FAT PEOPLE: EXPERTS TO BLAME

The mysterious cause of people getting fatter in the UK has been found by today's Times newspaper. For years people had thought that fat people, in general, ate more and exercised less.
But a new report in The Times today proves otherwise. "CHILDREN GROW FATTER AS EXPERTS DITHER,'' proclaimed the paper confidently in its front page lead.
Dithering experts across the world are now considering their position. ''Obviously if we'd known it was us, we would have tried to make our minds up a bit quicker,'' said some experts studying the movement sub-atomic particles at Cambridge. ''We had no idea that it was our indecision about movements in the 11th dimension of neutrons that were making children fat.''
Other experts were also concerned. ''I didn't know when I said I didn't know if it was a penalty or not that it would put another inch on those poor kids wastelines,'' said a shameful Andy Gray of Sky Sports.
Protests are expected by fat people outside anywhere where experts could be dithering inside. Making a placard with the slogan ''MAKE YOUR MIND UP - MY ARSE IS HUGE'', Danny 'the donut' Stalks told E.R. ''It's a bit annoying, and quite a lot of work, but at least I can still eat what I want.''
Liberals deciding on who should be their new leader were cleared of any blame about dithering, since they are not experts on anything, and unlikely to be the cause.