Saturday, March 11, 2006


Is it just me or does he look like Hannibal Lector?
Apparently Churchill's bouts of depression were so bad they had to strap him into a straitjacket now and again. Give that man a cigar.
Well, when he's calmed down. And you've undone his straps.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Why is that posh twat Ben Fogle on BBC TV all the time?

The only reason they make sure he does animal shows is so he doesn't have the lowest IQ on the screen. Although that's debatable when he's with monkeys. Or squirrels.


There are more than 90,000 children in the UK who are known to suffer from depression.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. (Especially if your name is Mike Hunt)

A new website to give people with stupid names the opportunity to humiliate their parents is about to launch.
Owner of the new site, which has yet to ''go live'' is Dick Upright. Dick, from Upper Pratts Bottom in Kent, is like any other stupid-named person, and had parents that insisted the shortened version be used of his first name at all times, including on his birth certificate.
He told E.R. ''It's time to get even. I'm as bitter as hell.'' E.R. has had an exclusive preview of the site, which features hi-tech revenge zones. Members can post webcams of their parents having sex, embarassing photographs, make accusations of child abuse, and generally slag them off about whatever comes to mind.
Features on the launch edition include ''Why did you have to call me Barry More?'' by Barry More, ''I suppose you think being called Mike Hunt is funny?'' by Mike Hunt, and an employment section including ''Make Your Stupid Name Pay'' by Ben Dover.
The site, with domain name
is expected to launch in the Spring.


Shopkeepers, bus drivers, children's entertainers, nannies and drug dealers were today celebrating the news that under-11s will now be able to travel free on the tube all day.
"If it means they'll spend less time in my shop nicking stuff, then hallelujah!" said an unusually evangelic shop-owner near a local school in Acton.
"And they won't be on my fucking bus smoking weed any more if they can go underground," said Red ''The Bus'' Busman, London's most famous bus driver, who, conveniently, was buying his weekly selection of porn magazines in the shop at the time.
Some Londoners thought maybe it was an opportunity to solve the growing problem of child care in the capital. Banging Bonzo, the noisy clown, told E.R. ''It's a great opportunity. If we have under-11 carriages set aside, then traditional entertainers like me could keep the kids happy with our ker-razy antics. I burst balloons.''
Others expecting to profit from the move include nannies who can drop the kid off on the circle line and pick them up 6 hours later after a day in a local spa or drinking vodka.
Weed dealers were mixed about the move, as many were too paranoid to go underground.
But sweet machines on platforms were being double-stocked to ensure the underground did its bit to rot teeth and make the kids fat, as well as to satisfy munchies from a cheeky spliff with their mates on the hammersmith and city line after school.
The numbers of children is expected to reach a peak during that difficult after-school-but-before-you-get-a-bollocking-from-your-mum period, roughtly 3-30pm until 9.30pm.
The move is intended to encourage families to travel by tube. Families have been the last to return to the underground since the terror offences last summer.


I knew that headline wouldn't work for very long. Oh well. Look up above the google search box, it's there.
Subscribe to E.R. today! We have teamed up with the free-est thing on the web. Blogarithm means you never have to miss a rant. Come on, you know they're pissing in your boots. Let E.R. tell you why it's really raining...


E.R. today found a shocking letter telling the truth about Guantanamo Bay - from one of the inmates kept there by the US Government. Inmates have been held for over four years.
Yesterday, 250 senior medical experts from around the world signed and published a letter in The Lancet, demanding that whatever the prisoners had done, their basic human right to refuse food should be upheld by the US Government.
They condemned the doctors carrying out the force feeding of breaking medical ethics.
Inmates on hunger strike have been constrained and been forced-fed food via tubes shoved up their noses. No inmate has been charged with any crime, or is held under any legal international law.
Quite obviously, it's a fake. They've spelt Guantanamo wrong, and they don't mention anything about the tubes up their noses. We're no mugs.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


Why didn't he give us any?
Is that why Henman has been so shit all these years?

I'm dreaming of a white christmas

I bet you are mate. A report predicts 90% less snow in the UK this century than the last, because of global warming. Dream on.

Blah blah Energy blah blah Gas blah blah Oil blah blah World War 3

The current Iranian nuclear power dispute is the start of a new world order based around energy - and we're on the wrong side of the fence.
In the olden days, after World War 2, it was fairly easy to work out who was on what side.
There were communists and religious states who didn't want the societies of greed of the western world pissing on their well-controlled parade. And there was the west, who didn't really give a shit as long as they had a wall, nuclear weapons, and a load of cash to do what they liked funding tin-pot capitalist slave trades to make the stuff they didn't need.
Things have changed.
None of the politics of the 20th Century work any more, because none of them take into account a distribution of resources that are going to run out. Energy. In our lifetime. In the next 50 years. Gone.
Gas price increases of over 25% and £5 a gallon fuel are just the start. This year the UK became energy-negative, and things are only getting worse. The same is true of America and Europe.
The major energy-positive holding states are the Middle East, Russia and China.
Russia and China have been getting friendlier over recent years. China is growing, and Russia's cheap gas supply is a neat way of powering it. China's communist sweatshops are busy making crap for the westb(ironically primarily energy inefficient goods) which is being spent buying up most of the energy it can find.
Russia have always been aware of the energy strength of the middle east - that's why they got involved in Afghanistan back in the day, and have reasonably chummy relations with Iran.
It's no surprise then that it's China and Russia that are keeping a lid on the fuss about Iran making nuclear power. Iran's fundamentalist and agressive stance against Israel makes the West nervous about exactly what the nuclear stuff going into Iran will be used for.
But apart from the undemocratic monarchy of Saudi Arabia and of course the west-imposed state of Israel, the other middle east states prefer doing business with Russia and China because they don't see those countries wanting to impose a new way of life on them.
Which of course is why Bush is in Iraq, trying to set up a US stronghold right on Iran's doorstep, and trying to spread a culture of greed and secure one of the world's biggest oil supplies, before it's too late.
But if Bush's plans for Iraq backfire, which let's face it is likely, then not only will Iraq become anti-American again, but it will also have a common enemy with Iran which is likely to ease the friction they have with each other.
Consequently, with Russia owning all the gas, the Middle East owning all the oil, and our Western world's economies growing at a fifth of the pace of the economies of China, Russia and India (all grew by 15% plus last year), the energy we need simply won't be coming our way.
One solution is a return to nuclear power, which as a recent SDC report pointed out, would make prime terrorist targets and fuck up the world.
Another is the destruction of our energy-hungry societies and turn them into self-sufficient self-sustaining communities.
But self sufficient communities have one big problem - there's no room for capitalism.
So Bush and those that follow him will turn the argument into something else. Into freedom. Into anti-Islamic crusades. Into our ''right'' to share in the energy of the world.
That will mean an end to friendships with states like Saudi Arabia, since ultimately they need a strict Islamic state to hold their unelected societies together.
And then, here in the west, with no energy and no religion, cars abandoned on the streets, you'll have only one choice to make.
Whether it's all worth fighting for or not.



London Mayor Ken Livingstone today thanked English Ranter for its support against a bunch of unelected officials chucking our Mayor out of office for a month.
Mr Livingstone, who insulted a jewish journalist by comparing him to a Nazi guard, is to fight the ruling in court. Click this post's header the current position.
You can send your messages of support for democracy rather than bureaucracy with the link in the friends list on the right.

Why is it always yoghurt?

If you're a man, there's one food you don't want to get down your trousers - yoghurt.
Which is why, when I dropped one bag of shopping in Sainsburys today, in the split second before it hit the ground, a glimpse of the horror that was to 'come' was already in my mind.
Yoghurt, not in your single portion pot, but in the 500ml pure white organic bio bastard pot, was about to hit the floor from about four feet. I dipped to my knees instinctively, rather than what I should have done, which is run. The plastic yoghurt pot crumpled under the force, exploding upwards over my arms, jacket, and yes, of course, the trousers.
I think it might have sounded quite loud as it exploded, as a woman from customer services came rushing over with tissues.
I looked like a man who had just finished the night shift in mr spunk's spunky spunk factory.
After mopping myself down they let me replace all the yoghurt-smothered shopping, and indeed the pesky pot iself.
I made sure I carried them home carefully, feeling slightly flustered, like an embarassed teenager with pockets full of greasy tissues.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Er, hasn't the UK been eating it for the last 7?


They've had a 100% success rate. They just haven't shot anyone guilty of anything yet.


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Tessa Jowell today ruled out the suggestion that Jeffrey Archer might make a suitable new partner for the government Culture Minister, who publicly separated from some lawyer bloke with a lot of cash in offshore investment funds, interest from an Italian corruption inquiry, very successful brewery shares, and mortgage payments that go up and down like a yoyo.
"Apparently he's still married to Mary," she might have said, thoughtfully.


But don't worry, Whitehall has issued a statement saying that kind of thing doesn't happen any more. And if it does, it'll be 25 years until we find out.

999 TIME WASTERS PLEAD INNOCENCE - so police give them another number to remember instead

Time wasters who call emergency numbers for trivial matters hit back today as police launched a new ''not quite an emergency line'' - 101.
Police said that they were by bombarded by calls which weren't right for 999, and some which really weren't really important at all, and everyone should try and remember some other numbers when they are in a spot of trouble.
Real time-wasters heard on TV news coverage of the story today included one person who wanted to know what time the last train home from Margate Station, and another wanted what it sounded like change of a £20 note.
But the time wasters have insisted the 999 telephone lady who answered didn't let them finish the question.
"If she'd let me finish, I was going to say what time is the last train, because if Idon't catch it then my mum is going to kill me," said one. Sounds pretty bad, E.R. has to agree.
Another said "If I didn't get change of a £20 note for the meter I was going to murder someone". Again, maybe they have a point.
In future, dumbwits who used to dial 999 are now meant to dial 101.
But, like, if they are not meant to call 999 now but do when they need a train time, what difference is another number going to make?


Surely they haven't been making cheaper programmes then have they?

POLICE DEFEND SHOOT TO KILL POLICY - machetes and clubs ruled out as ''too messy''

Britain's Local Shopkeepers: You're Shit, And You Know You Are

It's no surprise that TV companies have realised that even they could do a better job at running a local shop than most of Britain's shopkeepers.
The BBC have launched a shop-makeover show which explains the bleeding obvious to the fuckwits in charge of most of local retailing in Britain.
If there's one thing that gets me its people who use the local retailer as a victim of supermarket practices. The one thing the local retailer does not have to compete on is price, yet that's the only thing the supermarkets have got on them.
I've never run a store, but as a customer I know what I want from a local shop. Here's what I get:
* A grumpy cunt that looks at you as though you are a shoplifter and never smiles
* A store the size of a small room that manages to have in stock four different types of ''breakfasts in a can''.
* A store that stocks six different types of (only) white bread
* A store with out of date products in the fridge and rotting vegetables out the front
* Bulgarian wine and Thunderbird
* A store where the staffing ratio is ten times that of a supermarket, but half the stuff doesn't have prices on, and no one offers you help.
I could go on, and I'm sure you could too.
So anyway, in today's episode of Mind Your Own Business here's some of the mind boggling sophisticated ideas they came up with so that this northern tosspot with a shit shop finally had something he could call a going concern.
Even the people doing the show admitted they'd never run a shop, but in they came, and using some powerful retailing techniques they came up with these ideas. These people really are clever, look at what they came up with:
* Put a sign up
* Let people see fresh produce through the window
* If you have a deli counter put food in it
* If you have a deli counter with food in it, then don't hide it where nobody can see it
* If you have a fruit and veg rack put fruit and veg in it
* Buy local produce from local suppliers, edging in on the farmer's market boom, and providing customers with local loyalty
* Buy local produce from suppliers that can't supply the supermarkets. Yes it will be more expensive, but big up the local angle and the middle classes will lap it up.
* Bread and milk are popular, so it helps to have a range of both, and make sure it's fresh. These build loyalty and a regular customer base
* Make a point about quality. No one gives a shit about convenience, as supermarkets open late and many people have a car. If your quality is shit, people will get in the car. Specialise in one thing people buy a lot of, and they will start with your shop - then get what they can't find elsewhere.
* If you buy your stuff local, and even organic, you can push the green vote, and look like a nice bloke compared to those evil supermarkets.
Well, well, well. What a fucking incredible set of ideas they are. Actually some of those are mine, but the ones about the sign, freezer and local produce were on the show.
So anyway, this fuckwit comes back to his store:
''Putting a sign up so people know I'm here you say? It's crazy but it just might work...''
''Move the freezer so people can see in? And it lets some light into the store? You are truly a retailing messiah.''
If an industry needs a bunch of middle class twats from the bbc to tell them how to run themselves, they deserve to go bust, and fast.


So just so we don't get carried away, click the post header (try and come back) to see figures of American dead and non military casualties provided by the US Government. Looks like it's going fine then....hmmm.


It's shit.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

How are babies made, dad?

Yer mother took me to court, son.

Fuck knows where this lot are from...

They've got the right idea though. Almost.

I wanna make it clear I don't think flying planes into buildings is a good idea...

But the case against Zacarias Moussaoui is pretty weak. I thought this guy was a player, was in on the plot of 9/11, caught on the way to join in the terrible events of that day.
From the opening statements, he's al-Qaeda alright, but he's not a 9/11 terrorist by all accounts, even from the prosecution.
He was stopped by police because he had learnt to fly planes and been trained with the terrorists that blew up the World Trade Centre. But he didn't do it. He wasn't there. He was arrested a whole month before 9/11 even happened, and was in jail on the day of the attack.
I mean we're not talking an episode of 24 here with him tied up sweating and Jack Bauer asking him to tell them about the attacks. He was just dodgy, in al-Qaeda, so they locked him up.
The prosecution say because he didn't tell them he was a funded al-Qaeda terrorist, the country wasn't on red alert still (a whole month later), and therefore he's to blame for the attack.
It's gonna take a day in court to read out the names of all the victims. There are calls for his death penalty.
I mean the bloke is obviously gonna go down. They're going to lay everything on him so they have someone to blame.
I just thought he was important.
And he's not.

The weird thing about that Brazilian bloke the cops shot on the tube...

July 22 is the day after my birthday. Last year I woke up with a terrible hangover, and as I'd already handed in my notice I wasn't in any mood to make a great effort to get to work.
Instead, I sat in front of the telly with Sky News on, playing poker on my laptop.
A much better day's work.
Things were still a bit jittery after the attacks on July 7 and attempted attacks on the 21, which had kind of put a damper on my birthday drinks the night before. It was about 11am,July 22, when news that a man had been shot by British police at Stockwell station. The reports were in a terrorist context, such was the nervousness of London back then.
Sky News being what it is, they already had someone at the scene collecting eye witness accounts, and I swear, I swear I can remember someone being interviewed who was on the carriage that electrician Jean Charles de Menezes had joined, when he was then shot by the police.
The eye witness was in a fair bit of shock, but said that police had boarded the carriage at speed, closed in on Mr Menezes with more than one gun drawn, and then shot him four or five times from close range. They said he had no backpack or bulky jacket.
It was odd because I never saw that clip again. The police let the rumour of him being a terrorist run and run, and we kind of all felt relieved as if they'd got someone with a tube bomb again.
But then, gradually, as the family of Jean Charles continued to press that there was no way Jean Charles could be a terrorist, the truth came out.
I'm not trying to make a big point about his death. I don't like armed police, I hate being greeted by them at stations these days, but if I was an armed policeman on that day, I think it must have been really difficult.
It's just that interview.
I always wondered where it went. Why didn't this fresh eye witness interview set the news agenda as to what had happened that day?
How did the police story, about him jumping the barrier, having a bulky jacket (both lies), and him running from them up the platform (at best he ran to an empty carriage), how did that story become the truth so quickly?
The truth is still what the Brazillian President wants from Tony Blair in his three-day visit to Britain this week.
The truth shows Jean Charles was just an ordinary bloke, even if as a Brazillian he was just a shade too dark for the officers to keep their cool.
But that eyewitness. Where did they go? It's really odd.

Tiny E.R. post box picture saves blogger with no html skills from madness

Ok I can publish daily with this tiny E.R. pic now, so normal ranting will be resumed soon. Thank you for not noticing.


This fucking blog won't update unless I publish a sodding picture...
Nice flower though. I took the pic.
There, I've said it. Posted by Picasa

Monday, March 06, 2006


Proving that E.R. advertising really works, our first pair of MOM jeans turned up on national TV just three days after being advertised on this blog.
Lisa was the lucky contestant on Monday's edition of Channel 4's Deal Or No Deal, which those of you with n.f.w. (no fixed wage) will be famiar with.
Lovely Lisa, who is married with no children, had a difficult game with box number 1. She dealt one hand too soon but still managed to beat the banker and went home with £20k for a box containing just £1. Well done Lisa.
To see the original advert for MOM jeans, see Friday's blog, or insert ''MOM Jeans'' into the search engine at the top of the page. Posted by Picasa

Two camp pop stars, 25,000 innocent children, dna evidence and the police

From 2008 ID cards with digital facial and retina recognition will be compulsory for anyone who wants to own a UK passport to prove they are a British citizen.
The government may add functions to the card, including its used for the claim of benefits, access to public buildings or travel on public transport such as the underground.
New CCTV cameras give an output sophisticated enough to enable the digital scanning of the faces and sometimes retinas of those it views.
It's estimated that there is one CCTV camera for every 14 people in the UK, and more are on the way. Police have begun monitoring communities using ''Mobile Surveillance Units'', which carry CCTV cameras designed to complement fixed cameras already in place.
New anti-terror legislation means UK citizens can be held by police without charge, and keep the dna and a photograph of anyone they arrest, even if found they are simply wrongly arrested or found innocent.
There is no process to allow the removal of criminal dna or picture records of innocent adults or children. The database currently has records on 25,000 children arrested but never charged. It is estmated the database will reach almost 5 million people by 2008.
Bit embarassing the Pet Shop Boys are on board, but don't let it put you off.
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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Is that thing about non pic posts publishing in Sunday's blog been fixed yet?

No, it hasn't.

People You Wouldn't Think I've Met, But I Have#2

Mr Blobby.


Plans to include biometric (face recognition) information on new passports have been delayed. In a random test of government ministers, experts found that Tessa Jowell's nose has grown two inches in the past week.

Ironic ID Cards Joke

The Russians replaced David Blunkett's retinas with spy cameras years ago.

Moderate government, moderate measures

The use of CCTV cameras and the information they contain is moderated by government privacy legislation.
Crime prevention however is planned primarily by local police and local government. Local councils usually have a committee of councillors that make recommendations to the police about the use and positioning of CCTV cameras in the wards they represent.
Britain currently has 15 local councillors that represent the BNP, six in Burnley alone.


If you left the house today, you've probably been photographed by the police. The UK has over 20% of all the world's CCTV cameras, though less than one in ten of these is owned by private corporations.

Why don't you do something nice with your hair for a change and dress a bit better?

The average UK resident is photographed 320 times a day by CCTV cameras. Even when they look shit.


Fairies. The lot of them. Third toadstool on left, near the Clock End.
Tessa Jowell: ''Didn't know'' her mortgage had been paid off
Tessa Jowell: ''Didn't know'' her husband bought brewery shares and profited 80% while she decided favourable opening hours
Tessa Jowell: ''Didn't know'' the extent of her husband's relationship with media owning right wing Italian president while she legislates over the media
Tessa Jowell: ''Didn't know'' why she was remortgaging her house when her husband had just been given $600,000
Tessa Jowell: Minister for Women. ''Didn't know'' if she was paying her own mortgage
And other true stories...
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-------MY COPY IS YOUR RIGHT E.R. 2006------- 

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