Scientists prove talking mundane bollocks like a complete and utter cunt is best way to get laid

Researchers at Edinburgh University studied speed daters and got them to try out a series of chat up lines to see which received the most positive reaction when used on women and men.
Professor Richard Wiseman, in charge of the project, describes the perfect opening question as one which "enables the person being asked to see themselves in a new and creative way, and yet will avoid conflict."
Wow those must be some questions.
Realising that E.R. couldn't think of anything interesting that might fit the bill, it investigated further.
What could these perfect shag-inducing, heart-melting, memorable and 'my-you-are-intringuing-you-must-take-my-pants-off' questions possibly be?
"We have found two that work very well." continued Professor Wiseman.
E.R. could hardly wait to hear.
This would surely be the solution to breaking the ice across the nation, possibly between continents.
A perfect unbeatable chat up line available to both sexes could bring down barriers between icy unconfident singletons everywhere.
People could begin to communicate, to enrich their lives with each other, to love.
The survey covered an age range of 22 to 42 years old.
So what were the two lines that worked best?
"Asking people what their favourite pizza topping was, or which celebrity they'd be if they appeared on Stars In Their Eyes".
Oh, cock.

EASTER SPECIAL UPDATE

All of the pieces of food below have been either sold at high prices or visited by worshippers because of their likeness to either Jesus or the Virgin Mary.

In 2004, the cheese sandwich that looks like Faye Dunaway, was sold as a miracle Virgin Mary artefact on e-bay for $28,000 by Diane Duyser. Link here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4034787.stm

In 2002 over 20,000 Christians visited a church in Bangalore, India, because they thought the face in a piece of chapati bread was Jesus. Link here:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/2484195.stm

In 2005, the pinto bean with "the face of Jesus" was sold on E-bay. Sorry no link. I can't remember where the fish stick was from, but it's been claimed the face of Jesus, not Chevy Chase.

Happy Easter or not, whatever.

EASTER SPECIAL: FRANK ZAPPA FOUND ON PINTO BEAN

This pinto bean was auctioned by its christian owner who believed it contained the face of Christ.
Close. It was of course, Frank Zappa.

EASTER SPECIAL: CHEVY CHASE FOUND ON FISHSTICK

Fletch really does live! On a fishstick.
The fishstick's owners thought it was Jesus.
Definitely the Chevster.

EASTER SPECIAL: OSAMA BIN LADEN FOUND. IN CHAPATI

Not quite so good news then. The owners of the chapati believed it was Jesus.

EASTER SPECIAL: FAYE DUNAWAY FOUND IN CHEESE SANDWICH

A possessed Faye Dunaway, at that.
The owner of the cheese sandwich, believes it is the Virgin Mary.

Man walks 10,000 miles and can't find a post office

A British ex-paratrooper soldier's attempt to walk around the world has hit trouble after he entered Russia without the right papers and now faces deportation, destroying his record breaking attempt.
Despite starting his walk SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS AGO in the arctic and walking from South to North across both of the Americas, the prat forgot to sort out the paperwork and now, unsurprisingly, is being held by Russians after entering the country illegally via the Behring straits.
While the press is full of talk of "red tape" blowing this incredible record attempt, you might expect, that with probably about 3 years spent walking across North America and Canada, you'd have plenty of time to look in your bum bag and make sure you have the right fucking visa for your next stop.
What a tit.

THICK AS SHIT PRINCE HARRY GETS TOP JOB IN THE ARMY

21-year-old Prince Harry has been made a troop commander in the British Army. "Thicky" Harry's outstanding qualifications include a grade B in A-Level Art (at which he was accused of cheating by a sacked teacher) and a grade D in Geography.
He dropped A-Level history of art because it was too difficult.
The average pupil from his school, Eton, leaves with three A levels grade C or above.
The qualifications would not be enough to get the average pupil into all but the worst universities in Britain.
However, he is said to excell at camouflage face painting, "as long as you don't give him too many pretty colours to start with", said an insider.
"Apparently" Harry has improved since the first time he tried it, as can be seen by the picture. "We all came out with faces like baby tiger cubs. Looked like we'd been to the creche at Ikea," added our informant.
Harry will have 11 British soldiers and four tanks under his command.
Experts are concerned Harry has too many men and not enough fingers count them on, though plans for a tour of duty by the squadron to Iraq next year should quickly resolve this.

PRINCE HARRY FINALLY GETS A UNIFORM JUST LIKE DAD'S

But which one?

CHINA TO BUILD 30 NEW NUCLEAR REACTORS BY 2020 - Iran haven't built one yet, world wants to bomb them

While the announcement of Iran's nuclear enrichment programme is depressing, it's hardly surprising for a country that has plenty of nuclear warheads pointing straight at it, all of them owned by the very people that illegally invaded Iraq.
At present, they don't have the capability to power a nuclear toothbrush.
If 9/11 had a lesson, it was surely that the castles we build in modern empires can be washed away like sand in a wave by the power and passion of faith, inequality and murder.
As my uncle Jim used to say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. But he was only 5ft4", so he said that a lot. He didn't mind a fight.
So it seems odd to me, in this war against terrorism, that the world both East and West seems hell bent on offering them so many more sitting ducks.
Nuclear power stations are surely the suicide bomber's nirvana, ensuring not only the destruction of himself, but half the continent he's on too. I've seen 24, I know the way these people think. But it's pretty obvious even if you haven't.
Not that it may need any terrorism (or even a war on it) to set one off.
These things are shaky enough as it is.
If I was going to have a nuclear reactor to power E.R.'s meagre energy requirements, then I'd have the Japanese build it.
Cutting edge technology, computerised efficiency, dilligent and skilled manufacture, solid build, and a nuclear history that means they surely wouldn't underestimate what they were fucking around with.
Yesterday, a brand spanking new 2006-just-built-state-of-the-art Japanese nuclear reactor leaked 30 litres of plutonium enriched water and had to be shut down.
Great.
Meanwhile, those not-quite-so-known-for-their-quality-manufacturing Chinese are going to build two reactors a year for the next 14 years. This is sure to send the world prices for Plutonium through the roof, meaning other nuclear reactors that can't be shut down will squeeze their governments dry for funding.
Plus, of course, offering terrorists across the globe more and more easy targets to wipe out a generation.
But perhaps the most shocking fact of all is this. Those 30 big reactors, brand new, 30 of them... how much do you think that would give China of the energy it will need in 2020 when they are all running?
50%?
40%?
25%?
10%?
5%?
Those reactors, combined with the ones still running that China has now, will contribute just 4% of their energy needs.
That's if, of course, they haven't blown us all up by then anyway.
30 nuclear reactors in 14 years, all made in China.
Bollocks.

FAMOUS CRIMINAL FINALLY CAUGHT OUT IN ITALY

Anyway, enough about Berlusconi losing the election.
They arrested that old Mafia "godfather" in Sicily on election day too, Italy's most wanted man (unlike Berlusconi) while he was answering the door to pick up his laundry.
And in which town?
Corleone, of course.

COMMIES CLEAR UP ON WORLD TRADE - Yanks spend money they haven't got, Brits design handbags

Another month, another multi-billion dollar profit for China Inc.
While trade deficits slipped to all time highs in the UK and US for March 2006, the Chinese economy showed no signs of slowing down - and turned in a nice little $11 US Billion Dollar surplus for the co-operative that is the Chinese Communist Party.
The government in China has managed to maintain trade restrictions, foreign currency rates and of course its grip on the internal Chinese economy which has a booming manufacturing base.
This month's surplus is more than double the figure for March 2005, and as the dollar slips in value again, Bush's war debts will eventually become a big albatross around the neck of the American public.
Shopping is currently keeping the US economy afloat, but is also murdering its trade deficit.
Eventually a rising oil price will bring the energy-negative US economy down, with no money left in the pot to pay for it.
Meanwhile in the UK, our economy is becoming flimsy for a different reason.
We don't make anything any more (or fix anything, come to that - see the lamp-post below).
With manufactured goods representing only a quarter of the UK's exports, it's lowest share ever, our profits are now firmly hedged in services like banking, insurance, travel, and designing pretty fashiony things like handbags - which we then send to China to get made.
All a bit whoopsy if the world economy really focuses on the Far East in the 21st Century and they learn how to design handbags themselves.
Then we could really be in trouble.

IRAN STEPS IN TO END WORLD CONTROVERSY ABOUT WHETHER THEY CAN START NUCLEAR PRODUCTION

They've already done it.

OIL PRICES LATEST: THIS JUST IN

They're fucked. Especially in the UK, where the £1 litre of petrol is expected by the summer. That's equivalent to $8 US a gallon...

LIVING IN A BROKEN DREAM: DULL PICTURE OF FUCKED LAMP ATTEMPTS TO ILLUSTRATE THE ANCIENT AND NOW DYING ART OF "FIXING STUFF"

The art of fixing stuff is dying.
A recent survey in the UK found that under 30s don't have a clue of how to fix stuff, and if something needs fixing in their homes then it's mum and dad they call.
Sewing, soldering, plumbing, screwing, woodwork and er, other diy skills that you need to fix stuff, are becoming dying arts.
Even worse, one in four of them don't know how to change a plug.
But E.R. believes this shows a growing trend.
The automation of our society and the microchip's ability to do our thinking for us means when something breaks these days, we throw it away.
Or we make a call and get mum or dad to fix it.
Or we make a call and get someone to come round and fix it, usually for a price higher than the price of the thing that was broken, and so encouraging us to chuck it away and buy another.
In turn this leaves a trail of broken stuff on dumps or in landfills, or at best used for scrap, and of course means something has to be made to take its place.
Unfortunately I am part of the problem, not the solution.
This lamp's been broken for weeks. E.R. laments it hasn't got a clue how to fix it, or the other broken lamp in the bedroom, and I've got a qualification in electronics. And it's only a lamp. And I'm 39, old enough to be one of these fix-it dads. How crap is that? (I do know how to change a plug though).
Maybe they teach you it at dad school, and I've never been.
The good news is though, that the guy who lives upstairs, his dad is coming round to fix the front door to the English Ranter office.
He obviously has been to dad school.
I wonder if I can just get him to look at this sodding lamp...
If you like pictures of broken stuff (weirdo), we've got a picture of a broken ashtray at english ranter's picture site, www.erlite.blogspot.com, which features the pictures of english ranter, without the boring politics.

Watch London (Everybody Else Is)

By clicking the header of this post, or visiting http://www.bbc.co.uk/london/in_pictures/webcams/ you can sit and watch English people as they go about their business, or indeed take a look at a bit of London you haven't seen before.
This would mean you'd join the thousands of English people employed to watch their fellow countrymen on the UK's 4 million or so CCTV cameras, set by the government to watch its citizens, which is higher per person than any other nation on earth.
That government is now tying in biometric technology with this massive coverage, and issue ID cards that could be used to restrict the movement of individuals.
Hilariously you can also watch the progress at England's new national stadium, Wembley, also via a webcam feed. The disastrous project is over a year behind schedule and hundreds of millions of pounds over budget.
You might be there a while...

George Bush - Socialism's saviour and doing China a favour

It can be no coincidence that the reign of Mr Bush in North America has coincided with South America turning to the left.
Mr Bush's loony actions continue to push up share prices in the oil companies that paid for his election campaign. And convince the world both near and far, that maybe the American dream isn't the one they wanted after all.
The new soft-left socialist domination of South America is, however, great news for energy-hungry commie China. While Bush sets about making an enemy of Iran and pushing the oil price to an all time high once more, the Chinese have been making friends.
With, among others, Brazil. And securing another strategic energy source in the process.
One thing Brazil has is space, and a great climate for growing palms. And a lack of enforcement that means anyone near a rain forest can snatch a bit and grow some palms. Brazil's palm oil output has been useful in the past - but in the future it will be key.
Biofuels made from palms are at the centre of the battle against pollution and global warming, as well as providing a long-term renewable oil source of sorts, when the deserts of the middle east finally run dry.
Its environmental impact - wiping out rainforests for palms, is a fucking disgrace. But there we go. China have done a deal meaning they will be Brazil's biggest customer, securing all the nation's spare palm oil, and meaning the USA have lost the opportunity of an energy supply that was right under their noses.
Other key economic deals are making China one of the continent's biggest customers.
And that means South America will no longer have to deal with the right-wing fading super bully just a few hundred miles north.

People you wouldn't think I've met, but I have#6: Lady Victoria Hervey

Introduced by a friend in 2000, having a glass of wine on a makeshift table set up on a sunny summer's day outside her Belgravia "boutique".
She stared at people a lot and said very little, and what she did say let on the personality of someone who thought that her shit didn't smell.
I bet it does though.

WELCOME TO THE UK'S McDONALD'S DEMOCRACY. WELCOME TO BLAMERON.

American readers might not know this, but the generation English Ranter is from used to think this:
"Oh well, our political system is shit, but at least it's not like Russia, where they don't have a choice, or America, where they think they have choice but in fact they are being sold the same old wank in two different colours".
Well, unfortunately, now it's our turn.
It feels like choosing between George Bush Senior and George Bush Junior. One you know has been a cunt, the other one is just waiting for his place in history to be even more of a cunt now that it's his turn.
On the left is David Cameron, the newish Conservative leader who is electable because he rides a pedal bike and talks to poor people. His money, however, is invested in Complete Cunts Inc., and that should always be remembered.
On the right, we have Tony Blair, a man who made a living out of selling his ideals for his career. He licked America's 9/11 wounds as though they were his own, and his religious zealour has led us to an illegal war that funds oil share prices and the Republican party.
British politics has merged to an insipid middle ground, now, to be remembered in history forever as Blameron (pronounced blammeron).
I'm not even going to justify what they stand for by telling you about either of them. All I would say is that they are to politics, what McDonalds are to food.
Yes, now they sell salads.
But they are still cunts.

IT'S BIRDS BIRDS BIRDS IN YOUR SUPER SOARAWAY SUNDAY E.R.

* PRINCE HARRY DOES WHAT ALL PRINCES OF DAYS GONE BY HAVE DONE - HE GOES TO SPEARMINT RHINO IN SLOUGH...
PLUS!
* ARE YOU A CHICKEN? OR ARE YOU JUST SCARED OF BIRD FLU?...
PLUS!
* SESAME STREET'S BIG BIRD: "F IS FOR FLU, I THINK I MIGHT HAVE IT, DO YOU WANT IT?"...
PLUS !
* EVERYONE IS CALLING UP 999 ABOUT DEAD BIRDS - LISTEN, THEY DIE ALL THE FUCKING TIME YOU TWATS, IT'S JUST SWANS, DUCKS AND MIGRATING BIG FUCKERS YOU WANT TO WORRY ABOUT, NOT THAT DEAD SPARROW THAT YOU FOUND UNDER THE DUSTBIN, OK?

Hello China! 出版这您惊吓共产主义信徒笨蛋

English Ranter sends this message to the Chinese government, following rules that mean no new overseas publishing ventures are allowed in the country, except for science and technology.
We used babel fish cos Mandarin just ain't in our vocab.
Probably says sunday's are nice for walking clocks, but that's not what we meant.