Britain's Local Shopkeepers: You're Shit, And You Know You Are

It's no surprise that TV companies have realised that even they could do a better job at running a local shop than most of Britain's shopkeepers.
The BBC have launched a shop-makeover show which explains the bleeding obvious to the fuckwits in charge of most of local retailing in Britain.
If there's one thing that gets me its people who use the local retailer as a victim of supermarket practices. The one thing the local retailer does not have to compete on is price, yet that's the only thing the supermarkets have got on them.
I've never run a store, but as a customer I know what I want from a local shop. Here's what I get:
* A grumpy cunt that looks at you as though you are a shoplifter and never smiles
* A store the size of a small room that manages to have in stock four different types of ''breakfasts in a can''.
* A store that stocks six different types of (only) white bread
* A store with out of date products in the fridge and rotting vegetables out the front
* Bulgarian wine and Thunderbird
* A store where the staffing ratio is ten times that of a supermarket, but half the stuff doesn't have prices on, and no one offers you help.
I could go on, and I'm sure you could too.
So anyway, in today's episode of Mind Your Own Business here's some of the mind boggling sophisticated ideas they came up with so that this northern tosspot with a shit shop finally had something he could call a going concern.
Even the people doing the show admitted they'd never run a shop, but in they came, and using some powerful retailing techniques they came up with these ideas. These people really are clever, look at what they came up with:
* Put a sign up
* Let people see fresh produce through the window
* If you have a deli counter put food in it
* If you have a deli counter with food in it, then don't hide it where nobody can see it
* If you have a fruit and veg rack put fruit and veg in it
* Buy local produce from local suppliers, edging in on the farmer's market boom, and providing customers with local loyalty
* Buy local produce from suppliers that can't supply the supermarkets. Yes it will be more expensive, but big up the local angle and the middle classes will lap it up.
* Bread and milk are popular, so it helps to have a range of both, and make sure it's fresh. These build loyalty and a regular customer base
* Make a point about quality. No one gives a shit about convenience, as supermarkets open late and many people have a car. If your quality is shit, people will get in the car. Specialise in one thing people buy a lot of, and they will start with your shop - then get what they can't find elsewhere.
* If you buy your stuff local, and even organic, you can push the green vote, and look like a nice bloke compared to those evil supermarkets.
Well, well, well. What a fucking incredible set of ideas they are. Actually some of those are mine, but the ones about the sign, freezer and local produce were on the show.
So anyway, this fuckwit comes back to his store:
''Putting a sign up so people know I'm here you say? It's crazy but it just might work...''
''Move the freezer so people can see in? And it lets some light into the store? You are truly a retailing messiah.''
Honestly.
If an industry needs a bunch of middle class twats from the bbc to tell them how to run themselves, they deserve to go bust, and fast.
Wankers.