Saturday, April 01, 2006


* Travel the world and get a uniform
* Be bullied and watch your friends commit suicide in training
(4 soldiers at the notorious UK Deepcut barracks committed suicide. There will be no criminal inquiry into how one solidier managed to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head - TWICE).
* Go through bizarre bonding rituals including grappling naked with your colleagues in mud and shaving foam.
* Get given broken or patched up equipment
* Don't get given a sattelite phone (even when they are available) and then die in an Iraqi ambush.
* Kick the shit out of unarmed foreign teenagers
* Humiliate your enemy in jail and learn new photographic composition techniques from your American cousins
* Never see either of those royal cunts William and Harry that are alledgedly comrades in arms
* Fight illegal wars
* Er, did we mention the travel the world bit and the uniform? Then we're done.

Simpson Movie Confirmed for 2007

It feels ten years too late but they've finally decided to make a movie of the Simpsons. For the new good-to-watch-once "real life" Simpsons TV promo clip on Google Video, click the post.

Friday, March 31, 2006


As you can see, Foreign Secretary Jack Straw and US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice did loads of important work today.
Here they are holding up a Blackburn soccer shirt with her name on for photographers. My, how they laughed.
Riot police on horseback were needed to protect the pair while they went to a concert in Liverpool City Centre tonight.
Thousands of people came out to tell her to fuck off, everywhere she went.

Crunch time for subtitles

Of the 7.5 million Brits that regularly use the BBC's subtitles service only 1.5 million have hearing problems.
In a survey of users by the service, a more popular reason for putting them on among the other 6 million people is that you can keep up with the dialogue when eating noisy crisps or chips.


Britain's birth rate has dropped once again, down now to 1.74 children, well below the 2.1 necessary to maintain population levels. With a growing elderly population, the birth shortage will mean an unnacceptable burden placed upon the young in an ageing society.
Or no old age pension.
In Spain, Greece, Germany and Italy, which have not developed family-friendly policies over recent years (unlike the UK), the problem is even worse with levels down to around 1.3 children. New research in the UK shows the highest numbers of women ever choosing to be childless. Europe's low birth rate is expected to cause economic output to slump, while developing countries continue to grow at a rapid rate over the next 40 years.
Picture Die Baba by Marlene Dumas, copyright of the Saatchi Gallery, and will be on display at the new Saatchi gallery in Chelsea, London, when it opens in 2007. To take a virtual tour of the gallery visit

Smoking, Iran, Chernobyl, Busy-Body Health Fascists and Earthquakes

In the first week of No Smoking Britain, the right of someone to sit somewhere of their own choice and not risk being given cancer seems a reasonable one.
I don't think it's fair, especially where staff and smokers in an establishment agree they all want to light up, but it will cut down smoking. I can live with it, though it was good to see that David Hockney went mental on telly about it the other day.
What is interesting is the 20 year anniversary of Chernobyl in a few weeks time. I remember the day Chernobyl kicked off. I was holidaying with my first girlfriend, and we were heading to the beach when news of the disaster came over the car radio.
It was a sunny day, but with a cold northerly blustering wind that was, the radio assured us, coming directly across the north sea from the disaster area.
We just said 'shit' in the car and went quiet, but the freedom of the beach meant when we arrived we laughed about the world ending, and about the poison we were breathing in, how this could all be it.
It felt new to think the world was going to end. A bit sad, but too surreal to get grumpy about.
Then we sat in the sun and looked out at the sea, holding hands. I could do that kind of thing back then without having an argument.
Later there was acid rain in the UK, and sheep in the north east were found with unacceptable levels of radiation in their bodies from nuclear-infected fields.
Estimates are that about 4,000 Russians got cancer directly from the blast, and how many residual thousands from all over Europe that got a tumour that was sparked by a side order of Chernobyl radiation will never really be known.
They are throwing too much other stuff at us to tell. Plus there's the fags.
Anyway, so now they're looking at nuclear power again, yet the smoking argument seems to go out the window. Nuclear power plants give you cancer. Ask anyone who lives near Sellafield in the UK, and the tumour cases in the region.
But unlike cigarettes, reactors won't be banned and only allowed inside the homes of those who want them.
As someone who doesn't want cancer from nuclear power, or radiated sheep, or acid rain, I can't decide to move to another room, or ban pro nuclear arseholes from going out and enjoying themselves while people die from their ignorance.
And finally, I'm more worried if Iran is building a nuclear power plant than a bomb... yesterday's earthquake wasn't the first to hit the country which is set across a fault that crunches a piece of the Iran virtually every year.
With the right placement, Iran might manage to wipe out Israel, Iraq, Itself and the rest of us with a power plant if the earthquake decides to strike and send the reactor heading for the earth's core.
So come on anti-smokers, your busy-body work is done here. No more coughy coughy in the pub. Sweet smelling coffee will be the only after-dinner restaurant aroma. You've won. It's over.
Now take your self-righteous pompous attitude and do something useful with it.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Beatles fan and war mongerer Condoleezza Rice makes an ironic give-peace-no-chance airport landing and then walks into a trade row

Here she comes, walking down the street, geting funniest looks from... oh hang on, that's The Monkees.
She likes The Beatles.
War fan Condoleezza Rice flew into Liverpool's John Lennon Airport today and then into a trade row with the UK after the USA was accused of free-trade "hypocrisy".
Rice is ''up north'' after she and Jack Straw started flirting with each other and invited one another to their home towns. After Straw's visit to the States, Rice noted that Straw's home town of Blackburn was mentioned in a Beatles' song.
After hearing it was ''nearby'' she's turned her visit into a Beatles' not very mysterious tour, including a visit to schools and homes of Lennon and McCartney.
The Muslim community in the area would, in general, from what we've heard, like her to fuck off, and hurry up about it. E.R. tends to agree - or at the very least we don't need any more shots of her and Jack Straw looking longingly into each other's eyes.
It's worse than when Pat and Patrick ''did it'' on EastEnders.

Anyway, here's E.R.'s Condoleezza Rice Beatles Top Ten:

1. Chains (Guanatamo Bay Acapella)
2. The Fool On (Capitol) Hill
3. Get Back
4. Got To Get You Out Of My Life
5. Happiness Is A Warm Gun
6. Hello, Goodbye
7. Let It Be
8. Misery
9. Nowhere Man (in honour of her host, Jack Straw)
10. Run For Your Life


London and England were left another year without a national stadium as "officials" ruled out the new Wembley stadium opening until 2007.
That bit broke off last week. Then all the men went home because they hadn't been paid.
It looks a bit shit too.
Like a baseball stadium.
Bring on the Olympics!


But it couldn't get down the stairs, talks Japanese and is only really any good at chess.
Instead, not one, but TWO elected members of Parliament decided the most important issue affecting the nation today was the sale of Blue Peter badges on Ebay.
The badges, handed out by the BBC TV kids show, are awarded to prefects, recyclists, scouts, busy bodies and people who look after their mum because ''her legs don't work very well''.
Over 200 UK ''attractions'' accept the badges for free admission, and consequently, if you visit zoos and pencil museums a lot, are worth a pretty penny.
Ok, so the BBC are going to issue an ID card to stop this in future, plus most people contacted by the BBC who were selling on the site have had second thoughts and taken them off sale.
So why the fuck have TWO liberal democrat MPs tabled a House of Commons motion demanding Ebay ban the sale of the badges? What a couple of headline-seeking, middle-class vote hunting, fuck-witted, shit-faced James Blunts.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


After going on American TV in 2003 to tell the nation, ''Let's get one thing straight, crack is cheap, I make too much money to ever smoke crack,'' singer Whitney Houston has reconsidered and realised the drug is in fact an absolute bargain that is too good to be missed.

Nutter ''Alert''

''It's a pornography hole, ok? That's what it is -'' - Rebecca Hagelin.
Rebecca was speaking to hundreds of American ''conservative'' Christians concerned that the world faces a moral crisis because of Islam, gay vicars, abortions, Hollywood, ''liberal'' judges, and, er,
Poison. Obviously.
Rebecca is vice president of The Heritage Foundation, who support American family values and war.

I know we're not allowed to mention the war...

...but the idea of wimpy Embrace doing the England World Cup song is arse.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Congratulations. You have been twats in uniforms on skates for six fucking years

A ''special'' division of London police on roller blades that patrolled the city's parks have been disbanded because ''law breakers'' ''ran off'' across ''the'' grass.
This cunning ploy used by a range of criminal masterminds, including kids shouting ''WANKER'', old people taking a dump in park bins, and other ne'er do wells, meant our ''berks-on-the-beat'' had to ''stop'' and ''take their skates off'' once they got to the turf.
By the time the ''in-line idiots'' undone the skates and put on some proper shoes, "wee" Jimmy had shouted ''YOU FUCKING COCKS'' and bounded over the park fence, bought a 99, and was already stealing Haribo chews from Europa.
Meanwhile the pensioner has wiped, done up their trousers, and after waiting a couple of minutes, comfortably boarded the 96 bus, for free, after being helped on with their zimmerframe.
How an earth could it have taken six years for anyone to notice they weren't arresting anyone? ''Apparently'' they had a ''great'' collection of leg warmers though.


That should put a smile on everyone's face.

Local Government Workers Find Their Pension Pot Pissed In (as well as their boots)

It's no wonder 1.5 million Britons could be on strike today after their pension deals are threatened with being written off by a combination of Labour cowardness and Conservative fraud.
So why is the local authority pension pot not big enough to guarantee workers, many in manual, low paid jobs, a small pension (for the mostly part-time women the average is about £1700, for men £5,500) from the age of 60?
Why are local government workers now being asked to work until 65?
Have a guess, is it..
* The fact that 9/11 wiped millions off pension funds? Nope.
* The fact that the pension funds have an ageing workforce that it can't afford to pay when it retires? Nope.
* The fact that profits in the future are unlikely to be enough to pay pensions? Nope.
* That new workers are being offered the retire-at-60 deal? Nope. They're not.
Some council pension funds, like Manchester, can afford to pay the retire-at-60 deal because they have plenty of money in their fund. So what's the problem?
The reason that pensions are underfunded as a whole is that in the 1980s some councils, especially Conservative ones in London and the South East, didn't pay a penny towards their funds for years.
A rule brought in by Thatcher meant they could use predictions of future profits to withhold payments, and then use what should have been going into the fundm to keep down the poll tax. I know, because I was a journalist in Croydon reporting about the council doing the very thing in the mid 1980s..
One council made no payment into its pension fund for 14 years. That added up to a decade of gains through the 90s that would have given the funds a surplus capable of withstanding a knock like 9/11.
Yet now, once again, flies undone, weather forecast in hand, these very same councils are telling those workers they have to work another five years for the benefits they signed up for.
So though it's unlikely E.R.'s dustbins will be collected in their usual Tuesday round today, but with all that piss in the dustmen's boots, it's hardly surprising.

Monday, March 27, 2006

''So, she's a tit woman!''

The brilliant Simon Amstell on hearing that Paula Abdul was rumoured to fancy Simon Cowell during the making of American Idol.

Blunt Provides Welcome Addition to Cockney Rhyming Slang

As a London-based organisation, E.R. enjoys keeping apace with the language of local urban life. Which is why it welcomed news that 70s Formula One race-ace (and reknowned tight-arse)James Hunt has finally been replaced in local rhyming slang with number-one popster James Blunt.
The racing driver tradition had been maintained with the use of ''Ayrton'' for a ten-pound note (as in Senna - Tenner), but Hunt's fame is out of date, and younger casual users of slang were starting to revert to the vulgar version.
E.R. has embraced use of the new phrase, as in the following example:
''That James Blunt is a James Blunt, isn't he?''


Mad cow disease is back as news comes that 14,000 Britons are estimated to be carrying the disease.
Over half the population is at risk of contraction through blood transfusion, and there's no blood scan to spot if anyone has it.
Picture shows sculpture, ''Self'', by Mark Quinn, who also made the controversial ''Pregnant'', on display on the fourth plinth of Trafalgar Square.
''Self'' is made from 4.5 litres of his own frozen blood.
Stories that it was destroyed by Nigella Lawson (cook and wife of the then owner Charles Saatchi), when she was having a new kitchen put in and the freezer was unplugged, were untrue. It was later sold to an American collector for £1.5 million.
If Mark ate British beef before he made this sculpture, it may contain the CJDv virus protein.


He should have done it three years ago.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


Kember's booking his next holiday there now.


God says: "Are you mental or something?''


"One, er, million dollars!"


Look out for The Crankies extravaganza if Glasgow win their 2014 bid to host the games.


-------MY COPY IS YOUR RIGHT E.R. 2006------- 

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