Chop-Sticky Fingers

In a post created primarily for its header, E.R. notes those pioneers of capitalism, the Rolling Stones, are the first to spot a booming billion-consumer market and play a series of gigs in China this week.
Not ones to put art in the way of a fast buck, they've obediently (it's only rock n roll and i like, er, money more) dropped 5 songs from the setlist at the behest of the Chinese government. The censorship includes Honky Tonk Woman and Let's Spend The Night Together.
While we're on the subject of chopsticks (we were, weren't we?), the Chinese government have put a 5% tax on the national cutlery, to try and cut down on the 45 billion pairs the state makes every year cutting down millions of trees and bamboo plants in the process.
All but the poorest Chinese have welcomed the tax, and some restaurants are now offering non disposable spoons rather than chopsticks, in a bid to get the nation to kick the choppy habit.
The tax was one of a number imposed to tackle environmental issues. 200 million Chinese still live on less than $1 per day. However, its car market is now the world's third biggest - only behind USA and Japan, but catching fast.
Tax on cars with bigger engines has been increased to 20%. One third of China's national oil consumption is used by private car owners.
"Have the Rolling Stones killed" - Monty Burns.

Picture of the Day: "IT'S THAT F**CKING SEAGULL AGAIN"

Turns out the swan with the bird flu virus in Fife had been floating around the beach since March 29, being "pecked at" by various gulls, who in the next two weeks will develop the disease. When their bodies fall they themselves will be eaten by other birds and maybe a cat or two. And so on...
Black and white screen print "IT'S THAT F**CKING SEAGULL AGAIN" is from the collection at the excellent www.arnoldart.co.uk. All copyright is owned by the artist, Dave Arnold. No reproduction without permission. Dave does loads of stuff... like a punk Brian Eno from Hastings.

BANKSY GETS THROUGH TO THE COUNCIL

Artist Banksy made a comment on London's policy to rid the streets of traditional telephone boxes without consultation.
Many new phone boxes are run by companies with more expensive tariffs than BT, targetting tourists. What's more, they're ugly as fuck.
Though modernisers will say that the old box wasn't easily accessible for all, rather like the London Routemaster Bus, it seems odd that these design classics have been dumped so readily rather than adapted.
In true Westminster Council style, the work of art was cleared away "because it didn't have planning permission". Sounds a bit picky to us...
For more Banksy, check out www.banksy.co.uk

VISIT E.R.'s NEW PICTURE BLOG NOW AND WONDER WHY YOU EVER BOTHERED

Nurse!
Don't let this one scare you.
English Ranter is pleased to present E.R. LITE - The Pictures Of English Ranter Without The Boring Politics.
All pictures are original, and most have been previously used on English Ranter, so if you've followed the blog, not much new. But I like seeing them in one place.
It will be updated occasionally, but only with original pictures taken by E.R. for E.R. rather than ones I've nicked.
It's a cheap spin off, I'm not very good at photography, but worth a visit if only because it has the widest range of Johnny Cash adsense adverts we've ever seen, and none of me banging on about the police, energy, id cards, george bush, jeffrey archer and bird flu. Well, almost none.
Try it now at http://erlite.blogspot.com
E.R. lite contains a smattering of profanity but is mostly just pretty pictures.

It's no good you looking like that

Health "chiefs" have warned that cats can carry the deadly bird flu virus, now landing in a swan near you.
Well, if you live in the UK, or anywhere in fact from Shanghai to London, east to west.
The movement to mammals from birds may not necessarily mean it is any more likely to move on to humans.
However, if the virus does mutate, then it means we have to worry about these little rascals being carriers.
In 7.1 million UK homes.
Additonally, most people think nothing of hearing that 16 thousand chickens have to be killed, since this kind of animal slaughter happens every day.
But persuading people to wipe out tiddles here, if the situation ever arised, may be a more difficult matter.
No cats were washed in the making of this post. For more cats in sinks, visit www.catsinsinks.com. Where else?

Symbol of resistance, protest and freedom put in a London square watched by CCTV where freedom no longer exists

This is a model of a proposed statue of Nelson Mandela, likely to be put up in Parliament Square.
Fair enough, you might think, and indeed so, at first, did E.R.
Until we realised one thing... that if Apartheid South Africa still existed, and Mandela even started talking about his anti-apartheid cause in Parliament Square, and spoke of acts of violence, he would be arrested and charged with the new incitement to terrorism laws recently passed in the UK.
Just as you would be if you did it now.
Even if it was about Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe.
In fact, even if he just started talking about apartheid to strangers in the street with no mention of violence, he would still qualify as a 'protest' and regardless of his cause, be locked up under a new law that bans any protest within a mile of Parliament.
And it would all be recorded on CCTV.
Two British teenagers who read out names of victims in Iraq in nearby Whitehall were arrested, imprisoned and fined under this very law.
The battle over ID cards between the House of Lords and the House of Commons has come to a "compromise" which means the biometric recognition cards will become compulsory by 2010.
With identities on databases, it will be possible, through biometric-recognition CCTV cameras, for millions of people to be tracked across urban areas by police.
Welcome to freedom, Nelson.
You have become part of the illusion.
Londoners. Our boots are being pissed in.

Chance of catching bird flu same as winning the lottery "apparently"

Let's hope it's a roll-over.

DUCK!

Oh no, actually it's swans.
For now.
After one decaying swan was confirmed with the deadly strain of the H5N1 bird-flu virus in Fife, Scotland, 14 more suspected infected swans found nearby are now being tested.
By the way, is H5N1 a postcode (zipcode, whatever) in Huddersfield?

"YOU LEAVE MY FUCKING DUCK ALONE" Keith Harris comes out fighting after angry bird flu mob blame Orville

...PLUS IN YOUR THURSDAY BIRD-FLU-AND-DEATH E.R. SPECIAL
* "Should I be worried about my cock?" - Readers questions answered
* "I wish Tony had it" - an interview with the Chancellor on the bird flu outbreak
* "Um, well, er, we're selling a lot of corn on the cob!" KFC staff put on a brave face
* "Fucking swans... Fucking swans... Fucking swans...Percy's a pretty boy... Fucking swans..." We interview a talking parrot called Percy. It takes a while, and isn't very good.

TOP TEN BRITISH FUNERAL SONGS. (Somebody get a life.)

Look at this lot.
1 My Way Frank Sinatra
2 Wind Beneath My Wings Bette Midler
3 Angels Robbie Williams
4 My Heart Will Go On Celine Dion
5 Simply The Best Tina Turner
6 I Will Always Love You Whitney Houston
7 You'll Never Walk Alone Gerry and the Pacemakers
8 Over The Rainbow Eva Cassidy
9 Time To Say Goodbye Sarah Brightman
10 We'll Meet Again Dame Vera Lynn
Do you really want to put your friends and relatives through this while they see you disappear into the floor to turn into a pile of ash?
Sort it out before bird flu sorts you out.
Even the appropriately named Birdie Song would be better, at least your granny with alzheimers (the one that doesn't even remember who you are) will know it - they do it all the time in the old folk's home for a workout.
So come on, leave your suggestions that'll get your funeral party started, and let's get a new top ten...

BIRD FLU HITS UK: BODY BAGS AT THE READY

On the day that the Government ran a dummy run for an outbreak of bird flu in the UK, it finally hit.
From what E.R. saw, the dummy run wasn't impressive. It involved farmers washing their boots in a washing up bowl and shutting the door.
A dead swan suspected of having avian flu has been found in Scotland.
Our CRAP but none the less exclusive picture is NOT one of the 240,000 body bags ready across the country for human victims of the flu, should the virus mutate.
A worst-case scenario of over 300,000 deaths in the UK has been estimated, which would result in mass graves having to be used to bury the dead.
As reported earlier on E.R., some scientists believe the virus is not spread by migrating birds, but by intensive farms spreading diseased chicken shit on fields, which is then eaten by swans and carried abroad. Looks like we were right.
Happy Easter, chick.
Still, it's not all bad news. KFC's fucked!
Sorry the pic is a bit fuzzy, can't be helped. It get's clearer if you click it. But not very. The original is smashing.

I used to be a fun guy...

So one year after they were banned in the UK, magic mushrooms are now back - in the hands of doctors.
In a small study, eight patients are being given mushrooms to see if it helps allieve their illnesses.
Psychiatrist Professor Charles Grob, who is leading the project, says individuals "appear to have much diminished anxiety, improved mood regulation and also more acceptance" of their condition.
Well whoopy-fucking-doo, you don't say. Get me the Nobel Prize for Science on the phone, we have a winner.
Those are the same reasons why the rest of us were taking them you fuckwit!
It's just the "condition" we've got is called..."life".

Conservative Leader Cameron Hits Out At UKIP's ''fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists"

Then it turns out his main advisor is a former UKIP member.
For those of you who don't know who UKIP are, it stands for the United Kingdom Independence Party, and they are a right-wing political group made up of fruitcakes, loonies and not-very-closet racists.

Stereotype news: "I'm no racist, some of my best friends are, er, Christians?"

Only joking about the Christian bit. I don't know any. However, over half of Britain's church-going Christians are black, and of African descent.

Stupid Pitch?

A three month old puppy called Disa has survived after an operation to remove a 10-and-a-half-inch tent peg that it had eaten. The peg, spotted clearly in an x-ray, was just a few inches shorter than her entire body. Click the post's header for the link.

"Ooh, that looks like a festering powerhouse of poison. We'll take 50" - China sorts out its energy policy

While capitalists are fighting wars to push up oil share prices, China has been busy ensuring securing strategic energy deals so it will have enough kilowatts to light its homes and manufacture plastic cocktail monkeys (and the like) for the West.
Yesterday it signed a deal with Australia to supply enough radioactive raw material to feed 50 - yes 50 - new nuclear reactors it plans to build across China.
The Chinese safety record for industrial accidents is one of the worst in the world.
China has also opened a giant new oil gateway from Kazakhstan.
If you thought Kazakhstan just had a silly name, think again. The country, which has just 15 million people but a landmass the size of Europe, is already one of the top 20 world oil suppliers. But massive reserves around the Caspian Sea and inward investment mean its output will treble within 5 years and soon it could be in the top 5 producers - or even higher.
With Russia on one side and China on the other, this is another key energy pawn that every major player will soon want a piece of.
Which is why Kazakhstan already has also become the "Las Vegas" of China, with multi-million dollar casino complexes lining the streets of its capital.

PILL NEWS

No wonder it was hard to get for a while.
A man who took 40,000 ecstasy tablets over 9 years has been examined by doctors in the UK. "Apparently" he had a few problems with short term memory and stuff, though he hasn't taken a pill for seven years.
To preserve his identity, doctors have called the 37-year-old man, a patient at St Georges' Hospital in London, "MR A". Surely it should have been "Mr E"?
He finally gave up his 25-pill-a-day habit after collapsing three times. Yeah mate, probably was a hint things might be getting a little bit out of hand. That and gurning at your nephew's christening.
The picture above is an artist's impression of what "Mr A" may now look like. He stopped attending hospital tests after he started to get stoned on weed again.
For the full story click the post's header.
Sorted.

LOOSEN YOUR SEAT BELTS

300,000 American kids and toddlers are too fat to squeeze into car safety seats.
Here's an idea.
Walk the fat fuckers to school and leave the car at home.

SEVEN HUMAN BLADDERS "GROWN" IN LABORATORY AND TRANSPLANTED INTO PATIENTS

Let's hope they're taking the piss.

What in cock's name is this?

Here's a short quiz about this "land" "mark" in new British "design".
Q. How shit is this?
A. Really really shit.
Ok quiz over.
You've seen and heard all you need to know.
For those of you wanting additional information into quite how anyone got this made in 2006 (rather than 1906), then three words: SIR CLIVE SINCLAIR.
It's called an A-Bike, and is light, has no "greasy" chain, "folds" in 15 seconds, and is obviously designed to TRAVEL AROUND FUCKING TOYTOWN with those wheels stolen from a supermarket trolley.
If you have a child who wants a bike for their birthday, then only buy them this if you want to cherish that first moment when one's offspring calls you a "cunt" for the first time.

TV SHOW BRINGS IN A PAIR OF POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHTS FOR INTERVIEW WITH "PRINCES" WILLIAM AND HARRY - Martin Bashir "a bit busy, apparently"

Royal ''princes'' Harry and William are to be interviewed with their ''dad'' Prince Charles by Ant and Dec.
Overseas readers may not know their faces, but may know shows like I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, which the pair front for the UK.
E.R. suspects that issues of making the UK a republic, the constitutional crisis facing Prince Charles' and Camilla, the royal endorsement of war in Iraq, the accusation that MI5 and the royal family were behind their mother's death, and whether Harry is actually even Charles' kid, are unlikely to be in amongst the questions.
Expect more along the lines of:
"Is it good like, being born millionaires?"
"What ringtone is on your phone?"
"That Chelsea bird, she was a bit of alright, eh?"

Put your head on my pillow, whisper in my ear...

''Baghdad''.
The love-in between the UK Foreign Secretary Jack Straw, and US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice continued on their flight to Baghdad after warm hearted Condi let Jack sleep in her bed on the flight.
Just at what point the swap happened in the flight is not clear, or if Jack and Condi had the chance of a quick reach-around while no one was looking, since airline staff found Rice sleeping in the aisle of the plane in the morning when they went to clear the galley for landing.
So far the couple have visited each other's home towns, gone on a couple of dates, and started an illegal war together. Usual kind of stuff.
The terms of engagement are expected some time in the autumn.

"ELECTRICKERY" sends single to number one spot

Gnarls Barkley's excellent Crazy made "history" yesterday when it hit the number one spot in the UK from interwebby download sales alone.
For old timers, the CD is available to buy in the shops today. Gnarls Barkley is of course a made up name.
The real people behind it are called Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo, dummy.

IT'S PHWAR! Condi and Jack and their "special relationship" star in your super soaraway Sunday E.R.

In this week's super soaraway Sunday E.R., UK Foreign Secretary Jack Straw and US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reveal the truth behind their relationship...
* ''You show me yours and I'll show you mine!'' - from Birmingham to Blackburn
* "I'd like to see you in a Blackburn soccer shirt" - Their role-play secrets revealed
* ''Fuck Liverpool - let's go somewhere we are welcome" - the pair head for a 'dirty' weekend in Baghdad after thousands turn out to protest.

WILL WHOEVER WAS BEHIND THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY'S £5 MILLION FOREIGN INVESTOR BANKROLL PLEASE STEP FORWARD...

One at a time, please.
While Blair's Labour Party sneakily got around their own rules of party funding by turning donations into loans, the Conservatives one went one step further.
A key part of the new rules was to stop non-UK residents influencing UK party policy. Undaunted, the Conservatives accepted over £5 million in loans from supporters overseas, though they say they were within the rules because they were on a sound commercial basis.
None of the foreign investors who "lent" the £5 million, which has since been returned, wanted to be named according to the party.
E.R. wonders, however, that faced with revealing exactly who they were, the party thought it was better just to hand back the money than risk the embarassment...?
No Nazis were harmed during the making of this post.
Unfortunately.

People You Wouldn't Think I've Met, But I Have#5: Liam Gallagher

First time was in a queue at the Astoria theatre in London to see Ash or somebody around about 1995.
Best thing about it was my mate Tim, who had spent a week with Oasis the week before, and spots Liam who comes over to say hello.
"Hiya" says Liam, breezily.
''Hello Noel!" says Tim.
Liam, who was without his brother, thought he was taking the piss and looked for a minute like he wanted to hit him.
Then he realised maybe he just wasnt really famous enough yet for people to know his name and looked a bit sad. ''Liam'' he said a bit wimpishly.
"Yeah, Liam, whatever," said Tim. "Fancy a pint?"

Piss Poor

Big shout out to Thames Water, who have banned hosepipes before the weather was warm enough to remember if you had a garden or not, and issued advice to change the way people brush their teeth in a bid to cope with global warming.
Resevoir levels in the south of the UK are at their lowest level for over a hundred years.
Last week, a leak in London's Kensington High Street which gushed ten times higher than the also piss-poor Princess Di memorial fountain nearby, shut the road through town, flooded several shops, and, wait for it, was allowed to carry on spewing out water overnight losing hundreds of litres of water every minute.
A BBC reporter was at story eight hours after the leak began and there wasn't one Thames Water fucker in sight!
Then we hear from E.R. correspondent Alex that after a serious leak broke out in her house, TW say they will be nearly three weeks before they are round to fix it.
I wouldn't be suprised if it's the recently set-up Thames Water Action Taskforce Service that comes round to fix it (look out for T.W.A.T.S. on the side of the van).
Surely, with their profits and our bills rising, they are telling us it's not raining, and pissing in our boots.