EXPECT TO SEE A LOT MORE OF THIS TOSSER BEFORE THE CUTS BITE

The Junior Minister responsible for forwarding the idea of taking free nursery school milk away from UK under-5s has found himself at the centre of a classic government public relations sting, something that long-term political watchers will be familiar with.

While the Labour government infamously made a name for themselves by “burying” bad news behind major headlines, their “more, more, more” approach to public spending brought very little need for this kind of stunt, apart from when dealing with the Post Office unions (“Mandleson is going to privatise you! Agree to this shit pay rise and we’ll stop him!”).

There is of course the slim possibility that a Conservative minister, no matter how junior, in charge of education, had thought that the phrase “Thatcher, Thatcher, the milk snatcher” had lasted so long because this merited one of The Not Quite Walking Dead’s greatest achievements.

After all, their boss already claimed Jamie Oliver’s healthy school meals idea was a waste of time, something that anyone who has sent a child to state school in the last 15 years knows is an absolute and utter lie.

Meanwhile, He’s Just Like You Dave’s whole premise of the Big Society (aka B.S.), is that while he shares Thatcher’s crusade to destroy Big Government, the only reason that the country descended into a crime-ridden, ruthless dirty little shithole with pavements crowded with the homeless under her was that it didn’t have a thoroughly good bloke in charge telling everyone to calm down and be nice.

Thatcher at least knew that pretending to care about the people she destroyed would look like hypocrisy, and instead sent in the old bill to kick the shit out of them. HJLY Dave is banking on “the debt” to be a plausible argument for unravelling state provision while his seat-sniffing Liberal bed…, er, …wetters suck their thumbs and wait for the Alternative Vote.

Like a sleeping infant who’s drunk too much milk from the tit of mother Liberty, the Liberals believe that a better democracy will one day wipe these off-white sticky sick stains from the front of their parliamentary babygrows – just like that cuddly nanny they still remember fondly.

Which brings us neatly back to the question of scrapping milk for the under-5s. This was no more a plausible policy (if only in the name of political suicide) than this coalition agreeing to ban Page 3 girls.

Since the BBC journalist responsible for breaking this story received his copy from the Shadow Education Secretary, it is unlikely that it was ever intended that this proposal become part of Government policy.

Instead, like a mythical Superman saving us from a mythical asteroid that was never going to hit, up steps David Cameron to tell us that apparently this kind of thing just isn’t the sort of nasty shit that this Government has planned.

The message this stunt was quite obviously spelling out in capital letters was this:
WE ARE GOING TO DO LOADS OF CUNTY THINGS BUT WE ARE NOT THATCHER.

Of course, many of the cunty things they have planned are beyond Thatcher’s most nightmarish fantasy. But by this clever little press play, they have given the illusion that what is to come is bad, but not that bad.

Expect more unexpected scare stories near you – hospitals narrowly saved after U-turns, or the 66 broken schools who are now getting their buildings replaced after they were first told they wouldn’t.

Who knows, even the UK Film Council might get a reprisal. But let’s hope not.