Look at this lot. I've no idea what they've been up to for the past two months since the baby was born. Probably had a row. That lamb's a bit bigger these days, they never did take it with them. Keeps shitting down the back of the telly, and thinks we won't notice. DAMN YOU TINY KNITTED LAMB!

ARE YOU SCARED OF BIRD FLU?

Chicken.

Tiny Babies Tortured By Scientists

''Scientists'' have been testing the effect of music on babies. So, what piece of music do you think they'd pick to make the little'uns happy when they are laying down?
Apparently, because music stimulates the hard-to-stimulate Reticular Activating Unit of the brain, it means you remember all the words because the tune stores the lyrics for you.
If you're oldish, you could try it with The Beatles ''When I'm 64''. If you say the lyrics, it's hard to remember them. If you sing it, in comes out in one go. I hate that song, it reminds me of school, but do it with any of the songs of your youth, and you'll see what I mean.
Anyway, back to the ''Scientists''.
These cunts, with the parents permission, have been playing music to babies to make 'em sleep and open their eyes and stuff. Imagine, this precious moment, of opening your eyes as a baby and recognizing your mother for the first time.
What a moment.
So what music do they accompany this moment to, and play to the tiny baby constantly through its formative first weeks?
Mozart?
Bit of opera?
I wouldnt want that, but I dunno, whatever your cup of tea... Louis Armstrong, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, even the Arctic Monkeys, anything, something that might be good...
Oh no.
It's GOLD by Spandau Fucking Ballet.
GOLD.
GOLD!
Cunts. Tony Hadley in your head til you die. Til you die! I know this much is true.

Shit Mobile Phone Dictionary Doctor#1

Mobile phone dictionaries? Don't get me started. Some twats do some research and decide which words should go in your predictive text. Which is why none of the words you want to use (ok, I know swear words aren't allowed) are in there. To help you text and rant with ease, here's an occasional series of words that will help.

Today's word: Berk

Root: Cockney rhyming slang for Berkshire Hunt, but its modern usage is less severe...

Examples: Noel Edmonds, Phil Collins.

Irrelevant-pointless-fuckwit-comment-of-the-day-that-everyone-thinks-is-a-good-idea

The south east of England is suffering its biggest drought for a century. Coincindental, what with global warming and all that, but apparently that's not the issue. Ministers and water company spokespeople have given out, so far, this piece of advice:

''People should turn the tap off in between the start and end of brushing their teeth. This would save 10 litres a day from every person in the country, which is 600 million litres a day.''

Yeah? Well here's a piece of advice for you. This water shortage isnt caused by the way people brush their teeth. Even the idiots that use car washes aren't actually to blame. Even the wankers that leave their hoses on all day. The reason the water is low is because the ozone layer's fucked. The EU and US have just signed a deal for more cheap cost air travel, the only untaxed fuel in the fucking world, to fuck it up even more. Where there used to be water there will be deserts, and where there are deserts there will be floods. Now just let me brush my fucking teeth how I like, and you go and do something useful for once. Cheerio!

Do freegans...?

Drink their own piss?
They certainly talk shit.

TIMMY!

Thank fuck for that. Tim Henman is no longer Britain's number one tennis player. Let's hope him and all those fucking stupid ageing middle class women that follow him fuck off once and for all.
How long has it been since that arse-wiping wanker became Britain's number one? I don't even like tennis, but boy do I hate HENMANIA. What does it mean? Let's examine the evidence...
BEATLEMANIA - Ah yes, that's right. Generally considered the greatest pop band ever. Sold a lot of records. Millions of fans worldwide going mental. Britain's biggest ever recording artists. Number One. John Lennon. Paul McCartney. Beatlemania seems pretty fair.
POTTERMANIA - Now, I think Harry Potter is crap, but it's sold a few billion copies worldwide so again, fair enough.
BECKHAMANIA - Well in Japan they made a statue of him out of chocolate. Seems pretty manic.
HENMANIA - Fist-clenching posh boy with yellow teeth that your mum wants you to bring home (er, unless you're a boy too) who has won fuck all. FUCK ALL. NOT ONE FUCKING THING. Now fuck off. And take those ugly childless women under the tent outside Wimbledon Tennis Club with you.

OCEAN'S 13?

They love saying it. ''Britain's biggest cash robbery''. For those of you who are not familiar with this story, a van containing £50 million of your English pounds was stolen this week.
The ''daring heist'' was ''masterminded'' by a gang of ''brilliant'' criminals who had pulled off possibly the ''robbery of the century''.
For those of you unlucky enough to be too poor to know what £50 million in bank notes looks like, if you piled it one (£50) note on top of each other it would tower 13 storeys high.
Though armed robbery is a bit naughty, we all agree that it beats working. But if you've read Scott B. Smith's A Simple Plan (or even seen the movie with Billy Bob Thornton) it's easy to understand that the best thing to do when you come into a lot of illegal cash is to lay low a while.
Don't turn up in a Rolls Royce to your council estate bedsit chucking £50 notes out the window with The Clash's ''I FOUGHT THE LAW'' blasting out the window.
Additionally the notes were stolen from Tonbridge in Kent. Years in the planning. Inside job. Masterminded. Daring. Sensational. Etc. Etc. Etc.
It took just 48 hours for a woman to walk into a London bank with £6,000 in brand new £50 notes with ''Tonbridge'' wrapped around them trying to open an account.
What a fucking twat.

Welcome to English Ranter. It's not just you. Everything IS shit.

When England plunged into civil war in the 17th Century, a radical group called the English Ranters were formed.

There was no authority they respected any more, and so they turned to their own logic for inspiration.

They believed that if God was inside nature and themselves, there could be no sin. They put swear words in their church hymns cos they thought it was big and clever. They got naked. As long as it involved having a good time, shouting, taking your clothes off and/or didn't hurt anyone, they did whatever the fuck they liked.

The only real evidence that the ranters existed at all comes from writings by conservatives at the time about how terrible they were. This has led some historians to believe that they were mythical bogey men, invented by those wanting to bring Britain out of anarchy and restore order.

But ranters were very real. They had seen their monarchy become a laughing stock. The church only wanted their money. Cromwell's New Model Army was a democratic walking slaughter house and it was running the government and murdering innocents at home and abroad.

Sound familiar?

The ranters didn't want to fight, they wanted to have a good time. The only thing they owned to have fun with were their minds and bodies. They didnt give a shit what people thought of them, primarily drinking and shouting to be heard amidst the medieval chaos, and to wipe out the madness around them.

They were drunken Libertines formed of working class Londoners who knew the world was mad as hell, and they just couldn't take it anymore.

Welcome to the English Ranter. 350 years old and counting. Reborn on the web in 2006.