Ten things to do when they play Hurt by Johnny Cash on the Breakfast Show

There you are, opening the morning's post and finishing off the toast, when XFM, having been playing songs with lyrics like ''ooh do you, do you do you want me?'' and ''not very pretty I tell thee'' go and finish off the breakfast show with ''Hurt'' by Johnny Cash.
Obviously the great country fella is long gone, but he knew what he was doing when he propped himself up from death's door to deliver that little ditty to the world.
However, I'm not sure if XFM's playlist is quite polished enough if they expect that to get you to work on a Tuesday morning.
Here's ten things, tried and tested by E.R. over ten arduous days, to do the next time you hear it...
1. Get naked from the waist down and run to the nearest figure of authority and shout: ''Here's MY empire of dirt, you can have it ALL!'' and then bend over.
2. Drink a bottle of your favourite spirit, neat.
3. Get out pictures of previous romances and tear them in half, sobbing, preferably, and ideally after drinking the bottle of spirit and everything else alcoholic nearby. (pictured)
4. Shout at the radio ''Take it easy grandpa, dying is for losers''
5. Think the Crash Test Dummies have got a bit better since last time you heard them.
6. Play a Leonard Cohen album to cheer yourself up.
7. Learn all the words to ''Hurt'' and then perform it at closing time in an almost empty quiet pub as loud as you can and then fall over.
8. Take someone very important to the Ivy restaurant where you have no way of paying the bill. Drink far too much wine during the meal, then drink half a bottle of their finest brandy. Demand the bill, and insist that you will pay. When the bill arrives, say you will pay with a song, start singing ''Hurt'' and slowly strip, finishing with the finale you've already tried at the bus stop in suggestion 1, above. Wait to see if anyone asks for the bill, then quietly leave.
9. Listen to Radio 4 instead. It's just as depressing.
10. Laugh uncontrollably all day, forgetting to blink.