Let me tell you how it will be, 19 for you and one for me, you're a rich man...

FOUR accountancy firms (stay asleep at the back) - delloites, kpmg, price waterhouse and ernst & young, earn millions out of making sure their rich clients don't pay for our schools and hospitals.
In total, tax avoidance in the uk totals £10 billion pounds.
One tax lawyer says that he saves his clients £3 million pounds per day alone. He said himself, ''I'm somewhere between a conman and a crook - and a magician."
Well at least he's almost right. There's nothing magical about a £10 billion hole in our finances every year though.
That's the thin line between a soft landing and a recession every year.
In the 70s tax avoidance was fairly honest - you moved to America and if you were famous enough they'd let you stay and pay 15%. But at least we didn't have to look at Mick Jagger, so it had its upside.
Then when city bonuses kicked in big style, in the 80s, the money sharks paid each other in gold, fine wine (by the cellar load) - any safe bet you could pay in kind and sell on in cash. Loophole after loophole came up and hence the better lawyer you've got, the more you saved in cash. Many of these were working class kids taking the piss thanks to middle class lawyers and accounts who knew their bonuses would grow if they hooked on like leeches to the nouveau rich who had hated tax because the papers said it took away their freedoms.
Roughly you saved all your 'tax' (about 25%), so you just paid 9 or 10% national insurance. On £2 million a year that saved you something like half a million quid.
Now look at some 21st Century tax avoidance: Philip Green, who paid his family in BHS share dividends owned by his wife who "lives" in Monaco. So the Greens earn a billion pounds out something (that certainly used to be) called British Home Stores, and neither of them pay a penny in tax on it, saving them £230 million.
Just that family alone.
It's not avoiding tax because no tax is due! It's that easy.
So for the price of 300 of those poxy tv campaigns paid with our taxes on tv about squealing up the painter and decorator in the pub that doesn't pay tax, why the fuck dont they do something about Philip Green Inc alone and save a quarter of a billion quid?
I mean, why don't they have a ''I dont care what you say, after a million quid, if it's got anything to do with you, and you spend most of your time here, you pay 30% tax and then we'll talk to your account/lawyer about the rest.''
Simple.
No grey areas - and probably 50 big new hospitals paid for while we're at it. National Lottery? Fuck off, let's tax this lot once and for all and pay for the stuff we need.
This lot would pay for ten times the lottery fund - every year.
It's a national disgrace. We should be naming and shaming these people in our newspapers!
This is a great campaign for us all to get behind - boycotts of tax dodgers so their shares fuck up and they have to pay themselves within the tax system like the rest of us!It's a perfect campaign because anyone who does pay tax is jealous of people who don't. But rather than squealing the painter and decorator whose made a sharp 100 quid avoidance this week, let's boycott BHS or any store that doesn't pay tax back to us, one way or another, through tax.
A bit like a co-op, except all we're asking is not that they share their profits, just that they pay the same rate of tax as their customers. Is that too much to expect?
A class national newspaper, name and shame, topless tax girls, buy-us-a-hospital banners, you-the-jury, the works, tax avoidance bingo. Whatever.
Except of course our newspapers won't do that.
They are owned mostly by those who do not pay tax in the uk.

It's odd. When I worked in a different place, and got promoted into "management", all this extra money in bonuses and shares would appear. Nothing like the stuff talked about above, but not only did my pay jump, but my benefits hit the roof.
I always wondered why it was not only such a well-kept secret (unlike the staff, management never talk about pay with each other unless they were really annoyed), but that why the tax bonuses involved in some of the schemes weren't offered to me when i was working just as hard but just not in ''management''.
And why my staff weren't offered them now.
It's a ridiculous, greedy, cliquey culture thats somehow turned the redistribution of wealth into a pathetic nasty cynical game.
Anyway, how much for cash?
Hurry up, these slightly dodgy DVDs won't be around forever...