
However, as soon as God got involved we were asked to dig deep. A visit to St Pauls cost us £9 each (that's about $17 each) and we decided against parting with even more (£10 each) to look inside Westminster Abbey.
No wonder church attendances are so low...

June 20th: Conservative Leader David Cameron tells the world to "big-up Asda" because of flexible working and great staff relations

June 22nd: Asda workers vote for strike action over pay and conditions at the stores (owned by Walmart) by almost 4 to 1.

ENGLAND SOCCER SUPPORTERS ARE BABOONS

Baboons at Knowsley safari park on Merseyside have built up a huge collection of England flags nicked from visitors' cars flying the flag in support of the team trying to win the World Cup in Germany.

AFTER "BLAIR FORCE ONE" EXPECT AIR FARCE TWO

News that Tony Blair has ordered a Boeing 737 and executive jet to fly around the world is likely to receive criticism from opposition leader David Cameron.
Blair is unlikely to use the new jets much since they will not enter service until 2008 - and he's off before the next election due around 2009/2010.
However, Cameron, who likes to be portrayed as some kind of executive green warrior, is likely to attack the move which could add to damage to the ozone layer.
Judging by Cameron's bike-riding enviromental effort (where he has a people-carrier driven behind him every day by an aide to carry his shoes and papers) expect him to demand a glider as the premiere's airbourne vehicle-of-choice.
Followed, of course, by six jumbo jets and a squadron of Harrier fighters to carry his ego.

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Previous applicants should apply, as we're running a bit short of candidates.
Applications by email to:
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English Ranter makes a few lines in The Observer newspaper (after Kate makes a few lines in a club)

English Ranter made this weekend's Review section of The Observer newspaper... thank you for letting me know Arty Smokes, as I'd not even looked!

BAD NEWS - HAWKING IS RIGHT

Stephen Hawking has caused a bit of a stir by telling mankind to inhabit the moon, Mars, and to start finding another place to live - and be quick about it.
The message from one of the world's brainiest men is simple - that one way or another technology, science, development, pollution, disease, overcrowding, religion or nature will destroy the earth.
The latter part of this theory is one supported in part by John Gray, in his insightful book Al Qaeda And What It Means To Be Modern. Gray isn't a scientist like Hawking, he's the Professor of European Thought at the London School of Economics. But don't let that put you off. While the book is already a year or two old, the predictions it makes are as up to date and as stark as ever.
With the population of the world not set to level off until it reaches the 10 billion mark, Gray argues that a scarcity of resources, combined with the clash between liberal evangelists and islamic fundamentalists will result in the huge devastation of societies and possibly the planet itself.
Drawing on conclusions such as that the Rwanda genocide was primarily fuelled by lack of water, that Gulf States have populations that double roughly every 20 years, that poverty, instability and faith create wars, and that no economic system recognizes a solution to finite resources and global warming, Gray argues that the modern world will be one of violence, corruption, and destruction.
The concept of a modern world as a better one is a relatively new one.
Gray proves that Al Qaeda and other violent factions are modern - funded by drugs, aided by the internet, and with access to weapons of mass destruction. The belief that this is a clash of civilisations is wrong. Al Qaeda are using the "modernity" of the West to try and destroy it.
That is not a clash, that is war, and war of the most modern kind.
One thing that Hawking doesn't explain in his statement, however, is how the conflicts of human nature on the earth will be eradicated in space.
For surely the voyagers upon his spacecraft to new worlds would be no more than supersonic versions of the pilgrims (and later, immigrants) that travelled to America and Australia to find a new beginning hundreds of years ago.
A new beginning which many Americans feel is superior to the established cultures of the past.
In Tasmania, Europeans slaughtered the aboriginies they found who had established a relationship with the earth that had maintained their existence, and the environment on which they survived, for thousands of years.
In America, the war with native American Indians again at best has brought European diseases of alcoholism, gambling, greed and war to peoples who had lived in relative harmony with their surroundings (though not necessarily with each other) for thousands of years.
And finally the violent society of America, the drug and gun culture of America, the paranoid foreign policies of American politicians, and the destruction of the planet through ever increasing consumption, IS America's brave new world.
And it will destroy it.
It seems ironic then, that the only country able to economically achieve Hawking's dream of inhabiting other worlds will be Americans.
Given their track record, maybe it's best that we all stay put.
What might be the best thing to hope for is that one of Hawking's apocolyptic predictions comes true - and fast.
Maybe that a meteor wipes us all out before we can set about fucking up another eden, another new world, or another bright new beginning.
Still, let's hope it waits til after the end of the footy. Sod's law is sure to mean that England will be 2-0 up against Brazil with ten minutes to go when the fucking thing hits.

KATE MOSS WILL NOT FACE COCAINE CHARGES DUE TO LACK OF EVIDENCE

Presumably she's snorted the whole lot by now.

EXHIBIT A

Kate Moss snorts cocaine.

EXHIBIT B

Kate Moss cuts cocaine.

HERO OR VILLAIN?

Until the age of 30 I hated cats. As a child our family had a cat, Jerry, but my dad ran him over pulling the car into the drive one day and grandad had to bury him in the garden.
After a spell of no cats, I always found it difficult to get attached to the buggers, moody, self-pleasing, and nowhere near as much fun as a dog.
But the cats I didn't like were cats I didn't really know.
Over the past ten years I have shared houses with two people that own cats, and both of the felines help me understand that cats don't love you, you have to love them. I like them now.
Anyway, I'm off subject.
This cat is Tee Cee. Interesting not only because he shares my initials, but because he is one of four cats nominated for "Hero Cat of the Year".
Apparently, Tee Cee can predict the complex epileptic fits of owner Michael Edmonds. When Tee Cee gets close and stares at Michael, a fit is on its way:
"We noticed that Tee Cee began staring at my step-father prior to a seizure and then ran to my mother to let her know all is not well, acting as an early warning system," says Michael's step-daughter Samantha Laidler, who nominated the cat for the award.
"Once assistance arrives," she added, "Tee Cee doesn't leave Michael's side until he regains consciousness and his warnings have proved invaluable to the family."
Now this is all very well, and obviously Tee Cee, who was dumped in a river as a kitten and then rescued, is seen as a real hero in Sheffield where he lives.
But let's just ponder this.
What if Michael is actually cured somehow of his terrible fits, and it's Tee Cee's evil stare that sets them off?