One Posh Twat, New Diet Coke With Cherry, Tortoises, Cancer, Rats and 16-Year-Old Voters

Plans to lower the voting age would have been welcomed by me until I saw that 16-year-old arsewipe from Oxford campaigning for a new vivisection laboratory in Oxford ''because they save lives.''
Before we all start to think that he might have a point, let's look at the amount of animal research that's gone into Aspartame, the sweetener used inside New Diet Coke With Cherry, launched on your telly this week with a couple of talking tortoises.
Rather surprisingly, considering the sweetener is in 6,000 diet products worldwide and is consumed by several hundred million people every day, and has been for 25 years, no study of its effects on your body over the long term have taken place.
The closest to this was an Italian study conducted on rats over three years (very long for rats), which concluded the following late last year:
Aspartame is a "multipotential carcinogen", causing a dose-related increase in leukaemias and lymphomas in female rats, and a dose-related increase in incidence of cancer and its precursors in the kidney (renal pelvis and ureter) as well as tumours in the peripheral nerves, in particular in cranial nerves. (source - Ramazzini Foundation, Italy). The results were peer-reviewed by experts in 7 different countries and found to be correct.
Well that's aspartame done for then. Isn't it? Isn't it?
Come on, they gave 1700 rats aspartame for 3 years and more of them got cancer than if they hadn't had it. You can't keep selling drinks and foods with ''diet'' and ''healthy choice'' written on them with this stuff in it, can you?
The rats spent all that time in a laboratory to save lives, didn't they spotty Oxford boy? Didn't they?
Oh no.
Aspartame's not banned. It's in New Diet Cola With Cherry! Tortoises are talking about it on the telly! It'll probably be sponsoring the World Cup! It's great!
You see, the problem with animal research is that most of it takes place not to save lives, but to make money.
There's no cash in banning Aspartame for anyone, particularly as it is used by the biggest players in the manufactured food industry.
Science being what it is, you can't definitively prove anything until it happens in real life. And that's what's happening here. They keep sending the figures back saying - ''ah but it's rats, not the same as humans.''
Of course, if the same level of evidence were produced to say Aspartame cured cancer, it wouldn't be in diet drinks. It would cost you £50 a pill on prescription, saving lives for governments that could afford it.
In the meantime, enjoy your New Diet Coke With Cherry. And give that obnoxious little teenage toff a smack, not the vote.