HOW TO SAVE THE WORLD - BECOME POOR

Interesting piece on the BBC website from some bloke in charge of the Global Commons Institute.
No, I hadn't heard of them either.
Carbon emissions fucking up the atmosphere and causing deaths from climate change are currently split like this: 33% of the world produces 94% of carbon emissions, while 66% of the world produces just 6%.
For a long time E.R. has believed that the message to help Africa - "get yourself sorted, and we'll invest in you so you can become more like us" has been wrong.
The harsh reality is, that aside from the starvation and embattled politics (neither of which exist across all of Africa), that we need to become more like them.
Of course, becoming "poorer" is a concept that has to be addressed in the context of what you consider being "rich" is.
If being "rich" means that we pollute the air that we breathe, destroy the atmosphere that surrounds us, and poison the water we drink, then maybe being "rich" isn't actually that much fun at all.
While definitions for "poverty" in western societies continues to rise, levels of "happiness" do not.
We're all making ourselves miserable to become richer - yet the outcome of this success is unhappiness and a fucked-up, polluted world.
Global deaths from climate change are rising.
This is economic genocide.
And you and me are the murderers.
We are not only killing the world to become rich, we are also killing the poor. Investment is not needed in growth, but in contraction.
We need to learn to live with less.
If you don't believe it, fine.
You may not die from the poison you make, but right now someone else is.
And eventually your kids will.
Or your kids' kids.
Contraction and Convergence (C&C) - giving economic shares to countries that don't pollute from those that do - uses the market framework to set levels of carbon emissions at those which the world can afford.
It encourages growth in those countries that enviromentally can afford it, and contraction in those that don't. Just as we pay to use oil as a resource, we would pay for every bit of the atmosphere we fuck up.
Businesses and governments will be forced to replace dirty businesses with clean ones. An environmental harmony could be a real possibility.
It's pie in the sky economics - maybe.
But maybe the West, realizing that territorially it no longer owns the world's energy supplies, should sign up to it. And fast.
Then we can start setting our sights on a future which puts first the only real wealth we all own - the earth.
To read more about C&C see here
Painting by Christopher Orr
All We Need is the Air that we Breathe 2004
Courtesy Ibid Projects, London and Vilnius Collection of Magnus Edensvard

EIGHT THINGS I WILL NEVER DO, EIGHT THINGS I REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE

I will never...

1. Run a marathon
2. Vote Conservative
3. Do a bunjee jump
4. Emigrate to Australia
5. Become a Catholic
6. Wear legwarmers
7. Find fireworks boring. Even shit ones.
8. Join the Police

I really shouldn't have...

1. Watched Walt Disney's Fantasia
2. Started smoking
3. Puked in my underpants
4. Bothered using the internet until broadband came along
5. Eaten at McDonalds
6. Lost a fight against an 11 year old when I was 12
7. Fallen asleep during sex...
8. ...and then started snoring

Lordy Lordy - It's Lordi!

You can always rely on the Eurovision Song Contest to raise a smile if nothing else, and this year the entry from Finland - Lordi - are sure to do just that.
The mysterious Lordi - a death metal band who refuse to remove their masks and give their identities, are surely going to be one of the highlights of the show, watched by some 200 million Europeans.
Usually the Finns enter a folk singer who comes second to last, but no doubt pissed off with this, 42% of them voted in Lordi to represent their country this time around.
The band, who have had a number one in the country with their hit "The Devil Is A Loser" cruised through yesterday's semi-final and will be in the show on Saturday night.
They hail from the home of Father Christmas, Lapland, and got a platinum album with their 2002 release "Get Heavy".
Their website (in English) is definitely worth a look here promising "strong monster and violent gore".
You can find details of their forthcoming "Bringing Back The Balls To Finland '06" tour.
Should be an interesting night.

PEOPLE YOU WOULDN'T THINK I'VE MET BUT I HAVE#12: THE CAST OF BEVERLY HILLS 90210

It was a sad, sad, day back in 1992. Just ask the owner of the small car parked outside the photo shoot.
The six cast members that were there were: Jason Priestly, Jenny Garth, Shannen Doherty, Gabrielle Carteris, Brian Austin Green and Ian Ziering.
Despite the prospect of meeting the rather pretty Shannen Doherty and Jenny Garth, there wasn't much enthusiasm at the magazine I worked for to go and meet them. As I was the new boy, I got the job.
90210 had already been a massive hit in the States, and was about to start its run on TV in the UK. To promote it, the cast had been flown over for interviews, and I met them at a photo studio in west London.
At first things looked promising.
When I walked into the studio, a few bottles of beer had been opened, and a bottle of wine, and I figured this would mean they were at least up for a chat. But a sigh and a look from the photographer told me that maybe things weren't going well.
I remember the interviews roughly like this:
Ian Ziering: A bit macho, defensive, smug, bright, but willing to give it a go. A little too old-looking for the job.
Jenny Garth: Twee and girly to the point of puking, but nice enough.
Shannen Doherty: Sighing, rolling of eyes, swinging of legs while sitting on a desk, bored, awkward, impatient. The kind of girl I used to like back then. A bloody disaster.
Brian Austin Green: Nice enough - like a bright-eyed puppy, willing to please.
Gabrielle Carteris: Prettier than I had thought, and by far the nicest and brightest of the bunch.
Jason Priestly: Intense, chatty, but again very macho, loud and brash in a bad American way.
Anyway, some of them were playing up, but they were kids, basically. And even worse they were actors, so I expected it. I didn't mind, I only had to get a couple of hundred printable words out of each of them, not their fucking life story.
As the day went on, some of them were starting to get drunk. Brian Austin Green was lying upside down on a sofa trying to drink beer and spilling it down his face, while Shannen Doherty played with his navel.
As I left, Jason Priestley was forcing open the window of the photo studio.
He got his cock out, and pissed from three floors up on the mini parked below.
Pic left to right (back row): Ian Ziering, Gabrielle Carteris, Luke Perry, Jenny Garth
front row: Jason Priestley, Shannen Doherty, Tori Spelling, Brian Austin Green.

BUSH RUNS OUT OF FUNNY MONEY (so now it's time for us all to pay up)

Everyone's been waiting for it and finally it happened.
7 months of gains and more than 400 points have been wiped off Wall Street shares in just three days.
Surprise surprise - when you go to war and push up the oil price, it affects the price of everything.
Everyone spends money on fuel. Every item in the shops is delivered by fuel. Every school is heated by, you guessed it, fuel.
While Bush's backers at Esso have been rolling in it as the price of their black gold rises, the rest of us, every single one of us, on both sides of the Atlantic, is paying for it.
Meanwhile the balance of payments crisis that is hitting America caused by borrowing money to pay for the war, means their money is worth less abroad.
So that means more dollars for every item imported.
And that means prices of imports going up in the shops.
So what happens next?
What can a government do when inflation starts to hit and its currency is worth fuck all?
Well, it needs to tighten the money supply so that people can't put up the price of things the way they usually do, and make it a more attractive place for foreigners abroad to put their money.
The way to do that?
Put up interest rates.
But if you put up interest rates, then not only does the price of a mortgage goes up, but the cost of credit card repayments go up, and every company that borrows money has to pay more to put it back.
And when they pay more to get it back, guess what happens?
They pass the cost of those repayments to the consumer, who's already paying higher prices, and have less money in their pocket to pay for them because their mortgage has gone up or their credit becomes more expensive.
And then the demand for products drop.
And then the people that make those products lose their jobs, as manufacturers, particularly those that make expensive luxury products that most people buy with a loan (like a car), cut employees as demand for their goods fall.
And that little scenario is why Wall Street today had its biggest one day fall in seven years.
To try and get himself out of this mess, President Bush is pushing through $70 billion of tax cuts.
But tax cuts aren't a one-way street.
Otherwise every government would do it the moment they hit trouble.
Tax cuts usually take money away from the poor, since the rich have more than enough money to live on and their cash stays in the bank.
But the thing about the poor is they spend every penny they have. They don't stop spending because their shares have dropped or their mortgage has gone up, because they don't have shares or a mortgage. And they don't have money to spare.
So tax cuts can only have a limited effect in this position.
The only silver lining is the American job market, which is still pretty good right now.
People in work don't have to claim benefit and do pay taxes (unless they have a good accountant).
But it will be a tough balancing act for Bush to deliver.
Unfortunately, the full effect of his spending on the war will probably only be really felt after him and his oil-making mates have fucked off out of office and are laughing all the way to the bank.
If it's still there.
While the expanision of the Chinese and other economies eases the reliance on American cash to pump the world's economic engine, the old adage that if America catches a cold, the world sneezes, is still true.
It could be a very dry summer.
In more ways than one.

THE LION THING

Official World Cup mascot Goleo is officially the shittest mascot in the world.
Nici, the Bavarian toy company that paid $36 million for the rights to the lion thing here, has gone bust as shelves remain full of Goleo toys rejected by the German public.
Admittedly the toys - designed by the people that make the muppets - look slightly better than the bloke that had to dress up in this ridiculous outfit for the photo.
But surely even the muppet people would admit bringing the lion to life by getting a man in a lion suit to do the press with those stupid boots and a fucking annoying talking football was possibly the worse decision ever made.
Jim Henson would be turning in his grave.
If you like football, try World Cup Ranter - it will fit you better than those boots, that's for sure.

MOUTH ON A STICK DIVORCES WORLD'S DULLEST MUSICAL GENIUS

What a surprise. She's got her mouth open in the picture.
That one-legged walking me-me-me machine Heather Mills and hubby Paul McCartney have split up. Bit of luck that'll mean we'll be seeing (or more importantly hearing) less of her now that's over with.
Not that he's any more interesting these days, but at least if he opens his mouth in public it's usually to sing a song.
Good to see they've blamed the media - after all, she hasn't courted it at all.
"Me with my one leg on the telly, me and animals, me with my one leg and his daughter the designer I don't get on with, me marrying one of The Beatles even though I have one leg, me doing this on a bike with my one leg, me on the radio talking about me, oh and by the way, did I tell you I only had one leg? That's me, me, me..."

Random lists about nothing#1: Five people that have given Tony Blair a guitar in the past five years

1. Bono (2002)
2. Bryan Adams (2002)
3. The Fender guitar company (2002)
4. Vicente Fox, the President of Mexico (2001)
5. The Romanian government (2003)

Name of Tony Blair's band at University: Ugly Rumours.

HAS BLAIR BEEN NOBBLED?

As readers of E.R. will know, I've had more than a few misgiving about Prime Minister Tony Blair.
My primary objection was him taking us to war, secondly that he gives too many backhanders to private business via health and education services, and thirdly that he is showing a Christian religious vigour that is neither Christian or invigorating.
But I always thought he was a politician - a soft Labour wet bowing to the pressures of office, but none the less, making what he felt were pragmatic decisions, even if they were, in my eyes, shit.
Now I'm not so sure.
I'm starting to think that someone has something on him.
Maybe him and that awful wife and their dodgy mates had a six-some once and MI5 have pictures. Maybe one of the kids isn't his. Maybe all those houses they've bought were underhand in some way.
But surely something beyond the fact that THE BLOKE HAS GONE FUCKING INSANE could only explain the events of the past two weeks.
First there was the cabinet reshuffle.
A paranoid act of self defence that not only upset his "enemies" within his own party - but even a few of his tossy mates like Jack Straw too.
Local elections are just that. No big deal. Prescott with his pants down and a mess-up in the Home Office are hardly new kinds of balls-ups. Prime Ministers ride this kind of stuff out all the time. The result was pretty much the same as two years ago, and he still won the election. So why the clear-out?
Then this week, things have gone from paranoid to downright loony.
Why did he sign a petition pro animal testing? He's the fucking Prime Minister for Christ's sake! He shouldn't sign petitions, he should be making the fucking law if that's what he wants!
By signing a petition he's alienated half the country that don't like that kind of thing whatever their politics.
What a nob!
Then last night, he makes a speech to a bunch of businessmen that he's pro nuclear.
Even though he set up an independent review to look at energy options. It hasn't reported back yet, and presumably, was independent so that cunts like him don't make rash decisions before the facts are on the table.
So anti-nuclear supporters in his ranks are against him, rather than against the report. He could have waited for the independent report which he could then have put his name to - saying "look, I don't like nuclear, but this report is from the experts and so I think we should".
But no, he's already backed the poisoned chalice of nuclear fuels before anyone's asked him the question or told him the answer.
These are the actions of a fuckwit.
An imbecile.
An amateur.
A madman.
Or just possibly someone being blackmailed.
If there are pictures somewhere of Tony Blair being buggered with a strap-on by that Carole woman that gives Cherie aromatherapy massages, let's hope they come out soon.
Then we can get rid of the cunt and see what a sane Labour prime minister might have to offer instead.

LEGLESS MAN CLIMBS EVEREST

No, he wasn't drunk - he was actually legless. I find it tough to climb the stairs, and I've still got both of mine. Good work, double-amputee fella.

BALLS. THE GERMANS WERE ROBBED.

This picture settles once and for all one of the greatest debates in soccer - if England's third goal in their victory over Germany in the 1966 World Cup Final crossed the line.
As it turns out, it didn't.
In fact it doesn't even look close.
Still, who gives a shit. That was 40 years ago. Now En-ger-land take a team to Germany to try and do the same again.
Don't miss World Cup Ranter if you like your football played with a round ball, (like we do).

TORTURED GENIUS BECOMING A RIGHT ROYAL PAIN IN THE FUCKING ARSE

I love a good victim. I've been one myself now and again.
But it really is time that Pete Doherty fucks off and dies before his romantic time as a creative tortured genius ends.
The boyfriend of Kate Moss and abducter of girls barely out of their first tampon is really starting to act like a cunt.
Yesterday the heroin addict squirted a MTV cameraman with a syringe full of his own dirty fucked-up blood during filming, for, wait for it, "a laugh".
The former Libertines front man and now Babyshambles freak show lives in a shit hole, is skint from spending all his money on drugs, is avoiding prison because of his middle-class iconic status and frankly, is starting to take the piss.
Addicts are interesting for a while because the hole they fill in their lives is often reaked in tragedy and self-pity. But enough is enough.
Come on Pete, you're 27 mate. At 27 Janis Joplin did it, Jimi Hendrix did it and Jim Morrison did it.
It's time to quit the shit - or hurry up and die.

US BLAMES VENEZUALA FOR HATING BUSH (Let's face it, we didn't need this bloke to persuade us)

His government has supported socialist governments across South America as country after country turns its back on George Bush.
His country is the 5th biggest oil producer in the world.
His country is blocking the extension of the US's trade agreement to unite the Americas into a global market which will benefit US consumers.
Today George Bush banned arms sales to Venezuala because of the attitude of its President, Hugo Chavez.
Today the US government says he is the new enemy in the contradictory "war on terror".
Or could it be the war on socialism?
On the day Libya's Gadaffi was welcomed back, Chavez is being put out in the cold.
Does he care?
Does he fuck.
His country is getting richer as oil prices soar, and the US's actions are likely to push the price of oil higher as Bush continues his energy battle with force rather than friendship.
And guess who Mr Chavez will also be paying a visit to next in his world tour?
Why, Mr Gadaffi of course!
As E.R. predicted some weeks ago, expect South America to be the new enemy caused by energy, and expect things to start hotting up not only with Iran, but on America's doorstep.

NOT EXACTLY THE INTERVIEW HE WAS EXPECTING...

Whatever a data support cleansing manager is, it isn't an expert on the Apple Computers V Apple Corp trademark case.
But Guy Coma, who went for a job interview as one, ended up being put on live telly.
To watch his brilliant performance, see yesterday's post below and click on the link at the bottom (Taxi!...).
At first, Mr Coma was thought to have been Guy Kewney, a web expert and intended guest of the 24-hour news channel BBC News 24.
He had gone where he was asked and then got one type of "interview" instead of the one he was expecting.
A theory then came about, after the screening, that he might have been a taxi driver who had answered to Guy Kewney's name because he was there to give the web expert a lift home - hence the post below.
E.R. still believes Mr Coma was fucking ace, and wishes him well in his efforts to find employment at the BBC, either in front of, or behind, the cameras.

HIS DAUGHTER WAS MURDERED BY US BOMBS. NOW THE US WELCOMES GADAFFI BACK TO THE FOLD

After Ronald Reagan called him a "mad dog" and launched US air strikes that killed dozens of Libyan civillians, including his own adopted daughter, Colonel Gaddafi and his country are now considered not part of the problem by the US government in the contradictory "war on terror". Gadaffi is a vain man, but not a stupid one.
He may have forgiven, but he will never forget.
Would you?

NOT CRICKET - JUST POLICE AND STEWARDS BEING TWATS

See that bloke on the right?
He's just been arrested.
His crime?
For throwing a cricket ball that had gone over the boundary at a game of cricket between England and Sri Lanka.
With no ball boys at cricket games, it's up to the players to get the ball back.
But it was such a good shot, the players just waited for someone to throw it back. Like you would.
But of course, by the bloke on the right treading on the turf at Lords Cricket Ground to do this, a knobhead of a steward (the short fat guy with his back to the camera) decided it was a crime and that the police had to know what a terrible crime it was.
See that copper on the left?
He's just been told by his radio that the TV camera is looking at him and if he throws the bloke out, the entire world will think the police are twats.
After 15 minutes of negotiation, the man who threw a cricket ball back to the players who asked him to, is allowed back to his seat to a round of applause from the crowd.
As Ian Botham, former England captain who commentated on the affair said; "Give some people a badge or a uniform and they act like idiots".
Almost right, Ian.
Maybe you're an idiot to want one in the first place, eh?

PISSING IN OUR BOOTS...

The same river as the one below, May 2006.
Some parts of Southern England are experiencing the worst drout since records began.
Restrictions on use of water have already started, and the possibility of the public having to get water by the bucket from standpipes in the street is highly likely.
Privatised water companies have this year made £2 Billion in profits, and England's leaky pipes remain the among the worst in the western world, with 3 billion litres of water lost EVERY DAY.
Fix the pipes and suddenly there wouldn't be a water shortage.
The cost of doing that?
About £2 billion.
So, a bad year for water, but NEVER a bad year for water profits.
Fuckers.

...AND TELLING US IT'S NOT RAINING

Looks nice, doesn't it? A typical river in Surrey, southern England, in May 1996.

TAXI! BBC NEWS 24 GET IT REALLY BADLY WRONG

The increase in TV output since the arrival of digital television means the UK now has hundreds of stations watched by, er, literally hundreds of people.
The excellent writer John Harris, found this out in an interview with Legal TV (yes, Legal TV) - a channel that is actually a vehicle for advertising from law firms telling you to sue if you cut your finger opening a paper bag.
The company would not confirm to John in The Guardian if they had any more than just 500 viewers.
But it seems the pressures of making shit TV 24/7 doesn't just hit small fry like Legal TV.
The state funded (ie, paid for by the public) BBC News 24 produced this gem of journalism with regards to the Apple Computers vs Apple Corp brand case currently going through the courts once again.
As you probably know, Apple Corp, the music publishers which own the rights to The Beatles, have been trying to stop Apple Computers using the logo and name apple on all things music - predominantly i-tunes.
The BBC had lined up an internet expert - Mr Kewney from newswireless - to talk about the case, but instead, got another man waiting in reception, who they now believe was a taxi driver waiting to take the real Mr Kewney home.
They wired him up, put him in a seat, set the live cameras rolling and this was the result. Fantastic TV. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "breaking news". Whatever the news was, they well and truly broke it.
WATCH HIS PERFORMANCE HERE
Thanks to wanksy for the link, and anyone interested in a UK cynic with a brain should pop "John Harris" into Amazon search and buy his book "So now who do we vote for?"

GOOGLE NOT SO LUCKY FOR LABOUR

I'm sure someone else out there will know how google set their "I'm feeling lucky" results, though the offerings from today's searches may not go down too well with the UK government.
If you type in "fuckwit" into the search engine at the moment, you get sent here, and if you type in "liar" you get sent here.
E.R. wonders whether the results might be valid under the traditional search too...
Thanks to Jamie for the tip!