OCEAN'S 13: POLICE HAND OVER THE CASH

After charging several people they believe were involved in the theft of £53 million in cash, police today handed over all the money they've found in vans and lock-ups while investigating the case.

DOGS' BOLLOCKS

News that the US Government puts its sniffer dogs in 5-star hotel rooms when their Presidential nincompoop is on his travels is maybe not that surprising.
But to find that hotel staff were ordered to ''address the dog by rank'' (I'm not joking) really take the scooby snack.
In another piece of fascist bullshit you wouldn't get away with in fiction, the dogs in the US K-9 unit (I'm still not joking) not only get top-drawer hotel accomodation, but also are ranked as per other military personnel.
They include serjeant major, as well as 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th lieutenant.
''We were told to be careful when addressing the animal and not call it a dog,'' (I'm still not joking), said a member of hotel staff.
This perverse fucked-up self-obsessed power-crazed behaviour is more akin to the kind you hear carried out by insane Bond-villains, fascists and tin-pot dictators.
If we'd heard this about the likes of Hitler, Mussolini, Amin or Mugabe, it would be used to highlight how out of touch the insane nutcase in charge of it all had become.
Er, so I'm using it to highlight how out of touch the insane nutcase in charge of it all had become.
Thanks. Click the post title for the BBC story...

WAR IN IRAQ - ''GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT'': - Blair

He's really fucking lost it.

LAWYERS BLAME ''NUDGE, NUDGE'' CULTURE OF INTERNET BLOGGERS FOR NAMING OF SOCCER STAR ASHLEY COLE

I bet they did.
Eh?
Eh?
;-)
;-)

SEAL BITES PEOPLE'S PRINCESS LADY HEATHER MILLS MCCARTNEY - AND IS THEN VERY RUDE INDEED

Lady Heather Mills McCartney, that boring shite-on-a-stick, was bitten today by a Canadian seal. The seal had a good go at piercing Lady Heather's orange jacket.
Sir Paul McCartney, dressed in an identical orange jacket, looked on in horror, but himself remained unbitten.
The seal was later heard to mutter ''See you at the Harrods winter sale, you self-publicising pair of pricks'' before being beaten over the head and skinned alive.
No puns were used in the making of this post.

GLITTER IS LOCKED UP FOR THREE YEARS - Share the moment forever

Those celebrating the incarceration of Paul Gadd, aka Gary Glitter, were today treated to the chance of owning a very stylish piece of showbiz pedo history.
The limited edition doll stands 9 inches high and shows a very realistic Glitter, captured in resin at the precise moment he heard he would spend 3 years in a Vietnamese jail.
Fans are asked to get their orders in quickly, as supplies are limited, and demand is expected to be 'high'.

E.R. Reader Offer: Click here for MOM jeans

After being encouraged by earning eight cents in advertising revenue this week, E.R. was keen to push its commercial ventures further, and has negotiated this special offer exclusively for E.R. readers.

OFFICIAL: BRITISH TAX PAYERS FOUND WANKING IN BAGHDAD HIGH STREET

Sorry, that's a typo... it should say ''fund'' wanking.
British Foreign office officials this week found out that two satellite phones of theirs lost in Baghdad were being used to set up a one-stop wank line shop in downtown Baghdad.
The bills for the phones, lost for 17 months without anyone noticing, have reached £594,000.
With international call charges maybe £3 a minute, and the average wank lasting 10 minutes, this means that the British taxpayer has so far funded close to 20,000 acts of masturbation in the Iraq capital.

OFFICIAL: ONE IN EIGHT US SOLDIERS RETURN FROM IRAQ MENTAL

No figures available for how many were nutcases before they left.

BIRDS THROWN OUT ON THE STREET AND TOLD NOT TO COME BACK. EVER.

''Who's a pretty boy then, achoo!''
If you do hear this on the way to work, your luck probably isn't in.
Instead you've probably been chatted up by one of the thousands of once-caged birds that will be liberated by their owners - because they are scared of catching bird flu.
Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary has collected 12 budgies, cockatiels and lovebirds in the past week, and hundreds more are expected when the avian flu hits UK soil.
I can't decide whether it's pathetic that the owners are chucking them out, or pleased the birds get to see a bit of action rather than have to watch Countdown and Deal or No Deal and bang their head against a mirror every day. Probably bit colder at night than they are used to.
If you look carefully in the picture above, you'll spot one in the trees of south east London near E.R.

CROWDS BRAVE WEATHER TO CELEBRATE ELECTION OF NEW LIBERAL LEADER

Britain. Jubilant.

NEWS JUST IN OF NEXT THING TO BE FUCKED UP - THE SKY

Scientists have confirmed that ground based telescopes will be useless within 50 years due to the amount of pollution in the atmosphere. Dark.
Click the post's title for details.

MARDY GRAS

The phrase ''pissing in our boots and telling us it's raining'' was made for it. New Orleans found out yesterday that its country's president had been told that their city was about to be washed off the face of the earth by Hurricane Katrina - and did nothing about it.
While Mr Bush successfully (sic) mobilised 120,000 troops into battle half way around the world with no reliable evidence for his actions, he didn't manage to send one bean to New Orleans when proof of an incoming disaster was being shown to him on a live satellite link.
The amazing tv footage of Mr Bush's blank disregard for what anyone was telling him showed a man with his mind on a 4pm donut break rather than New Orleans plight.
But Bush's ultimate boot-pissing moment came later when he then denied to the nation he'd been told how bad the storm would be, when he was being criticized for lack of action.
Today, as the hangovers from the city's successful but bitter Mardi Gras wear off, you can't help thinking that its residents will see that footage sober for the first time, take a sip of their coffee, and think: ''what a complete cunt.''

LIBERAL LEADERSHIP RESULT - a guide for people who don't really care

Old man with a first name you can't pronounce wins, smarmy bloke you had never heard of second, bloke who said he wasn't bisexual but was, third. Bloke who had to resign because he was a drunk, now sober.

The real price of a new stadium

Sad days for an Arsenal fan, in more ways than one. First, we have a new stadium named after a country which flogs and deports women who become pregnant out of marriage. Thank you Arab Emirates.
Next, Arsenal have also announced that they will be promoting, er, Israel as a holiday destination next year, on boards around the Emirates stadium and with players.
Politically Israel and the Emirates do not have any diplomatic relations, and very little in common bar a whole load of human rights abuses... but I guess they will now, come sponsors day at the North London club.
Added to that, this morning I get a letter from the club (mail shot) with Kenny Sansom's face on it one side, Jose Antonio Reyes the other, trying to sell me a fucking golf villa in Spain.
I feel dirty.

FUCK IT'S COLD

Who said we couldn't all agree on something?

CRUEL JIBES FROM SOUTH AMERICAN SOCCER FANS 'DEALT WITH' BY POLICE

England players were pleased about their last gasp victory at Anfield last night - but disappointed by the attitude of some of the visiting fans.
''It obviously it referred to the allegations in the News of the World, but we still thought it was a bit strong for fans at an international'', said one of the players.
''I thought it was because Darren Bent was playing,'' chipped in a grinning Wayne Rooney, unhelpfully.
Police told E.R.: ''We dealt with the situation as quickly as we could. The U-R-GAY banners were quickly taken away and destroyed, and when the 'supporters' holding them or scarves with the offending message were found, we gave them a good kicking.''
Thank you, officer.
Uraguay lost 2-1.

COMPULSORY WATER METERS FOR THE UK - FREEGANS FIGHT BACK

Twats.

More sex and dancing, less smiling...

Now that cocaine use has reached saturation point, with figures today showing 1.2 million users in the UK, it's almost certainly not cool anymore.
Unusually for Britain, we're behind Methamphetamine growth worldwide, dubbed the 'sex and dancing' drug, but it's on its way.
For those keen to move onto something different, here's the lowdown:
Known commonly as Crystal Meth, basically it's super speed. Invented in Japan in the early part of the last century, the drug was used as a stimulant by the Nazis and allies in World War 2 and given to soldiers on both sides, particularly on the Western front.
Its next big use was in the 60s and 70s, when it was prescribed as a slimming drug to millions, including my dad.
It went ''recreational'' in the 80s, with San Diego being dubbed the home of the drug at the time.
The quickest way of getting high from it are, starting with the most effective, smoking, injecting, sticking it up your arse, snorting, swallowing.
It's a Class B drug, but moves to a Class A if it's made suitable for injection.
The downsides are fairly typical - addiction, come downs, paranoia, loss of appetite, acting like a twat, thinking you are interesting, hallucinations, fatigue, depression, suicide.
It can wear out your nose from snorting too, but nowhere near as much as charlie.
Other names for it are: Glass, Ice, P, Tina, Tik.
However, beautiful people thinking of switching from coke should note Crystal Meth's most famous side effect....
Click the title of this post, to see what I mean.

QUICK THINKING KENT POLICE SET UP ROAD BLOCKS TO CATCH OCEANS 13

EIGHT DAYS after robbers stole £53 million in cash, police have set up roadblocks in the area to try and catch the gang. That should do it.

Is it just me or...

...does the website on this link look like someone very angry made it?

GOTCHA!: LAST PLACE IN THE UK NOT BEING WATCHED BY CCTV CAMERAS... (We set up webcam to keep an eye on it)

Tiny place. Unusual trees, too.

KFC ''FLU BURGER'' IDEA REJECTED

It seemed like a great way for them to come out fighting at first, but then I thought it might put people off buying it, so I'm not going to suggest it.
They'd only get annoyed.
Since bird flu was found on French soil, poultry sales have dropped 30%. It's expected the same will happen here.

People You Wouldn't Think I've Met, But I Have #1

Chaka Demus and Pliers.
1993.

BIRD FLU: NOW IT'S GOT TO THE EGGS

An egg. Yesterday.

FAT PEOPLE: EXPERTS TO BLAME

The mysterious cause of people getting fatter in the UK has been found by today's Times newspaper. For years people had thought that fat people, in general, ate more and exercised less.
But a new report in The Times today proves otherwise. "CHILDREN GROW FATTER AS EXPERTS DITHER,'' proclaimed the paper confidently in its front page lead.
Dithering experts across the world are now considering their position. ''Obviously if we'd known it was us, we would have tried to make our minds up a bit quicker,'' said some experts studying the movement sub-atomic particles at Cambridge. ''We had no idea that it was our indecision about movements in the 11th dimension of neutrons that were making children fat.''
Other experts were also concerned. ''I didn't know when I said I didn't know if it was a penalty or not that it would put another inch on those poor kids wastelines,'' said a shameful Andy Gray of Sky Sports.
Protests are expected by fat people outside anywhere where experts could be dithering inside. Making a placard with the slogan ''MAKE YOUR MIND UP - MY ARSE IS HUGE'', Danny 'the donut' Stalks told E.R. ''It's a bit annoying, and quite a lot of work, but at least I can still eat what I want.''
Liberals deciding on who should be their new leader were cleared of any blame about dithering, since they are not experts on anything, and unlikely to be the cause.

Sex, lies, and delia's pancakes

I lied about the sex, but not the lies. Or the pancakes. So two out of three ain't bad. If you click the link above, you'll get Delia's recipe for traditional pancakes. It's not all about politics and swearing you know.
Tomorrow:
How to knit tiny lambs.

One Posh Twat, New Diet Coke With Cherry, Tortoises, Cancer, Rats and 16-Year-Old Voters

Plans to lower the voting age would have been welcomed by me until I saw that 16-year-old arsewipe from Oxford campaigning for a new vivisection laboratory in Oxford ''because they save lives.''
Before we all start to think that he might have a point, let's look at the amount of animal research that's gone into Aspartame, the sweetener used inside New Diet Coke With Cherry, launched on your telly this week with a couple of talking tortoises.
Rather surprisingly, considering the sweetener is in 6,000 diet products worldwide and is consumed by several hundred million people every day, and has been for 25 years, no study of its effects on your body over the long term have taken place.
The closest to this was an Italian study conducted on rats over three years (very long for rats), which concluded the following late last year:
Aspartame is a "multipotential carcinogen", causing a dose-related increase in leukaemias and lymphomas in female rats, and a dose-related increase in incidence of cancer and its precursors in the kidney (renal pelvis and ureter) as well as tumours in the peripheral nerves, in particular in cranial nerves. (source - Ramazzini Foundation, Italy). The results were peer-reviewed by experts in 7 different countries and found to be correct.
Well that's aspartame done for then. Isn't it? Isn't it?
Come on, they gave 1700 rats aspartame for 3 years and more of them got cancer than if they hadn't had it. You can't keep selling drinks and foods with ''diet'' and ''healthy choice'' written on them with this stuff in it, can you?
The rats spent all that time in a laboratory to save lives, didn't they spotty Oxford boy? Didn't they?
Oh no.
Aspartame's not banned. It's in New Diet Cola With Cherry! Tortoises are talking about it on the telly! It'll probably be sponsoring the World Cup! It's great!
You see, the problem with animal research is that most of it takes place not to save lives, but to make money.
There's no cash in banning Aspartame for anyone, particularly as it is used by the biggest players in the manufactured food industry.
Science being what it is, you can't definitively prove anything until it happens in real life. And that's what's happening here. They keep sending the figures back saying - ''ah but it's rats, not the same as humans.''
Of course, if the same level of evidence were produced to say Aspartame cured cancer, it wouldn't be in diet drinks. It would cost you £50 a pill on prescription, saving lives for governments that could afford it.
In the meantime, enjoy your New Diet Coke With Cherry. And give that obnoxious little teenage toff a smack, not the vote.

THE DA VINCI CODE: VERDICT JUST IN...

It's shit.

ONE BRITON MISSING IN ECUADOR...200,000 IN THE UK

The worrying story of a young British traveller who hasn't emailed for a bit has sent three British police officers rushing off and catching a plane to Ecuador, 'to go and have a look'.
With 200,000 British people going missing each year without leaving the country, it's good to see that the police haven't used this unfortunate incident to have a free holiday in the middle of winter.
Undoubtedly their expertise and knowledge of Ecuador's 283,000 square kilometres and 12 million people will be extremely useful. With this kind of staffing ratio to every case, the police need only to recruit another 482,789 officers (a 500% increase) to ensure each missing person case is dealt with just as effectively.
Well done.

JEFFREY ARCHER: ''STILL NOT DEAD YET''

Further sad news today on FLJA, as reports that he woke up this morning were confirmed by eye witnesses.

House Prices - Great News For Jowell

If you haven't got one yet, you still can't afford it.
Prices rose today to make the average home a meagre £161,000.
Still, it's all good, especially if you've taken a loan out on your £700,000 Kentish Town house, eh Tessa? I wonder how much that is in Italian lira?
Oh, hang on, it's euros these days...

FRENCH BIRD FLU: VACCINATIONS BEGIN

As our exclusive picture shows, Jean-Pierre Le Canard was one the first of over 2 million birds being vaccinated by the French government. The French, who are one of the king pins of the EU and support it all the way, decided to ignore what the EU said and go ahead vaccinating the birds anyway. Vaccination could cause the virus to mutate further, but the French said they didn't give a fuck, they've got omelettes to make. The EU will come up with a cohesive plan to deal with the epidemic sometime in 2084. Cunts.

GLASS OF WINE ARRESTED FOR BEING ''HALF EMPTY''

Police today raided the E.R. offices after claims that it contained a ''half-empty'' glass of wine.
Authorities were concerned that the British legal system didn't have enough to waste a load of fucking time on, and that the argument about the glass should keep them and a load of other overpaid cunts in clover for the forseeable future.
What with banning our Mayor from office, arguments about Dan Brown's shite books, and nicking pop stars for having a spliff, and a load of other shite cases that matters not a fuck, it was expected that the glass would appear in court sometime in 2007.
''It's definitely half-full,'' said an officer taking it from the offices. ''See you in court.''
Cheers.

BIRD FLU LATEST: GOVERNMENT ORDERS 200,000 BODY BAGS. EXCLUSIVE E.R. PIC

The Government has ordered 200,000 body bags in preparation for a bird flu epidemic. Shortages in pasta, rice and water are also expected, but there's plenty of cous cous left. Try it with a mint, yoghurt and cucumber dressing.
Do what you like with the smashingly professional pics you will find on English Ranter, as all (except public domain photofits of criminals) are produced exclusively for and owned by English Ranter. If you want to send one to a friend, please use the email post button below, thanks.

TESSA JOWELL ASKS: ''WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?''

Chased by the press from her home, Government Minister Tessa Jowell today pleaded: ''Can somebody please tell me what I've done wrong?''
Ok love, you asked for it:
* You were one of the most outspoken supporters for invading Iraq - that was wrong.
* You were one of the most outspoken supporters for student top up fees - that was wrong.
* You are one of the most outspoken supporters for ID cards - that's wrong
* Since being elected you've attended less than half the votes in parliament - with a voting record worse than more than 90% of other MPs. That's not good either.
So, that makes you a lazy war-mongering education-wrecking fascist.
I bet when you entered politics you never dreamt it would work out so well.
Hold your head up high love, that way we can get a clear shot.
Cheerio.

JEFFREY ARCHER IN SUICIDE TRAGEDY

Apparently that Fucking Liar Jeffrey Archer (FLJA) thought about it in prison, and then decided against it.
Complete fucking tragedy.

CARELESS SPLIFTER? OR JUST THE POLICE BEING A BUNCH OF UTTER CUNTS?

It's good to see that our police are just as vigilant with that oh so obvious public enemy number one George Michael as the police in the US.
In these days of terror attacks it's key that the priorities of our law enforcers are in tune with the rest of us.
Just as in the states, where officers, rather than looking into one of the 500 or so murders commited every day in their lovely country, were looking in gents bogs to bag a big star criminal, here, the good old London bobby is keeping it real too.
In London, there are A MILLION offences committed every year.
That's one for every ten of us.
Knife crimes are on the increase.
We are still apparently under a security threat, and less than a year on from the biggest attack on the city in peacetime.
Still, it's good to know officers ensured a story to tell their mates down the pub by nicking Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou on suspicion of possessing weed, asleep in his car.
What a complete and utter fucking waste of time.
Next thing you know they'll be putting police outside county hall so our elected Mayor can't go to work for a month.
Oh hang on...

Beckham Mathematics Latest...still 'not very good at sums' and stuff, but he's trying

David Beckham was struggling with numbers again today by admitting his Real Madrid side were lucky to get away with just a 1-0 defeat at home to Arsenal in their Champions League game last week.
When asked how many they should of lost by, Beckham counted all the fingers on one hand and got a bit confused - insisting it's probably better if he waits and asks Brooklyn when they have beans on toast together at tea time.
The incident comes just 24 hours after the man once thought of as a genius shocked the nation by revealing he's not very good at sums ''and stuff like that''.

Is it just me or....

Is that link just weird? Quite good value though. I'm sure it cost more than that when I saw it in the Saatchi gallery last year.

SORRY JEFF, I CAN'T READ MATE

It's almost three years since that Fucking Liar Jeffrey Archer (FLJA) was let out of prison, and this time he's written another pile that he calls literature, cashing in on the tragedy of 9/11 for the plot, like the unpleasant individual he is.
Apparently FLJA is disturbed by the amount of illiteracy in prison, with 60% of prisoners unable to read.
Maybe that's what they told FLJA in case he gave them a chapter of his new book to read. Very clever, lads.
It's also good to know that he's a Conservative Party member again. Obviously FLJA will fit in very nicely indeed...

David Beckham's Shocking Sums Revelation: ''I'm not the maths genius you think I am''

The football world has been brought to its knees today with the news that David Beckham ''isn't very good at maths''.
The Real Madrid superstar who earns an estimated £120,000 a week, has admitted shamefully to the press: ''Sometimes I find my son's homework difficult.''

boggling

His six-year-old son's homework has included such mind-boggling brain teasers as 15 minus 11.
News spread fast around football, and shocked faces of disbelief were to be seen in dressing rooms up and down the country. The Blackburn vs Arsenal match kick-off was delayed as players close to tears took a moment to compose themselves at the news that David Beckham isn't very good at math.

gas bill

But one person who couldn't be hurt more by the news is David's long time team-mate and Manchester United pal Gary Neville:
''I'm shocked. I'm finding the news hard to take'', said Gary, fighting back the tears from his £15 million mock tudor mansion in Chester. ''When we lived together David used to pay the bills. When he said I owed him a fiver for the gas, I trusted him. Now I realise he just may have been making it all up, and in fact I owed him £4.40.''
But it wasn't just the bills that Gary reflected on. ''I used to ask him the score at half time in the Manchester United dressing room. We all did. Even the gaffer. Now I know the truth. When he said it was 1-1 and we needed one more goal, he was just guessing and playing it safe.''
Alex Ferguson issued this simple statement. ''I feel betrayed.''

parky

''He's a master of disguise,'' spoke Steven Hawking. ''When I met him on Parkinson I asked him if he'd read any of my books. I was suspicious when he replied 'yes, I've read hundreds of them,' but I thought he was just a big fan. Its apparent now, that despite all appearances, he's not very good at mathematics at all.''
More shock football revelations are about to follow. Robbie Fowler's reputation for being good at crochet and Didier Drogba's biscuit baking are both hinted to be the next under the microscope.

Florida Nazis On March

Could put a whole new spin on that family visit to Disneyland. If you do see Goofy, Mickey or Donald sneakily goose-stepping this year, give him a really hard kick in the balls.

OCEAN'S 13 - A TOY STORY UPDATE............The evidence

WANTED MAN........ACTION MAN.

OCEAN'S 13 - A TOY STORY UPDATE

After hinting two days ago that the £50 million pound cash robbery may not have been masterminded by a mastermind, arrests have duly followed.
Judging by the photofits that have been issued for the public, police are looking for a gang of real action men.
No, sorry, I meant to say a gang of Action Man, er, dolls. These airheads may have the guns, the looks, the eagle eyes, even a fucking tank - but not the brains or the balls to bring off a job like this. That's why so much money was left behind! They could only get a couple of hundred each into those tiny gripping hands, the fools.
Turn yourself in guys - or Barbie gets it.

BLOW ME

A whale in an aquarium in Western Japan has learnt to blow bubble rings underwater with a diver's oxygen supply.